Melanie's Monday

The walk

2010-10-11T11:42:00.002-04:00

Life is looking up and I'm feeling really good. Lately I've been walking at the park instead of doing my C25K. I've been walking at this park for 20+ years and always thought the trail was 3.2 miles. One of the nurses I work with told me that she thought it was 3.8. She was right! So my goal has been to walk that trail 2 times around and today I did it. I wasn't sure that I could walk 7.6 miles, but I did it.

I'm really happy about this because my friend who has been encouraging me on my journey wants to train for a 1/2 (walking) marathon. That means I'm over half done. Woo hoo! I know I have lots to do still, but it's a start.

Yesterday my brother asked if my son & I wanted to go to Hawaii again with his family. Hellz yeah we do!!! But I don't want to go looking like this so I have lots of work to do. Time to really step up my game. I don't want my 2011 pictures to look like the 2005 HI pictures. Those were just sad.

Week 1...again

2010-09-20T07:42:00.000-04:00

So this week was pretty successful. I lost 4.4 which is over my projected goal so I'm happy with that. Off to work so I can't write more or have the pleasure of reading any of your updates at the moment. Hope everyone is doing well.

It's been way too long

2010-09-13T13:38:00.002-04:00

I haven't done much of anything for myself since October of last year. I'm not sure what happened to my new lifestyle plan; I had been doing so well. But that is the past and this is now. I can only more forward from here. The good thing is that I have maintained for the most part. I've gained about 8 pounds back, but it's the physical endurance that has suffered the most.

I've reconnected with an old friend who gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to get moving. He's promised to be my cheerleader and for that, I am really grateful.
Lots of things have changed in my life this year both good and bad. I'm ready to makes those changes work to my benefit.

I've missed reading & commenting on everyone's blogs. Seriously, you all are very inspiring & motivating. I look forward to catching up with you guys soon. I doubt I will find the time to go back and read a year's worth of all the blogs I've missed since I follow so many, but I'm going to try my best.

The mental struggle

2010-02-22T17:19:00.002-05:00

February 22, 2010

So I obviously didn't do a great job at writing on my blog every few days as I intended. I'm struggling mentally and I don't know why. I'm so pissed at myself right now and I don't feel good physically. Without a doubt, it's 100% related to me not working out like I was. I've exercise a few times and there, but essentially you can say that I'm not working out right now. My food is sketchy at best.

Sometime in October something changed. I don't know what or why it happened, but I stopped working so hard like I had been. Part of me thinks that I'm afraid to reach my goals, not just my weight loss goals, but life goals in general. I feel like I'm "white knuckling" it through life at the moment. Why do I put up hurdles and block myself from the things that I really want in life?

I wish I knew. Lots of people have real reasons for using fat as their defense mechanism...being molested as a child, feeling abandoned, or whatever else. I don't think I have a legitimate reason other than I love food. That's just lame. When I eat bad food, why does my mind act like that's my last opportunity in life to ever eat that food again? I don't tell myself that...or at least I don't think I do.

Something is keeping me from my goals and I need to figure out why. It's driving me crazy. Why did I stop working my program? My program stopped working for me because I stopped working my program. That's the plain & simple fact. I haven't been to an OA meetings in eons. My C25K plan is somewhere in the ditch. I'm surely need to start over from week one or two now. Boo hiss.

I'm going to work on getting my head screwed on straight again & get back to work. I NEED to do this for myself if it's the last thing I do.

GAG Finale

2009-12-22T12:58:00.006-05:00

Ok, I have no idea why the picture is sideways when it wasn't when I saved it. Oh well.

December 22, 2009

Well I certainly didn't achieve the goals I set for myself at the beginning of this challenge. However, it's still a loss so I'm happy for that part.
Lots of things have been going on. I'm so happy it's Christmas time.

Work, work, work

2009-11-25T09:44:00.003-05:00

November 25, 2009

I've spent the last 5 days doing projects around the house in preparation for a house appraisal for my mortgage refinance. I'm waiting for the appraiser to get here now; he's late--15 minutes so far.
I've upgraded 2 bathroom vanity lights (think that's my 4 & 5th electrical jobs & the house hasn't burned down..yeah!), put a new faucet in my bathroom, painted my front door inside & out,the garage door trim, & 5 interior door. We bought 1200 pounds of top soil and spread that in the backyard where the deck used to be. We felt like our backs were breaking moving 30- 40lb bags of dirt around to the back yard. I've lost 31 pounds so a 40 pound bag of dirt isn't that much more. I struggled to move them. I can't imagine how great it will feel to get another 30 off and another. And last, but not least, we put up all the Christmas decorations.

Every day that I've been working in the house, I've burned a minimum of 3,300 calories. I haven't exercised in the true sense of a workout, but I've gotten lots of exercise & drank tons of water.

I'm taking today off from any activity. I'm working 12 hours tonight. Tomorrow I will resume with the workouts & use my new hanging crunch rack. I like it. I'm not able to use the pull-up bar because my ceiling is too low. The bar is right at the rafters. Oh well....in my dream house it will be perfect :o)

Hope everyone has a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving.

Finally hit a new milestone

2009-11-19T08:02:00.003-05:00

November 19, 2009

Yesterday I finally hit the 30 pound loss mark. It seems like it's taken forever since I was stagnate for almost 2 months. I've had a NSV as well. I purchased several shirts from Old Navy that were only XL & even a pair of workout/yoga pants and they fit. I also ordered a sweater from Lands End that was an XL & that fits too. I'm excited to wear ANY piece of clothing that isn't 2X.

I may have to put the assembly of my new equipment on hold until the weekend. I am in the process of refinancing my house (didn't realize I had a 7 yr balloon loan---seriously I have no recollection of that & my signature isn't on the copies I have of the paperwork; I think I was tricked). Anyhoo, the appraiser called about 4 times yesterday to set up a time to come out. I have a small list of things I want to get done before that happens so I'm blowing him off until this afternoon & hoping to not get the house appraised until Wednesday or next Friday.

New equipment picture

2009-11-18T02:40:00.003-05:00

You can do hanging crunches, pull-ups, dips, and push ups (not that you need anything to do push ups, but...)
I've used one of these before and got quick & great ab results.

Excited

2009-11-17T16:08:00.001-05:00

November 17, 09

My new piece of exercise equipment just arrive. Woo hoo. I can't wait to put it together tomorrow and get busy using it. But for now, it's off to work...no time to enjoy it.

Halloween

2009-11-01T08:23:00.003-05:00

November 1, 2009

Halloween was just another day at my house. My son is too old for trick-or-treating so there was no costuming shopping this year. I worked Thursday night which was T-or-T night so I didn't even have to buy candy. Honestly it worked out well for the ol' diet that way.
Yesterday I stopped over at my parents' house and invited my mom to go walking with me. She was in the living room with all the suitcases and snorkeling equipment spread out all over the room. They're going to Aruba in 3 weeks. I'm so damned jealous. I LOVE Aruba and can't wait to go back. Brent & I went in 2006 and had a fabulous time. We scuba dived and it was the first time for both of us.

Anyway back to current reality...
We went to the middle school by my mom's house. There were a group of teen boys playing flag football, but I did my walk/run anyway. I guess I just don't care anymore. If my fat jiggles, it jiggles. It'll keep on jiggling until I run it all off. We only walked for 30 minutes. My mom's joints were hurting so I took her home. It was probably just her excuse to get back to packing for vacation.
What I noticed about my running yesterday is that I don't have the endurance that I should or expect that I will if I'm not hydrated. When I got home from work Friday morning, I stayed awake for an hour or so & then slept until 530pm. I got up and did some housework and laundry, but didn't drink much and ended up going back to bed around 2am. By Saturday morning, the scales said my water weight was down to 36%. I think that's the lowest it's been since I bought that scale.
I could definitely tell when I ran too. It was almost as if my muscles were all stuck together. I didn't complete a single interval yesterday. I felt like a failure. It's a great reminder to stay hydrated. It's amazing how dehydrated the body can be yet our mouths don't feel thirsty.
Time to get in a quick workout and then get ready to go visit Brent. I'm praying that I'm down to my last 3 visits in that dump. Court is on the 12th.

Plateau

2009-10-28T13:36:00.003-04:00

I'm finally off my plateau after a month. I'm down to 243.8. I thought it was never going to move. I toyed with 244, 245, 246 for all of October. I'm glad things are moving in the right direction again.
The C25K is going fairly well. Saturday morning I went to the school and walked/ran for 55 minutes. It has been rainy here for about a week. There were TONS of worms on the track. I'm sure there are worm guts stuck in the cracks of my shoes. I'm not sure how many worm lives I ended on Saturday, but I'm feeling pretty darn good.

Great reminder

2009-10-23T20:47:00.002-04:00

October 23, 2009

Watch this video. It's a great reminder of all we have & all we're capable of achieving. Tomorrow will come regardless of whether we're doing something to improve our lives or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY

I know that I've wasted way too many years being lazy & abusing this body that God gave to me. Time to get busy doing the work that is needed to be the best me I can be.

Don't know what came over me

2009-10-20T14:12:00.003-04:00

October 20, 09

Yesterday morning I headed over to the high school to squeeze in my C25K run in the dark before the kids started arriving at school. It was 630 and v-e-r-y chilly outside. I only wore a thin hoodie over my t-shirt. I ran/walked almost the entire time with my hands pulled inside the sleeves.

I started out the walking segment completely freezing my butt off. The running interval came & I started to run. For some reason, it wasn't that hard today. I could have gone longer. How could my body do every running segment yesterday, yet on Friday I'm not even sure I completed a single segment. Friday was like running with the cinder blocks on my feet; yesterday I think I could have run an entire 5K. Totally weird. It it just my imagination or is running in the cold temperatures easier on the breathing than running in warmer weather?

I think it was all mental. While I was running, I was thinking about Jeannie & Chuck and Brent & me. I want to have a long relationship and be healthy so I just focused on that. The run seemed almost effortless. Yowzie!! I can't believe what seemed impossible on Friday was so different yesterday. Is this whole healthy lifestyle thing really mind over matter? The mind is a very powerful thing.

Tomorrow we shall see how it goes with week 4/day 3.

C25K week 4/day1

2009-10-16T11:03:00.003-04:00

October 16, 2009

Today I got up early and went to the park in the dark & did my day 1 of week 4. I'm not going to lie; it was hard. I knew it would be. Just like my feeling of never having mastered week 1, but moved on to week 2, I felt the same way about week 3. I don't think I ever ran every second of each interval in week 3...ever. But here I am moving on anyway. I think it's the only way I'll be able to overcome my mental block of thinking that I can't do this. I think I only 100% completed one interval of running today.

It's hard, but I have to do this!

The scales have been stagnate for a couple of weeks. I need to get my fire back. I'm feeling blah and have been for a couple of weeks.

GAG point challenge

2009-10-13T06:06:00.002-04:00

Time to get busy

2009-10-13T04:49:00.003-04:00

October 13, 2009

I'm back from my weekend in TN. We had a good time. For some reason though, I couldn't sleep the entire time I was there which made me miserable. I've never had that problem at my in-laws. The in-laws about had a heart attack because my FIL's 2 older sons from out west came in to surprise him. My FIL has been bitching to me about how these 2 sons treat him so badly and never come to see them, don't call to check on them, never email etc. They just showed up. Big WOW! I've been with Brent for 4 years & have never met or spoken to either of them.
So anyway, it was a nice turn out for the party. It was a combined birthday party & Oktoberfest...beer brats, hot German potato salad, German beers, sauerkraut balls. All the food was good. I stuck with water all weekend since I don't drink beer.

Almost every single time I've gone down there, I say that I'm going to work out, go for a walk or something. I NEVER do. EXCEPT, this time I did. I was awake waaaay too early on Saturday morning. I got dressed & headed outside to do my C25K run. I was proud of myself for actually doing it. Honestly, I figured that I would make some excuse up in my mind & just not do it. It was nice though. The air was cool & crisp so I barely got overly hot. Got to see some deer playing in a field; actually they scared the daylights out of me because I didn't see them until they started running.
But back to reality. I'm not sure where my head has been the past week. I think I've been mentally overwhelmed with everything that's going on in my life. I was too exhausted to exercise early last week. That day turned into the next and then the next. WTF??!!! Seriously, I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't logged my food either. I will say that the food thing is getting much easier though. I don't crave the junk food like I have in the past. Despite not exercising, I pretty much stayed on task with the food. I think it's almost become ingrained in me because I feel so much better by eating right. My guts used to just KILL; now I'm feeling good in that department. I haven't overeaten, but I have had a few things that I know I wouldn't have eaten if I was being strict with myself.

So that's my goal for the day. Get my head out of my ass & back on track. I need to get dressed & get to the track to do my run before the kids arrive at school & see a fat girl running. Eeks.
Have a good day everyone.

MIA weekend

2009-10-09T14:18:00.002-04:00

Hello GAG team, I'm leaving today to go out of state for my F-I-L's 70th birthday celebration. I'll catch up with you all Monday. They live in the sticks so I'm not even going to bother taking my computer since I can never get any sort of connection there. I know, I know. I'm already having separation anxiety.

Have a great weekend.

Boo hiss

2009-10-06T16:55:00.002-04:00

Oct 6, 09

So apparently my body didn't read the post where I wrote that the weight lifting weight can hang around until weigh-in day & then get lost. I gained 1.4 this week. Grrr! Seriously, I don't understand how this is physically possible, but it is what it is. Two days after the workout I was seeing a gain of 6 pounds. WTF is that all about?

Guess I need to just work harder & keep plugging away at it. Eventually it HAS to fall off.
Gotta go. Time to get ready for work and my cat is gnawing at my arm. I've put him on a diet too. Guess he's hungry too. He's nipping at the tender skin on the back of my arm behind my elbow...little turd.

Updates

2009-10-04T16:37:00.006-04:00

October 4, 09

Here are some pictures from today. The first two are of my basement mini-gym. The next picture is of my October workout schedule. I put that one in the basement so I know what I'm doing every day and I also keep a paper version in my room. Since I'm combining 2 programs I decided it was best to write it all down. I'm totally a list-maker kind of person and if it's written down I'm more likely to do it. Last week I didn't miss any workouts.

And as the inquiring mind of Fat Free Me requested, the last picture is a weight belt update. The buckle actually touches now. Wooo Hooo. Just a few more inches and I should be able to wear it again.

As for my food, I'm eating between 1300-1600 calories/day. I don't think I'm going into starvation mode especially since I've changed up my eating plan. I'm now eating 5-6 small meals a day. This morning when I weighed myself the scale is on it's way down again. I think it was all the weight lifting thing.

Thanks everybody for checking in on me.

Tired, but less sore

2009-10-03T20:45:00.004-04:00

Oct 3, 2009

Thursday I did my BFL lower body weight lifting work out. I think I mentioned before that I have had delusional thoughts that under all this fat that my leg muscles are still strong. Yeah...not so much. In high school, I could squat 450 lbs on the stationary squat machine. Thursday I couldn't even complete 60 lunges with 10 lb weight in my hands. Like a complete bonehead I did the weights before my cardio...big mistake. The BFL program is only 20 minutes of interval cardio and I wanted to cry the last 5 minutes.
I can only recall being this sore one other time in my life. That time my brother killed me on the leg press machine at the gym. The day after that I had to scoot down the steps on my butt because my legs were too sore to support my weight to make the bending motion necessary to complete a step. It was very sad. I don't work out with my brother anymore.
I'm normally not sore on the day of working out, but Thursday I was and lucky me, I worked Thursday night. Oh what a joy to run up and down the hall to tend to the call lights that went off a bazillion times that night. I swear people in a hospitals NEVER sleep. Seriously, you really need a pack up Nutter Butter cookies at 3am?? Anyhoo, Friday was absolutely miserable in the leg pain department. I almost fell off the toilet at work when I tried to stand up to pull my pants up. That could have turned ugly in a second.
Today I'm feeling much better. I'm comfortably sore which is acceptable. Tonight is my C25K running night and upper body weights. It's already 9pm. I better get crack-a-lackin'.

Oh, and on the weight issue, my weight has gone up even more..5-6 pound gain since Thursday. I know this is physically impossible to be true because I haven't even eaten enough calories for this to be possible. It better be inflammation or water weight from lifting weights.
Has anyone experienced this issue when starting a weight lifting program? My quadriceps feel like rocks, but I KNOW I didn't gain muscle like that overnight. Input? Suggestions? Advice? Anybody? Anybody?

Checking In

2009-10-02T09:06:00.004-04:00

October 2. 2009

Thanks GAGer girls for checking in on me this week. I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I've just been working on revamping my fitness plan & such. Being as fat as I was/am, I expected to have lost more by now. I won't lie; I'm a bit disappointed.
With that being said, I took this week to amp up my exercise plan & readjust my food plan. Last week I didn't eat bad food or necessarily too much food. But I didn't log my food into the Bodybugg program. It really left me feeling out of control. Maybe some day I'll get to the point where I don't have to write down every morsel that crosses my lips, but I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot.
One of my personal drawbacks is working night shift. Even on my nights off, I often find myself staying up all night, wasting lots of valuable time. Do I work out at 3am? Hell no. I'm probably surfing the web for stupid or cute little pictures that will bring a smile to my face for 30 seconds, reading blogs, catching up on TV, doing Sudoku puzzles, or making lists of things I want to get done the next day, but never do because I've stayed up all night and then am too tired to get up before 2pm. Sometimes I really piss myself off.
I'm enjoying my C25K program. I'm taking that program super slow. I'm on week 3 & I'm going to start week 4 next week. In addition to that, I've recommitted myself to doing the Body For Life plan. I've had some success with that in the past. All the exercises are basically laid out for me so it's not like it takes a wizard to figure out what I need to be doing. Cardio & weight lifting...I can handle that. I do wish I had some hot guy to change the weights around for me between sets. That would be fun...for me at least. Sadly this is not the case; I'll have to do it myself.
This week I've done 2 days of C25K, 2 days of weight lifting, and 2- 20 minute cardio interval which is the standard cardio session for the BFL program. Right now I'm showing a 3 pound gain from yesterday. I'm not sure how that's possible when I burned over 3000 calories yesterday and ate 1500. Maybe the weight lifting/tearing the muscle thing has to do with holding onto fluid or something. As long as it's gone by Tuesday's weigh-in, it can hang around for a few days.
The other thing with the BFL program is eating 6 small meals a day. Six is hard for me, but I think I can squeeze 5 in on most days. I've noticed that I can't eat as much as I used to at one sitting. This of course is a good thing. So I've decided that the 5-6 meals might be a good thing. I'm going to focus on eating to take the edge off my hunger and not eating to "full" line. I usually overeat that way. I think my fuel gauge is broken in that respect. I've overeaten on a regular basis for so long that I don't know what is comfortably full compared to stuffed until it's too late. This is definitely something that I need to work on. I also thought that by eating like this 1) I won't overeat because there's never enough food on my plate to do that & 2) in 3-4 hours I can have something else yummy to eat.
Satisfaction without being STUFFED. That's what I'm working towards.
I think I've convinced myself to buy a captain's chair to do the hanging crunches on. I've used on in the past and it really works the abs and whittles the waistline. I'm all for getting rid of my big 'ol muffin top.

That's my week in a nutshell. Nothing earth shattering.

Hope all the GAGers and especially TEAM CUPID are having very productive weeks and meeting your mini-goals.

Weekly GAG assignment/challenge

2009-09-29T09:19:00.003-04:00

Sept 29, 09

Do you feel your eating habits that ended you into this challenge are a direct result of habits formed during childhood? (Please explain)

Yes, definitely! I grew up in a 2-parent household with both parents working full-time. My mom didn’t/doesn’t like to cook so we ate way too much processed food & not enough fruits & veggies. I barely remember eating vegetables as a child.

Tell me about your living situation. Are you married? Kids? In College? What is your life like OUTSIDE of weightloss?

I’ve been engaged since 2006. In Oct 2007 I was supposed to get married to the love of my life Brent. However, due to his addiction to alcohol, things went way off track & we went our separate ways for 9 months. We are back together now, but he’s still working on his addiction issues & the aftermath of all that. We do plan to get married some day, but have no date in mind. He needs to get healthy & I want to get my food addiction under control too so I can be the best partner I can be as well.
I have a 16 year old son who lives with me part-time (on my days off from work) & lives the other half with my parents so he can go to a better school. He’s a great kid & I love him dearly. He’s my favorite cheerleader in my weight loss journey. He loves school this year & I couldn’t be more thrilled to see his enthusiasm. Brent has 2 kids (16 & 21) who live in Seattle that we don’t get to see very often.
My life outside of this weigh loss journey is emotionally stressful. I’m a nurse & I’m working on a unit that I thought I would love, but come to find out that isn’t the case. Due to the economy even nursing jobs aren’t abundant like they had been so for now I’m stuck there despite a year of job hunting. I work night shift so that throws my entire life schedule off. I sleep when the rest of the world is out & about. Even on my days off I end up staying up all night, but I’m not being productive. I’m upset with myself about that. I really MUST get myself on a schedule & get it together.
I get to visit Brent on Thursdays & Sundays for a whopping 20 minutes. I’m super stressed and anxious about what the future holds because he/we have done all we can do to fix his wrong-doings. Now it’s all up to the courts. It’s a painful waiting game. I pray he’s home by Christmas otherwise it will be another dismal holiday season.

If you were given a magic wand that you could use one time to do one thing, what would you use it for?

Admittedly I would be tempted to be selfish & cast a “spell” on myself & my family that would guarantee that our goals would be achieved as long as we worked hard. I feel like I do the right things, but things just don’t turn out as planned…ever.

What is your favorite thing about this time of year? Least favorite?

I LOVE all the changing colors. It’s beautiful. Before I had my son, it was just another time of year. When he was little we were driving somewhere and he noticed all the colors of the changing trees. It’s really a gift to be able to see life through a child’s eyes. I’ve never looked at the trees the same since that moment.

My least favorite part is the daylight savings change. I think it’s depressing that it gets dark so early.

You have a day off, no responsibilities, so what will you do with it?

I would want to spend the day with my two favorite guys—Brent & Adam. Instead of just having a family night we would have family day. We would cook a yummy breakfast & sit down as a family. Then take a hike & maybe do a scavenger hunt. Then in the evening we would play some games & listen to our favorite music & maybe watch a movie as we cuddled up on the couch.

What is YOUR sin food?

Good Lord, how can I just pick one? I honestly don’t think I have just one item, but if I had to pick one it would probably be pizza.

You're in a foul mood, what lifts you out of it?

Spending time with Adam & Brent & listening to music.

You're in a good mood, what keeps you there?

Doing something good for myself whether it be exercising, eating right, or spending time with my family or friends keeps me happy.

What is one of your biggest struggles right now?

The legal situation with Brent is my biggest struggle at the moment. I like to be in control and this situation is completely out of my control & stuff with the law is completely foreign to me. I’m a fish out of water. I pray that this situation is the toughest issue we will have to endure as a couple. Let’s hope all the other hurdles are smaller than this one.

Diet-wise my biggest struggle is scheduling my workouts because of my erratic sleep schedule.

Your motivation is running low, where do you find your refill?

Reading everyone’s blogs and seeing how much success they’re having recharges my battery.

Your in-house support (meaning the people in your life that you see face to face) is beginning to dictate your weightloss journey by telling you you're too heavy, or you're getting too thin, but you're not where you want to be. What do you do? How do you handle it?
I have great support so this has not been an issue. However, if it did, I would just have to explain that I am doing this for myself & no one else & that I may get to that magic number on the scale and realize that it isn’t the right weight for me to be. But until I get there, I’ll never be satisfied so I have to keep working to get there.

List me your favorite:
Color: Red
Smell: ooh, too many. I love the smell of cinnamon, rain, Brent’s cologne, fresh cut grass
Activity with your child: I like watching the comedy channel with him so I can hear him laugh.
Activity with your girlfriends/ guy buddies: Just being with them talking & laughing. We could be doing something or nothing at all besides sitting there.

Where do you honestly see yourself at the end of this challenge?

I see myself one size smaller, but still plugging away at the biggest goal. I will definitely be stronger than when I started the GAG journey.

What are your goals AFTER Gag?

My goals after GAG are to just keep working on myself to become the best me I can be.

How do you think GAG is going so far? What would you like to see done differently?

I think for me the GAG is going just so-so. I have my ups and downs like everyone. The one thing I learned about myself from joining this challenge is that I’m NOT very competitive. I like to read about everyone’s successes and fitness tips on their blogs, but for me to be in competition against other people and not do as well makes me feel like a failure. I’m doing this for me and no one else so I doubt I will join another challenge. If I’m only competing against myself, I’m always going to win. That’s such jacked up thinking, but it’s me. Kinda makes me like a sore loser doesn’t it? Yikes, that’s not good.

Tell me all about your "typical" autumn weekend? Special activities that arise as well?

There is nothing typical about my life. If I’m not working, I usually spend it with my son doing something (walk at the park, movie, or something) or cleaning the house.

How did you find GAG, and what made you commit to join?

I found the GAG challenge through someone's blog when she made mention that she was joining it.

If you could nominate one BIGGEST INSPIRATION out of all your Team Gaggers, who would you nominate?

It’s hard to pick because I admire different things in a bunch of different people. But I would say Laurie because she just did her 1st 5K race. Being able to run is a goal of mine so I look to her for inspiration & motivation to keep going.

Please, tell me about you. What are your dreams? What are your desires for your life? What sparks the passion inside of you about your life? What goals do you have that seem impossible?

My dreams and desires used to be vast & big. But honestly with the recession & everything I’ve gone through with Brent, my priorities have completely shifted. I almost think as painful as it’s been on me and so many families that this recession is a blessing in disguise. I’ve really come to appreciate the simple things in life. I still want a bigger house with a bit more room than what we have right now, but we’re just fine in this small house. It’s a want not a need.
My big goal is to get debt-free. ..at least consumer debt-free. I’m not so much worried about the mortgage and student loans. But I do want to get the credit cards paid off and get to the point where we only have 1 card that is used for emergencies or travel only. I want us to be able to take a big vacation every other year with a couple long weekends thrown in during the year.
I used to want to move back to VA or somewhere warm. Since I started exercising though, I think I’ve changed my mind on that too. Brent & I have been talking about moving to the Pacific northwest after my son is done with high school. I think I much prefer a milder climate. I’m thinking mid-70s all year round would be perfect. I’ve discovered how much I hate working out in the heat & humidity. It’s just miserable. We’ll be shopping around for a new place to live over the next 4-5 years.
My weight loss goal is to get to a weight that I like the way I look. That may be 120 pounds or 135. I have no idea at this point. I’ve made 135 my long term goal because that will put me in the normal BMI range. Quite honestly though, I have no idea what will look right on my frame; I’ve been fat since I’ve been 18 years old. It’s all subject to modification as I near my goal.
My impossible goal is running. I never thought I would like the feeling of running, but I do. I can’t wait to get conditioned enough to run my first 5K with Brent. Another impossible or seemingly impossible goal is the debt-free dream. Life always gets in the way of allowing this to happen. Some unexpected expense comes up, but I keep working at it anyway. I always try to remember that tomorrow is going to come whether I’m doing something to work towards my goals or not. I might as well die trying to succeed than to die a failure for never having tried.

Busted

2009-09-29T07:16:00.002-04:00

September 29, 2009

I think I may be one of the people that Sheila is talking about in her GAG post today. I have been neglecting my blog lately. Although it's not because I've gained or I'm trying to avoid something.
Last work I worked 4 12 hour night shifts in a row and it just completely threw off my flow. I think it took me a day & a half to recover from that. Monday & most of Tuesday I didn't do jack crap. I just wanted to chill and chill I did. A few days off turn into a few more days off and pretty soon it's been a week since I've posted to my blog. I've read and commented on a few blogs, but haven't had much to write about myself.

I have been allowing complacency to take over my days. I've been eating just fine, but I haven't logged my food into the Bodybugg program all week. I haven't been exercising as much or as often as I think I should be either. I've lost this week despite my slackness.

I need to take a mental time out and revamp my food and exercise plan. My goals are not appearing as quickly as I'd like them to. I'm the only one responsible for that so I need to change some things to make it happen.

Disconnected

2009-09-23T08:17:00.002-04:00

September 23, 2009

It's been a week since I've blogged. I feel like I'm totally disconnected from my blog lately. However, I've still been working on my goals and staying on track. Last week I worked 4 12 hour night shifts in a row. It's an ass-kicker. Normally even after 3 in a row, I don't exercise after night number one. This time though was different. I worked out every night except Sunday night. I was quite proud of myself for getting up early & sticking with my plan.
I actually think that exercising before work helps me stay awake during the night shift. Thursday I procrastinated & didn't work out before going to work. However, once I got all my patients settled & assessed, I went on the south wing of our unit that is closed currently and fast walked for 30 minutes.

I had a short term goal to weigh 240 by Sept 28th. I seriously doubt that I'm going to lose 6.6 lbs in the next 4 days, but I'm happy that I got that close to goal. It's much better than where I started.

Hope all the GAGgers are having a great week especially team Cupid!!

GAG weigh-in

2009-09-15T21:13:00.002-04:00

September 15, 2009

This is my weigh-in for the GAG challenge. I have finally knocked off 25 pounds. I can't believe it. I feel really good. Last week I weighed 251.8. Today 247.6

GAG weekly update

2009-09-15T03:58:00.004-04:00

September 15, 2009

Here's the final points added for my week of the GAG challenge and my meal plans for the last 2 days.

Life sucks today

2009-09-14T18:44:00.004-04:00

September 14, 2009

I had such hope for today. I've been praying extra hard for God to do MY will and bring my fiance home today. Apparently that wasn't HIS will for the day. Court did not go as planned. The judge is against sentencing him to the 18 month alcohol rehab program because they spent so much money to extradite him from TN. Really??? You're going to make the cost of extradition a condition to getting accepted to a treatment program??? I'm beyond pissed. If money is the real issue, just tack that fee onto his restitution bill. They're willing to house him in a prison for whatever number of years at however many thousands of dollars per year, but want to bitch about sending 2 deputies to TN for a 16 hour day. It's complete and utter bullshit. I've written a letter to the judge to express my displeasure with his current state of stupidity...in a polite way of course.

On a positive note, I'm still hanging onto my new weight-loss number. I mentioned before that I don't count a weight loss as real unless I see it on the scale 2 days in a row. Yep, it's been 3 days now. I'm loving that. Let's pray it hangs around until my GAG weigh-in tomorrow. I did come home from court and eat 3 servings of Ruffles cheddar and sour cream chips. Probably would have eaten more, but that's all my son left in the bag. Thanks Adam. You saved mom from a horrible binge.

Knowing my luck though, I'll have a weight gain tomorrow from water weight that has accumulated in my eyelids from crying the entire afternoon.

On another good note, last night I did Week 3 day2 of the C25K. I had started week 3 the middle of last week, but cut it short due to lightening. I am happy to say that I finished the entire segment. Actually it ended before I thought it would. Previous weeks have 6 running segments. Week 3 only has 5--2 for 90 seconds and 3 for 3 minutes. I am starting to feel good about my progress.

Food log Thurs-Sat

2009-09-12T23:10:00.003-04:00

September 12, 2009 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM TODAY

Today I hit a milestone of getting under 250. I'm going to keep my actual weight secret until the GAG weigh-in on Tuesday. This week I revamped my bodybugg program and reduced my calories to 1300-1500cal/day. Seems to be working...finally.

GAG challenge update....finally

2009-09-10T00:14:00.002-04:00

GAG challenge Week 2

2009-09-09T08:22:00.002-04:00

September 9, 2009

I've tried 3 times to upload my 2 images of my info for the week 2 challenge, but keep getting an internal error message. I will try later. I did log my food into my Bodybugg program yesterday and made a little chart for the other point stuff.

Things are on the move as far as the fiber issue is concerned too. I'm very happy.

Going in the wrong direction

2009-09-07T17:25:00.004-04:00

September 7, 2009

I weighed myself yesterday and today...I'm up about 1.5 pounds. I truly believe it's due to my lack of proper meal planning on Saturday. I ate all healthy food & stayed within my calories, but holy shit...or actually no shit. I ate 52 grams of fiber. I fear I won't be able to poop for a month. My crap will turn to a brick. I'm trying to drink LOTS more water.

Hopefully tonight I will dump a load and lose 5 pounds by my GAG weigh in tomorrow. Tonight my son & I are going to the track to run the C25K. Running always makes me have "the" urge. Keeping my fingers crossed.

GAG challenge

2009-09-04T04:06:00.002-04:00

September 4, 2009

Challenge Part 1
I actually do have a family gathering coming up at the end of the month. My dad is turning 60 so we’re celebrating with a cookout. My master plan is to drink lots of water to curb my hunger. I may throw in some iced tea just to mix it up a bit. If my mom isn’t planning to have a veggie tray, I will be bringing one with a low-fat ranch dressing I found. It’s made with yogurt…pretty tasty.
I plan to have one plate of food only & one piece of cake. No seconds. My other goal is just to stay away from the food table as much as possible. I’m hoping my cousins will be bringing the cornhole game & Amish testicle toss ( I have no idea what the real name of the game is, but that’s what we call it). I haven’t seen my cousins since last summer so it will be nice to catch up with them AWAY from the food.
I will work out for 45 minutes prior to going to the party. I know once I get there anything else I plan to do that day will fall to the wayside. In addition to that, my brother & his family will be here from Seattle so I want to spend as much time with them as possible.

Part 2
Chips and salsa are always a huge hit. I have 2 great salsa recipes. I think they’re easy to make and so fabulously yum that I probably will never buy jarred salsa again. The homemade fresh just tastes so much better. This salsa is also great toppings for tacos, chicken, or eggs.
I AT LEAST double this recipe because I always end up wanting more once I get a taste.

#1 Tomato Cilantro Salsa by John D Lee

1 big ripe tomato ( or 2 med or 3 small)
2 Tbsp chopped white onion
1 Tbsp finely chopped cilantro
Fresh chopped chili pepper to your taste
¼ of a lime
Salt

Chop tomato & add it to mixing bowl. Include juice, skin, & seeds.
Add the chopped onion, chili, & cilantro.
Squeeze your lime quarter into the mixture.
Add a pinch of salt and taste. Add more as necessary to your liking.
Enjoy your fresh salsa!

The next recipe is from www.cdkitchen.com It tastes much like the corn salsa from Chipotle if you have that restaurant near you.
This recipe makes 3 cups.
2 ears of very fresh corn (I save the time & hassle & use a bag of Steamfresh frozen corn)
2 vine-ripened tomatoes
1 small red onion
¾ c diced red bell pepper
2 jalapeño chiles, minced (save some of the seeds)
2 tsp pureed canned chipotle chiles (I’ve omitted these before and it still tastes good)
2 limes (juice)
1 Tbsp olive oil
¼ c chopped cilantro
Salt to taste

Remove husks and silk from the corn. Rinse. Simmer corn in rapidly boiling water for 2 minutes; drain and immediately plunge the ears into a bowl of cold water to stop the cooking. Cut kernels off the cob.
Cut tomatoes into the same size dice as the onion and bell pepper.
Combine corn with the diced vegetables; sprinkle in the reserved jalapeño seeds. Stir in the chipotle puree, lime juice, olive oil, cilantro, and salt.
Stir and eat!

I can't believe what I did!!!

2009-09-02T23:10:00.002-04:00

September 2, 2009

Last night I stayed up too late. By the time I tried to lay down & get some sleep, I could not get my mind to turn off. I tossed and turned for an hour. At 4am I decided to get up and clean the kitchen and straighten the livingroom. I closed my lil peeps at 615 and actually fell asleep, but had to get up at 650 to take my kid to school.

After dropping him off, I came home and made my list of things to do. I planned to go back to bed from 8-11am followed by a long list of errands. Yep, not much got done. I slept until 115, showered, & then it was off to pick him up from school already.

After dinner, I sooooo did not feel like working out, but since I joined the GAG challenge & I want to win something (besides a better figure), I forced myself to hit the track. I started my C25K podcast and off I went. I was feeling better once I started, but halfway through I just wasn't feeling it. I finished the 30 minutes, but only ran 3.5 of the intervals. I caught myself trying to talk myself out of NOT finishing my workout. WTF?!! My mind was telling me that my dinner was churning in my tummy and that I might have to run behind the bleachers to poop, I'm thirsty, I'm tired, I have chores to do at home. Blah, blah, blah.

Finally I just told myself to shut up and finish. Guess what? I listened to myself. Not only that, but I also decided to keep walking until I hit my calorie goal, my 10,000 steps goal, and my activity goal. I did all that. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was going to jog & see just how far I could go.
I ran a 1/2 mile without stopping. HOLY CRAP!! I'm pretty sure I haven't run a 1/2 mile since high school. I'm really proud of myself. I actually think I could have gone a bit longer, but it was approaching 11pm and my son was with me; he has school in the morning so I stopped at 1/2 mile.

Tomorrow I will try week 3 of the C25K and more non-stop jogging. Run Forrest Run!!
I'm feelin' good tonight.

GAG Week 1, Day 1

2009-09-01T16:46:00.003-04:00

SEPTEMBER 1, 2009---That start of GAG 2009 Here are the goods..errr or bads of the facts.

Mini-milestone

2009-08-30T18:34:00.003-04:00

August 30, 2009

Today is my weigh-in day and I've officially surpassed the 20 pound mark...finally. My first Bodybugg mini-goal was to get to 240 by Sept 27th. I now have 11.4 pounds until I reach that goal. I'm confident that I can reach that by then especially now that I've broken my mental barrier of the C25K. My last 3 walk/runs have been fabulous. I can't believe I'm actually starting to LIKE running. What the H is going on with me? The old me would have never said that. I'm completely pumped.
September 27th is my dad's 60th birthday. My brother will be here from Seattle. He hasn't seen me for a year. I was close to my heaviest then. I'm excited to see him and my little nieces. Here's a picture of how fat I was then at the baby's Baptism. How in the world did I let myself get so out of control?

That was then & this is now. I'm changing for the better.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Just a blah week

2009-08-28T16:30:00.003-04:00

August 28, 2009

I saw this cartoon and thought it was cute since I think that EVERY time I go to the doctor's office.

So this week, I did the C25K run Monday and Tuesday. I was successful both days and can't wait to run again tomorrow night. I hate working 3 nights in a row. I just can't get the exercise in on at least one of those days. These 3 days have been very trying for all of us at work with one particular patient (crazy woman). Why does it seem like all the crazy people who refuse to take their psych meds get C-sections so they're with us longer? Ugh!

I'm on my "womanly time" so my weight shows 3 pounds up. I'm not really holding much truth to that as my actual weight so I'm just hanging out til next week and see what happens when it's over. The scales does show an overall 3.5% fat loss. That's cool. More people at work at starting to really notice and I think I'm looking less lumpy under my clothes. I like that.

Wish I could stay and chat & read all the blogs today, but my poor ass needs to get ready for work...the last of my 3 in a row. This will go on for the next month because I was a bonehead and thought for sure I was getting that OR job. So I scheduled myself 3 days in a row at the end of every week on this entire schedule which doesn't end until the end of September. Didn't get the job so now I'm stuck working at least part of every weekend. Super move Mel. Just brilliant!!

C25K SUCCESS!!!

2009-08-25T01:15:00.006-04:00

August 25, 2009

It's 115am & I just got home from the high school track. I did it, I did it, I did it....finally. Last Monday I did W2D1 of C25K and I couldn't finish all the running intervals. The rest of last week I never made it back to the track, but did practice the intervals on my elliptical. I don't count those days as actually doing the C25K because I don't know how many strides-per-minute equal walking vs running etc.

Tonight I ran every single second of every running interval. OMG, I feel so accomplished. I am actually making progress & it shows. I'm loving it.

Monday I wore a pair of jeans that I realized I can remove without undoing the button or unzipping them. Does anyone want a free pair of jeans? They're from Lane Bryant. If you're familiar with their updated sizing with the number and color system, the jeans are size 5/blue/short. That's equivalent to a size 22 petite; I think they'd be an appropriate length for someone up to 5'4". They're a dark wash color. Send me a message if you want them.

Below is my Bodybugg calorie burn for the C25K walk/run I just completed. That's an insane calorie burn. Sixteen calories/per minute for some of those minutes. Holy crap!

Small gain

2009-08-24T13:59:00.003-04:00

8/24/09

Yesterday was my weigh-in day. I gained 0.2 pounds. I'm not freaking out about it though because the fat percentage has gone down. Looks like I might actually be gaining a little muscle.
I've finally gotten into a workout groove and worked out 5 days last week. I'm pleased with that although was goal is to do all 7 days. I do have to figure scheduling hurdles.
I'm feeling blah today. It's 2pm. I haven't worked out yet today, but am getting ready to do that, eat some lunch, & then take my son to Magic Mountain to play a few rounds of putt putt golf. He goes back to school Thursday. We're hoping to enjoy our last few days of summer together. He's grown & matured a lot this summer; I'm proud of him.

Enjoy the day.

Orange & Fennel Roasted Cod

2009-08-24T11:46:00.003-04:00

I entered the cookbook contest that Jen-Prior Fat Girl is having again. I mentioned on her blog that I would post my favorite recipe from my fav cookbook so here it is.

Here's the picture from the cookbook of the finished product. The other picture is of fennel. I never knew what fennel even was until I made this recipe. I doubt I had even noticed this in the produce section until I went to look for it.

This recipe makes 4 servings.

2 fennel bulbs with fronds (greenery on top) about 1 lb each
1 Tbsp cooking oil
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
1/4 c fresh orange juice
1 tsp grated orange zest
1/4 tsp fennel seeds
2 lbs cod fillets cut into 4 pieces

1. Heat oven to 450. Cut off tops of fennel bulbs and chop the leafy fronds. Cut each bulb into 8 wedges. In a large roasting pan, toss the fennel wedges with the oil & 1/4 tsp each of salt and pepper. Spread the fennel in an even layer and roast for 25 minutes. Stir the fennel and rotate the pan so the vegetables cook evenly. Roast 15 minutes longer.

2. Meanwhile, in a glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the orange juice, orange zest, fennel seeds, and the remaining 3/4 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper. Add the cod and marinate while the fennel roasts.

3. Remove the pan from the oven and top the fennel with the cod and its marinade. Roast until the cod is just done, just 10 minutes for 3/4-inch thick fillets. Sprinkle the chopped fennel fronds over the cod.

Note: Can substitute cod with any other white-fleshed relatively thick fillets. Suggestions are haddock, sea bass, or orange roughy.

Super-yummy salad

2009-08-20T00:41:00.002-04:00

Here's a salad I ate yesterday for lunch. I enjoyed it so much I ate another similar one for dinner. The salad has spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, blueberries, chow mein noodles, & light berry balsamic dressing. For dinner I added strawberries, mixed greens and omitted the chow mein noodles.

Thank you Katie J

2009-08-19T23:32:00.004-04:00

...for the Lovely Blog Award

I follow lots of great blogs so it's hard to choose just 15. A special THANK YOU to Katie J for all her kind comments and support.

Here are the ones I nominate this time around:

1. Losing Waist--I love all the brutal honesty that you write about & share with us.
2. Confessions of a +Sized Girl--Monica, you need a little pick-me-up
3. Less of Lisa---Lisa,you'll get through this rough spot.
4. Escape from Obesity
5. Fat Girl Dives In
6. Jenn Prior Fat Girl--you're always an inspiration
7. 282.5
8. Jack Sh*t--always good for a boost and a laugh
9. A Forty Something's Weight Loss Journey
10. 4oz
11. From Fat to Fab
12. Bigger Than My Body
13. Diamond Motivation
14. Thru Thick & Thin
15. Shrinky-Dinky

Thanks to everyone for all the comments. Your support means a lot to me.

Weak effort

2009-08-19T10:24:00.004-04:00

August 19, 2009

I didn't work out yesterday and it shows. I almost made my calorie-burned goal, but the deficit was not good. I really need to get it out of my head that I will workout in the evening. That's bullshit. The other night I didn't go to the track either because the humidity was about 100%; the air just took my breath away when we stepped outside. I did, however, workout in my basement for a while...36 minutes actually putting my daily total to 66 minutes plus walking around the mall doing school shopping.

I'm not sure what I did yesterday morning that took precedence over working out but it did. And look, here I am again reading and writing blogs instead of taking my butt straight to the basement.

Ok, when I get done working out I want to make another post about that show "More to Love". I hate that show, but continue to watch it, It's like a train wreck. It's horrible, but I can't look away.

Sunday's weigh-in -2.6

2009-08-17T18:05:00.003-04:00

August 17, 2009

I had my weigh-in yesterday. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. I'm happy about that. I always wish it were more, but I guess that is respectable. I don't know what people do to lose 5+ pounds a week. I worked out every day except Saturday. I busted ass all week & had good calorie deficits. Thursday I was up at 7am and didn't get a nap before work that night. By the time I got to bed Friday morning, I had been up over 25 hours, but then woke up after 5 hours sleep. Saturday morning it all caught up with me and I just couldn't get up early enough to work out before going in to work Saturday night.

I've already done my 45 minutes of workout today before I took my son school shopping, but I plan to go to the track and do another round of C25K tonight after dark.

Oh, I found a new pair of frames too. I like them so well that I'm getting regular glasses & sunglasses in the same frame. I can't wait to get my eye exam so I can get them.

Wednesday's stats

2009-08-13T13:49:00.004-04:00

August 13, 2009

So I've had 7 days off work. Man I love working only 3 days a week. However, I wish I had just one more day off to finish up the basement. I got into the crawl space to clean, organize, & purge stuff I really can live without. What did I find? My dishwasher has been leaking for a while and got a large amount of our Christmas stuff wet. It's obviously been going on for a while because some of the boxes had black mold growing on them. Another "fuck me" situation. Hopefully this won't cost an arm & a leg to fix. I'm praying that my dad can fix it. Guess it's dishpan hands for me for a while. I can live with that.

Just got back from visiting the fiance' at the county. He looks good...getting scrawny as the food tastes like crap there, but oh well. Only 32 more days until his hearing. I pray he gets to come home then. I'm sick of doing it(life) all by myself. Nap time for me. I have to work at 7pm.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Cinder blocks on my ankles

2009-08-12T12:18:00.004-04:00

August 12, 2009

Yesterday I spend the good majority of the day cleaning up & cleaning out my basement. What a job! My whole body is revolting against exercising today. I didn't get to bed last night until 1230 & woke up at 830. That means daylight which means I don't run in public. Today was W2D2 of the C25K. I really wanted to run on the track, but poor planning on my part left me to do it on the elliptical.
Once I hopped on it, it was all I could do to propel that darn thing forward. My legs are just pooped & I felt like I had cinder blocks tied to my ankles. The podcast I listen to for the C25K made mention of the parameters for doing it on the elliptical. I'll have to check that out as I'm sure I'm nowhere near where I should be.
I did the entire "walk/run" at an incline of 10, the walking segments at intensity level 6-9, and the running segments at 10-15. I was a total clock watcher today and hopped off the second I reached 30 minutes.
In addition to the C25K, today is also lower body weight lifting day for my Body for Life plan. I'm going to wait until tonight to do that. I'm just not ready for that yet at the moment.

I ate Quaker High fiber oatmeal and a piece of string cheese for breakfast, but I'm really feeling like I want to eat something else. What, I don't know. I just want to eat. Perhaps I should have gone to another OA meeting today.

I chickened out to write what I had planned to write about today. That whole topic makes me feel weak and shameful among other things. Maybe another day.

Kicked butt Tuesday

2009-08-12T00:19:00.003-04:00

August 12, 2009

Here are my Bodybugg stats for the past 3 days. I'm dreading tomorrow because it's supposed to be lower body weights along with cardio. I'm sooo sore from Monday still.

Negative self-talk

2009-08-11T09:18:00.002-04:00

August 11, 2009

I find it truly amazing how God puts before us the exact things we need to see, do, or hear at the moment we need that information. Yesterday I went to an OA meeting & realized that one of the members is a teacher I had in college…20 years ago and she recognized me. Yikes. I’d seen her at the meetings for about 5 weeks and just didn’t make the connection. She taught speech & I freaking hated every second of that class. At the beginning of each class, she made all the students stand up and repeat “I like it, I like it, I can do it”. I did it because I needed the grade, but I NEVER liked it. Public speaking invokes such fear in me that it makes me want to cry to do it.
I have no idea why this is the case. I talk a lot. My friends, family, & coworkers think I’m really funny & entertaining with the crap that flies out of my mouth, but to talk in a controlled setting, standing up in front of people….no way. Today as I was reading some blogs I realize something profound about myself. I have lived much of my life in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of never being happy, fear of not being a good parent or raising him in such a way that he, too, feels like shit about himself, fear of not being pretty enough or thin enough, smart enough, fear of not being PERFECT.

None of us are perfect and I would never expect my loved ones to be perfect so I don’t know why I expect it from myself, but I often do. I’ve declined or resisted invitations to go out into the world and try new things for fear of failure. What if I fall on my ass while learning to snow ski? Before even getting to the slopes I worried about not fitting into the snow pants my brother arranged for us to borrow. I have allowed my weight to keep me a prisoner from my own life. My insecurities run deep.

I’ll interject this funny, but weight related, story to break up the seriousness that this post turned into. In 2006 my fiancé & I went to Aruba. We decided to try scuba diving. Neither of us had tried it. We get all our gear and embarrassingly enough, I had to have some huge ass life jacket and an extremely heavy weight belt that is used to balance your weight when you’re underwater. Fat floats people. Big boobs=built-in floatation devices. I need a REALLY heavy belt; after all, I am 50% fat. We were sitting at the front of the boat so we were the last to get in the water. Brent went before I did. I was the very last to go. As I’m holding the line, I stick my head under the water and see how far down everyone is. HOLY SHIT. What if I run out of air? What if my mask falls off, what if I lose my respirator? I start to panic….seriously. I told the instructor that I couldn’t do it & started to swim back to the boat. He told me no. I finally get to the bottom of the ocean; we were only 30 feet under. My heart is pounding. I look over and see Brent sitting on the ocean floor patiently waiting. He pointed to his oxygen gauge like he wasted all his air waiting on me..ha ha. The next step was to find that proper buoyancy level where you can stay under water. It’s a fine balancing act with how you breathe too. I didn’t realize that at first. The instructor is telling me to do this and that to see if I’m at the right buoyancy. Nope. He starts picking up rocks & shoving them in my life jacket. Another test….still not right. We do this for several rounds. Finally he looks at this humongous rock….like a boulder, but then finds some other rock. When we got back to shore Brent made mention of the guy looking at the boulder. He said he thought the guy was going to make me swim with that huge boulder the entire time. Jerk, shut up skinny-ass white boy! So that’s my scuba diving story. It was fearful but fun.

Back to my seriousness….

I noticed in every OA meeting I’ve been to that at least one person, if not several, have mentioned perfection. They can’t move on to the next step because they fear they haven’t done the current step “perfectly”. They've mentioned multiple things where they expect perfection. Do all fat people expect perfection from our/themselves and because we know that perfection isn’t realistic, we just throw our hands up and say “Screw it, I’m not doing any of it if I can’t do it right”? I know that I’ve had that thought many times…too many times to count.
Sean A made mention of this type of negative thinking in his blog recently, but I find it ironic that I read it today & not on the day he posted it. Negative self-talk definitely lives in my head & manifests itself in my life. I REALLY want to change that. I’m finding it difficult because situations happen that reinforce that message in my mind. Back in March I applied for a job at a local hospital for a position doing exactly what I did at my previous nursing job. I had 3 interviews that lasted a total of 6 hours. Honestly people, I thought I had the job in the bag. I miss working in surgery & was so excited about the prospect of getting back to doing those trauma cases & all the blood & guts. It’s just interesting & exciting and you get to see things you never imagine that you’ll ever see. People can really get themselves into some precarious situations (gee doc, I’m not sure how that beer bottle ended up in my rectum). Anywhoo, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I honestly believe it was because I’m fat. The manager who interviewed me made mention, not once, but twice, in the interview about the physical demands of the job. Really lady????!!!! I came from a level I trauma center & did that job WELL for over 7 years; I think I know the freaking demands of the job. So anyway, I’ll be adding that situation to my list of resentments when I get to that step in OA. That step will probably take me a year because I’ll be so swamped with listing all the resentments I have for myself.
My goal is to feel like I’m worth it…whatever “IT” is. I want others to see my worth regardless of what the scales might say. I want to be proud of myself; I just want to be happy.
My intention today was to write about something else, but look what came out. I will start writing my other topic tonight and post it for tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Interesting twist on motivation....

2009-08-10T23:10:00.004-04:00

but I think I'll pass on this one. I found this on www.stumbleupon.com

Lose Weight, Money, And Self-Respect With Flaab.com!

As if trying to lose weight wasn’t demoralizing enough, a new website called Flaab.com also embarrasses you and takes your money if you fail to shed the pounds. The website’s motto is, “Lose weight or else.” Basically, when you sign up, you tell the site how much weight you want to lose and give yourself a deadline. Then you bet a bunch of money that you can do it. If you drop the weight, the money is yours. But, if you don’t drop the pounds, the dough goes to a person or group you hate—like an ex, an annoying coworker, or an evil organization. Apart from losing money, “Flaabers” can also concoct another awful punishment for themselves if they fail. One girl vowed she would publish her phone number on the site and beg people to call and harass her. Someone else swore if they didn’t lose 30 pounds they’d give up sex for a month.

So what do you think—is this a good way to give people motivation, or is this totally twisted? [Flaab.com]
Posted by: Nikki Dowling 10:50AM, Thursday July 09th 2009 Filed in: News & Culture
Flaab.com

Tags: weight loss, flaab.com

New scale

2009-08-09T15:14:00.004-04:00

August 9, 2009

So I finally had my coaching session with the Bodybugg coach. She suggested getting a scale that also measures body fat. She made mention that they aren't the most accurate way to measure however it was a cheap way to gauge progress when the scale isn't moving much. Makes sense. So I found one on clearance at Bed, Bath,& Beyond. I was surprised that the weight was as close to the digital scale I have in the basement. The new one says I'm 1.8 pounds heavier. I can live with that.
Turns out that I'm only 50% fat free...no surprise there. I figured that being twice the size that I should be, all that excess weight must be fat. That was a Captain Obvious measurement, but at least it's a place to start.
I moved on to week 2 of the C25K program. I like the music selection a lot more than week 1. I tried it out on the treadmill. It didn't go so well. Monday morning I'm going to head to the track & try again.
The other thing I'm going to do is start the Body for Life training schedule. I've had some success in the past following that plan. I need some structure for my weight lifting workouts & I think that will help.

Belt progress picture

2009-08-06T19:51:00.004-04:00

August 6, 2009

This was taken today. Looks like I'm making a little progress towards getting this belt back in use. The original picture to the left was taken 7/14

Feeling Good

2009-08-03T08:47:00.002-04:00

Aug 3, 2009

Yesterday I weighed myself and hit the 15 pound mark. I don't count the weight loss as accurate until I see it on the scales 2 days in a row. Today was day 2. Woo Hooo!!
Also yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I haven't been able to wear for a long time. I couldn't even get them zipped 15 pounds ago.

That's all I've got for today so far. I'm off to the basement to work out and then heading to an OA meeting.

August already

2009-08-01T06:02:00.004-04:00

August 1, 2009

Having my computer gone for over a week really threw a monkey wrench into my rhythm. Not that I blogged every day, but I felt like I had some schedule of sorts. I need to get back into a groove and start writing again.
Besides my pizza situation, I've actually managed to do fairly well. I must admit that the pizza cost me 2 pounds which I have since taken off again. Damn pizza. I've had some small victories this week.
These are the things I'm starting to notice about myself as of late:
1. At my heaviest, when I would sit down, I would feel like my fat gut pushed up into my boobs and then my boobs would feel as if they were up under my chin. I almost felt strangled by my own fat. I still have fat, but I don't feel like my chin is resting on my boobs when I'm sitting down anymore. Boobs are great, but I really don't want to be using them as a necklace.

2. One day this week I got up very early and went to the school to slog. I was able to run half way around the track. Dare I say I'm making some progress?!

3. I can tell that my clothes are fitting better.

4. I'm currently wearing a pair of panties that I stopped wearing many months ago because every time I wore them, they ended up rolling under my fat roll and practically falling off. Very annoying. Now that my roll isn't so big, they stay in place. Small successes. Love it.

5. Several years ago my mom bought me 2 scales for Christmas. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was her way of saying "Hey fatass, you keep eating like you are and you'll need both of these to be able to even weigh yourself"...hell, I don't know. But anyway, one was digital and one is the old school kind with the circular disc that spins around. That scale only went up to 260. When I started this journey, I couldn't even weight myself because I was over 270. Now I can!! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see 250-something on the scales. Guess it's all relative to where you started.

6. Thursday I went to visit my guy and he said he can definitely tell that I'm losing. He said my face looks thinner & my skin looks clearer & glowing now that I'm eating better.

7. One day this week I did the elliptical for 65 minutes straight. I planned to do it for 60 minutes, but the calorie counter was close to saying 800 calories burned that I did it until it read 800. I was feeling awesome because that's the longest I've ever done it, but my bubble was quickly burst when I downloaded the Bodybugg only to learn that it was only 600 & something calories and not 800. Oh well! It's 600+ more than what I would have burned sitting on my ass.

8. I've noticed that my bras aren't so tight...less bra overhang. Love that.

9. The arm strap on my Bodybugg isn't so tight-looking. I can tell that my biceps are improving. Triceps seem to take a long time to build. Don't have any guns yet, but perhaps little pistols-in-the-making. I've always been an upper body weakling so this will take time. Lower body was where my strength was so that's the exercises I used to focus on instead of what I NEEDED to work on. When I was in high school, I could squat 450 pounds on the stationary squat machine & I could bench press more than the boy in my weight lifting group. Poor thing.

10. I went to 2 OA meetings last week. I'm going to one today. This might be my last time going to this particular meeting. I'm not sure if it's the format of this meeting that I don't care for or what. There is one girl there who just rubs me the wrong way with the "I'm better than everybody-attitude". I get enough bullshit from some of the crap we endure with our patients at work that when I'm doing something for myself, I just want to find some peace & inspiration without leaving there feeling passive-aggressive.

On the non-weight related issues, after interviewing for 3 jobs, I finally made a decision on what I wanted to do. In my mind, I had nearly decided even before interviewing that I wasn't going to take this one particular job just because it was double the drive time and I didn't think they would be able to financially compensate me compared to what I'm used to making in the city. However the unit director seemed impressed enough to call me back for a 2nd interview which I went to on Wednesday. This one was with 3 other nurses and one scrub tech who got to ask me an entire page of questions. In my head, I was trying to figure out how I could work part time there and keep my full-time job where I currently work. Right now I work 12 hour nights and this is a day shift position.
I was so torn. I had also interviewed in the operating room at the hospital were I work now. Thought that would be handy for scheduling to work at the same place. That isn't going to fly though because they don't allow you to work 2 jobs at the same place. More specifically they won't let you work more than 80 hrs/pay. That defeats the whole purpose of working a PT job. I left HR kinda pissed about the entire thing.
I thought I should give up on finding a part time job and focus on trying to start up my jewelry business & sell my stuff online.
When I got home, I started to do some more research about this little hospital in the country and found out that their retirement plan is with the freakin' state. Ok, so that is totally what I've been after this entire time. I worked 7+ years at Ohio State which is state retirement. I wanted to at least get to the 10 year mark with my retirement because there are extra perks that come with that. My whole mindset shifted in that moment.
My gut feeling is that my current job will eventually be phased out due to some medicaid insurance changes that have happened around here. So I decided in my mind that I would take this job in the boonies even though it's over a 40 minute drive & the money won't be as good. While I'm thinking about all this, one of my co-workers called and told me that she just got a call to provide a reference for me. Cool beans. I'm thinking that since they are calling references right after my 2nd interview, they must be considering offering me the job.
I emailed the manager the next morning & asking her a few other questions and indicating that I would take the job full-time. Haven't heard jack shit from her since. Why o why can't things just go smoothly?!!! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something Monday.
I really want to focus on getting rid of excess...excess weight and excess debt. I want to pay off my debt and have some financial peace of mind...and a savings account.

That's my world in a nutshell as of late.

On a very sad note, please everybody pray for Jen (PriorFatGirl) and her family. Her mom was killed yesterday.

Crap eating

2009-07-27T18:31:00.004-04:00

July 27, 2009

So after fighting my pizza crazing for a night, I broke down and ate pizza. Not once, but 3 times. I'm so beyond pissed at myself. Saturday I weighed and was excited that I was now down 14 pounds; so what did I do? Succumbed to peer pressure at work when they wanted to order pizza. Instead of eating my soup and fruit that I brought, I ordered pizza too. In my mind, I justified eating all those calories because I had only eaten about 400 calories that day.
After eating all that pizza, my gut hurt, I was lethargic and struggled to stay awake for the rest of my shift. It was horrible. After eating better for several months, I can definitely tell how much better I feel. It's actually more evident when I don't stay on my food plan. I feel sick! I feel guilty. I feel tired. I'm not digging this feeling at all. Back to better eating. I miss the good feelings of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself.
I have managed to get in some exercise most every day, but I need to really reorganize my thoughts and get myself back on the straight and narrow TODAY. This can NOT wait until tomorrow.

The other thing I'm totally ticked about is the water challenge with Jen. Seriously...water is about the only thing I ever drank anyway. I would have iced tea if I went out to eat and sometimes make it at home. But I'm not a coffee drinker and haven't had soda since starting my program. So what happened? I tell myself I can't have something and then I want it. WTF is wrong with me? It is such a self-sabotaging move on my part. I was fine with water only before I told myself I couldn't have other beverages. Now I've consumed other drinks because I got in my head that I was being deprived. This just freakin chaps my hide!! Now I'm out of the water challenge. Maybe I'll "punish" myself in August and will only drink water for the entire month just so I know I can do it.

Why o why

2009-07-24T11:17:00.000-04:00

....does life have to be so darn complicated? My credit card company just called and apparently my card bought somebody dinner in JAPAN!! and a cash advance in New Jersey for $5.00. Guess they were just testing the waters with that one.

Back online & out of the 60s

2009-07-24T07:57:00.005-04:00

Hello all,

I FINALLY have my computer back; I had no idea what a computer addict I was until I was 8 days without a computer. Ugh, very painful. My computer is a virgin again after having a complete restore. I'm a bit sad to have lost some great websites that I had bookmarked and some other stuff I really wanted, but I couldn't justify paying an extra $100 for the backup. Guess if it's THAT important I'll find it again.
I can't upload my bodybugg info because this computer comes with IE8 and BB requires IE 6 or 7. Every download for IE 7 I've found says it's not compatible with this Vista version. I've been very frustrated since Wednesday.
Wednesday was my fiance's court hearing for his cases. It lasted about 60 seconds and I could only hear about every 3rd word. I left without hearing what his bond was. Again, more frustration. I picked my computer up on the way home, went home to try to look up his bond info online only to discover that my product info for my anti-virus had been saved in an email folder which...you guessed it, it gone. Grrrr!!! I was able to do the 60 day free trial again, but I will have to rebuy the freaking thing again.
I've just felt overwhelmed this entire week. Monday I went to a different OA meeting since I knew I wouldn't make it to the Wednesday meeting. I'm glad I went. I've been really bad this week about planning my meals. I don't have anything in the house that's not on my plan, but it's making my life more difficult to have been so busy not to plan. I feel a huge internal chaos and I hate it.
Monday morning I went out (in the dark) and did the C25K run/walk. This was the first time I had tried it on the street. I feel really invigorated because I can tell that I'm building up some endurance from where I was. That's totally cool. Can't wait to build up even more.
Monday night I stayed up until 5am and cleaned up my office. I haven't filed in AGES. Holy crap, I shredded two trash bags full of papers. It's not quite done yet, but at least you can get in the room and see that there's actually a desk and chair in there.
I worked Tues & Wed. So after the crappy results of court, I had to face a night of work. From a meeting he had with a pretrial court woman, we were given the impression that he would be getting out on a recognizance bond which would be great because we're broke and don't have money laying around for bond. His parents aren't in a position to pay either. That day was a complete letdown; no one who was recommended for a recognizance bond got it. B's bond was $3700 and I feel horrible that I can't pay it, but...it is what it is. I would rather him stay in until his sentencing. It would break my heart to have him home for 6 months and then have him get sentenced to time and have to be ripped from my life again. We're praying he gets alternative sentencing and is able to get a program called Drug Court where he can get help for his alcoholism. We'll see what happens. At least he's back in the same city and I don't have to make 8 hr trips to TN to visit.
My only real good news of the week is that I'm out of the 260's. WoooHoooo!!! I weighed two days in a row just to be sure. 259 baby, 259! I was surprised because I haven't exercised as much as I want and need to this week. I'll bust ass today and tomorrow.
Last night was a struggle for me. I wanted pizza so badly, but I knew if I went to the store and bought a pizza I would eat the whole damn thing. I had it all planned out in my head too. I obsessed about it until I finally forced myself to go to bed. I'm feeling more in control today, but pizza sure does sound good still.

Can't wait to catch up on all the blogging I missed last week and this week. Hope everyone is doing well.

Jen's Challenge

2009-07-15T11:30:00.002-04:00

July 15, 2009

Jen over at Jen@PriorFatGirl is having a "drink water only" challenge for the next 2 weeks & she's having a giveaway so check her out. http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2009/07/happy-hump-day-giveaway.html

Because I'm obsessive the way I am, I weigh myself every day. My weigh-in yesterday was in the evening so I thought I would hop on the scale in the AM and see if it made a difference. It did!! I'm at an even 260 which makes it 12 pounds lost. That makes me feel much better because I feel like I've been kicking this fat's ass and it still refuses to leave. Maybe it's finally starting to get the message.

There will be no Bodybugg updates until I get my computer back...boo hiss. I'll have to be extra strict with my food intake just to be on the safe side.

Mini-goal reached

2009-07-14T21:17:00.000-04:00

I weighed myself tonite after my shower...I finally reached the 10lb mark. Seemed like it took forever & a day.
My computer has something wrong with it. Everything is missing from my Start Menu. That's no good. I'm trying to update this blog from my phone. We'll see if it works. Someone please let me know.
Hopefully I'll have my computer back by Friday.

Marvelous Monday

2009-07-14T00:40:00.009-04:00

July 13, 09

There's my work for the day. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical. Once again, I had no intention of staying up all night, but I did. I took my son to & from school and then had my interview at 2pm. Another good interview. I'm going to go back in the next 2 weeks for a second interview/observation day to see how I like it. It's totally small compared to the other hospital I came from. Ohio State has 26 ORs and this place only has 3 & 1 procedure room. As a small hospital, they can't pay even as well as the hospital I'm at now so I definitely can't do it as my main job, but I'd consider it as a PT job to get my bills paid off. The compute is also double what I drive now so that's another factor...40+ minutes in the winter; I don't know. Anyhooo, I am supposed to talk to the OR manager at my current hospital at the end of the week. Lots of options on the table now. I might just try to throw Ohio State back in the mix just for the hell of it. Those state benefits sure were nice.

I posted a picture I took tonight after working out. I was really sad to see just how fat I had become. Five years ago I started training with the mother of one of my son's friends. She's in her 40s and is built like a brick shit house as they say--tanned, toned, & muscular. I bought that belt then. I think I weighed about 225 then. As you can see, it's about 4-6 inches short of going around my big ol gut. I'm going to use that as one measure of progress. The other day I took some pictures of myself in clothes that just aren't so cute on me anymore. I'm going to post those soon too.

Have a great night everybody. I'm taking an Advil PM and closing my little peepers now.

Dairy Queen is the Devil

2009-07-13T00:08:00.003-04:00

July 12/13 2009

I worked Saturday night and ate breakfast/dinner around 2 or 3AM. I went home & went straight to bed without eating because I knew I was meeting my friend for dinner tonigh (Sunday). I needed to hear about her trip to Dallas-- same friend who had the bad date with the wacky dude who brought his own water. So I saved all my calories for this great meal. And it was GREAT. I had a very yummy garlic steak, baked potato, & steamed broccoli, water, & iced tea.
On the way home we decided to stop at DQ. OMG was that a bad idea. Had I looked at the nutrition information BEFORE we stopped, I wouldn't have gotten anything. We both got small cookie dough blizzards. SEVEN HUNDRED and 10 freaking calories. I looked all that info up while putting my food into the BB program. When I saw my results for the day, I quickly changed clothes and ran downstairs and hopped on the elliptical until midnight. I exceeded my caloric burn and food calorie consumption, but didn't reach my calorie deficit goal....all because of that damned blizzard.
No more blizzards or DQ for me. :o(
But, being healthy and in shape will feel better than that ice creams tastes.

Thursday's sloth results

2009-07-11T01:33:00.003-04:00

Thursday I didn't really reach any of my goals as I was in bed most of the day. See the flat line of my "lazy assness"? I was able to work out around 730 or 8pm after the Aleve kicked in and took most of my neck pain away.

Friday's work

2009-07-11T01:22:00.003-04:00

So once again I stayed up all night Thursday. I did manage to keep myself awake until noon. I did the elliptical for 45 minutes, but no weights today.

Thursday I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes of upper body weights, and then 20 more minutes on the elliptical. Today I can feel the soreness in my tiny triceps, but that's a good thing.
I showed the girls at work the Bodybugg. They were all surprised how small it was. They thought it was much bigger from pictures they'd seen. I said it only looked small on me because my arms are so huge, huge on others because they're arms aren't the size of legs. Fat, fat go away!!!

Calorie Count

2009-07-09T17:45:00.003-04:00

July 9, 2009

I'm not at all happy with my day. Last night I made a list of things I wanted/needed to get done today. Guess how many are done. Two. I took my kid to school & I picked him up. End of story. A couple of nights (days for me since I'm a night shift girl)ago, I slept wrong on my side and now today the pain is even more excruciating. I can not lift my left arm past shoulder height and I've got pain that radiates from my neck down into my left arm and down midway to my thoracic spine. When I finally got out of bed...again, the pain literally brought me to tears. If I don't keep my head in a neutral position, the pain is intense. This totally does not fit into my plans for the day.
Now it's nearly 6pm. I've wasted the whole fucking day & I'm pissed. It was not my intention to sleep the day away in pain. Tomorrow and Saturday night I have to work so it will be another few days before anything else gets done in the house. Grrrr!!

I've taken some Aleve and I'm waiting for it to kick in. Perhaps if I can manage to do the elliptical for 30-40 minutes, it will warm my neck muscles up enough that I can do some stretches and work out the kink. I know I won't be able to function at work if I'm in this shape tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been reading some of the posts from today. It seems like quite a few of us are in a funk about this weight loss journey especially regarding food choices. A couple of things hit home with me regarding that. When I decided to start on this journey again, it wasn't necessarily that I thought I would have an easy time. I'm not that delusional. However, I did think that maybe 20 pounds might fall off rather quickly though because if you think of the amount of calories we consume when we ARE watching what we eat, I wonder how many calories we ate when we weren't paying attention.
I know there are times when I get on a soda kick. I drink Dr Pepper like it's the last day of production and I have to drink all I can before it stops being available.
I was on one of those kicks before I started in April. It was really hard to stop drinking it. The carbonation & caramel coloring give me a fierce stomach ache since having my gallbladder removed. But did that ever stop me from drinking it? Hell no. Throw some bad food in with it and I'd be in the bathroom in no time flat, but it never stopped me. I'd just keep taking more Immodium.
During my last trip down to TN, I logged all my food into the Bodybugg. I didn't eat anything that wasn't healthy on this particular day. My calories were like 2050. And that was eating 3 HEALTHY meals. I can not even begin to imagine what I was consuming when I was eating mindlessly day after day. It's no wonder my ass looks like cottage cheese with the great divide down the middle, my legs have more ripples than a babbling brook, & my arms...ugh, I have stretch marks from my armpits to elbow. That's just disgusting. I don't have to wonder why I'm fat; I know!!

But that brings me to my other thought. If I was consuming, let's say 3500 Kcal just for shits & giggles, and now I'm only eating 1900, why isn't the weight coming off quickly especially since I had the couchectomy to get the couch removed from my ass. I haven't been working out EVERY day, but I'm certainly doing lots more than I was 2 months ago. It's like my body is secretly working against me. Damn her! I know I'm getting stronger, but seriously I need to see more results. This is just frustrating beyond belief.

So I've sat here long enough that the Aleve is working a bit. I can crane my neck forward a couple of inches. I'm going to head to the basement to attempt my workout while the gettin' is good.

For those of you who are struggling right now, remember that you ARE worth the effort and we all deserve to be healthy, fit, & happy. Keep doing the next right thing and eventually we will see the results we're working so hard to achieve.

Great day

2009-07-08T17:35:00.003-04:00

Today turned out to be a great day!! My interview was awesome. The lady was super nice. She said I should hear something fairly soon although I won't hold my breath as it's a state job. I'm expecting a snail's pace on that.
On the way home from the interview, I stopped at Kohl's to find a pair of shoes that my son wanted. Yeah, they had his size. DSW didn't; they had about 6 pairs of size 8. What man wears a size 8 shoes? Apparently not many or there wouldn't have been so many.

About 5 minutes after I got home, the UPS man showed up with my new Bodybugg. WooHooo. It came a day before projected. I hope it's done charging before I leave for my happy hour.

Then I was home about an hour and I got a phone call to interview at a hospital that is 40 minutes away. That will be a bitch of a drive especially in the winter, but I'll see what they have to say and what kind of money they'll willing to dish out.
I still have the interview at the end of next week. Now I should call Ohio State, see if I can interview Wednesday, and if I can get my old job back just to round out the interviewing/job choices.

God is GOOD.

I wore a pair of dress casual Dockers to the interview and actually wore a belt with them. That's a first I've worn a belt in quite a while. The pants fit better now than when I bought them. I was feeling good about that so I decided to try on my size 20 jeans. I can get them on now AND zipped, but they aren't fit for public viewing yet. It was camel toe city and they make my butt look flat. Ten or 15 more pounds and they might be ok.

Holding steady

2009-07-08T08:57:00.004-04:00

July 8, 2009

Not much to report as of late. I'm holding steady with the 9lbs lost even despite the arrival of my "girl time" this week. I managed to get my butt to bed at a halfway decent hour last night. I went to bed at 1, but it was 230 last time I looked at the clock. I was tired. I'm not sure why it took me so long to fall asleep. I hate that!

Today I got my son off to summer school & then headed over to my parents' to use their treadmill. I've just been using my elliptical as of late. Thought I would mix it up a bit. I did a few intervals of running at 5mph which is up from my 4.3 shuffle. I tried 6mph but that just kicked my ass & only lasted about 5 seconds....literally. I'm not there yet.

Now I'm home and have a gazillion things to get done. I've got an interview at 2pm for an employee health nurse position with the state. It's just a contingent position, but I'll take whatever bit of extra money I can get. Hate, hate, hate being broke. Next week I've got another interview for a part time position in the operating room at the same hospital where I currently work. I need to find out if the hospital will let me work two separate positions there. I miss working in the OR.
I currently work with high risk OB patients, and postpartum moms and their new babies. It was fun at first, but not challenging at all. And seriously if I have to check out one more edematous perineum or help get one more baby onto the boob I might just scream. Calgon...take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

My replacement bodybugg should be here tomorrow. As I suspected, it will be a full 2 weeks lost from using it. I've done quite well sticking to my plan though. Last week Friday-Sunday I didn't work out though. I just find it very difficult to muster the energy to work out even 20 minutes when working 3 12 hour night shifts in a row. I have yet to figure out why working 12hr nights is different than working 12hr days. I never came home and went straight to bed when I was on days. Nowadays if I can keep my eyes open on the drive home, I'm doing great.

Tonight it's salmon for dinner. Yum yum! Then I'm off to a little happy hour/going away party for a co-worker. I'm limiting myself to 1 drink & staying for only 2 hours. I might succumb to peer pressure if I stay longer than that or have more drinks.

Mind games

2009-07-02T08:55:00.001-04:00

July 2, 2009

This morning I’ve spent some time reading other weight loss blogs. One thing that struck me was the mind games we play on ourselves while on this journey to become the better “us”. It’s kind of like a mental ass-kicking and not in a good way. Not in a way that serves the purpose to motivate or bring about positive change.
I noticed that in the blogs where the person lists their weekly weigh-ins, it will say “only lost a pound” or whatever that number is that week. We minimize the progress like one pound doesn’t count for anything. On the flip side of the coin, when they report a weight gain of a pound or 2, they report it like it’s this massive gain—like some bolder just rolled off a mountain top and crushed every ounce of progress they’ve made. Why do we do that to ourselves? A pound is a pound. We have to take the good with the bad. I’m not saying that I’m not guilty of this very same thing because I totally am. I think it goes along with my all-or-nothing mentality that I’ve practiced for so long.
I’m trying to reprogram my thinking because one pound may not seem like anything in the grand scheme of trying to lose 100+ pounds, but I have to start somewhere. I’ll take the one pound. Eventually those one pounds will make 10 and eventually 100. I want that immediate result of looking cute & feeling great NOW, but I know I won’t get it at the exact moment I want it. That is what’s going to be so rewarding when I finally reach my goal…knowing that I worked for every single pound that I’ve lost.
I read a quote on a blog that said:

You don’t have to be great to start, but to be great, you have to start.

I don’t recall who posted that, if it was his/her own words or a quote from someone else, but seriously…WOW. That is so true. Thank you to whoever posted that and to whoever wrote it.
I hold myself to some standard that I would never hold anyone else to; I’ve not been a good friend to myself. One thing for me that is different this time is the fact that I’m not losing weight for some upcoming event. I’m not trying to squeeze into a smaller dress for some party or to look half decent on some vacation. Although…I do have a gorgeous wedding dress that wouldn’t fit me if I were getting married tomorrow. Thank God for no wedding date. Anyway, back on subject, I do have an ideal time line in which I want to lose all this weight, but it’s not a do or die if I don’t make it by that date. I’m going to be 40 on my next birthday; I think that would be a ridiculously fabulous gift to give myself. I may not lose all 140 by then, but any progress in that direction is better than where I am at this very moment. And that, I will take.

New shoes

2009-07-01T15:02:00.001-04:00

July 1, 2009

Wow, July already. Unbelievable! That just goes to show how quickly time flies and more importantly that the future will come regardless of whether I’m doing something to improve my life or not. I’ve been on the trek for 2 months already and I feel like I’ve made little progress compared to changes I’ve accomplished in the past ---and let slip away. I’m staying focused though & eating what I need to eat, & moving my butt of f the couch.

Yesterday while my son was mowing the grass for the neighbor, I ran up to Marshall’s to check out the shoe situation as I’ve had my current running shoes for 2 years which is the last time I attempted this running “thing”. I normally wear a 6.5, but couldn’t find any decent shoes in my size. I did find a 7.5 which I almost bought. They were a tad big, but I thought for the price I would suck it up. With shoes in hand, I walked over to the kids section. I found a pair of Asics Gels for $25. Cha ching! There are only 2 small things about me---my feet and my wallet so this totally worked out well for me on both accounts. I think they’re pretty good looking too which is only a small factor since I only plan to wear these for working out; I really don’t care about the looks of them at this point.

When he was done mowing, my son & I played some tennis. The weather was great at 75 degrees, but it was a little bit windy for tennis. After that we went to the park for a walk on the nature trail. We didn’t do the long trail because I was breaking in the new shoes. I was afraid I’d be a mile into the walk and have blisters or something and have a torturous walk back to the car. My feet were a little sore, but no blisters.

For dinner I made small steaks, baked potatoes, and spinach salad. The spinach salad was gross, but I ate most of it anyway. I was trying to recreate this warm spinach salad I had at a restaurant in Chicago many years back. I wasn’t successful, not even by a long shot. I’ll keep working at it. I did eat a small dish of cherry vanilla ice cream too; I needed something to wash that gross salad taste out of my mouth.

I stayed up until 5am which isn’t necessarily a bad thing as I need to get back on my night shift routine for work, but I got the munchies after midnight. I ate 2 pieces of rye toast with butter. Not the best move in the middle of the night, but it is what it is.

So I’m a bit irritated today as I’m STILL waiting on the freaking UPS label to be emailed to me. I called again today to see what the H is up with that. The guy now told me that there is a 24-48 hour wait for the work order ticket to get approved which just basically tells the moneybag people that the tech did everything possible and the Bugg is still non-functioning. He informed me that it was approved today. NOW there is another 24-36 hour wait for the UPS label email to get generated. I’m sorry, but that is total bullshit. When you pay that much money for a product, I expect it to work & if it doesn’t, I expect that they make it right darn near immediately. By the time this crap is said and done, I will have lost 2 complete weeks of using the Bodybugg. Why can’t they just send a new one out and if I don’t send the other back within 10 days of receiving my label, they can just charge the credit card for another Bodybugg unit. Is that so hard? I’m soooo not about delayed gratification and this is grating on my last nerve.

Eeeks, as I just wrote that last sentence, I’m thinking that might be a major contributing factor as to why I’m never successful with my weight loss efforts. I expect everything in the NOW. When I don’t see immediate results from my efforts and sacrifices, I have always given up. I’m going to have to explore that idea some more. I bet if I flip through my 12 step workbook for Overeaters Anonymous it’s addressed in there somewhere. Oh, so much work to do on this body and mind.

First 3 days of Bodybugg use

2009-06-29T22:57:00.005-04:00

Here's the 1st 3 days of using the Bodybugg before it broke on Saturday. I can't wait to get the replacement because it really helps me stay on track & remain accountable to myself.

Dead bugg

2009-06-29T15:06:00.002-04:00

After spending 1.5 hours on the phone with a bodybugg techie, it was indeed determined that I got a bum bodybugg device. They will be sending out a new one and extending my service another 60days for free. That's a good payoff for my inconvenience I suppose, but I really wanted to be using the bugg.
So this weekend was a complete bust when it came to exercising. I went to TN to visit my guy. I had fully intended on walking at the area state park hoping there would be shade in the "forest". Yeah well, I got back in my car at 3pm on Saturday. The temp gauge in my car said it was 105. Holy shit, it was hot. I was just thankful not to have been wearing shorts on the leather seats. It was too hot to be outside. I don't want to even think what the heat index was.
Friday evening was about the same although not quite as hot...just upper 90s. No walk for me that night either. I did pre-plan my food and took grilled chicken I cooked the night before as well as lots of veggies, yogurt, water, & fruit. I think I did fairly well with my intake while gone.

I'd like to say that I lost lots just by sweating my ass off while I was gone, but sadly as I look behind me, I can still see MY big 'ol behind. I do notice my jeans fitting a bit more loosely so that's cool.
Anyway, I'm back in Ohio where the temp is only in the 80s. I'm off to do something active & fun with my son.

Bodybugg

2009-06-27T19:03:00.004-04:00

I've been using my Bodybugg for 4 solid days now. I love what it does for me. I feel more in control of every morsel that I put in my mouth or even that I THINK of eating. It definitely helps me resist temptations because I see it immediately how it's going to show up on my results for the day.
HOWEVER, I think I was sent a defective BB. Today I put it back on after my shower and the display on the watch thingy said that it needed synced and also set up. I already set it up 4 days ago so what the H? I pressed the button on the BB to get it to sync....no luck.
I didn't wear it for a few hours today & when I got back to the hotel to download whatever info was in there for the day, it wouldn't download the info---some error and call tech support which is only available M-F. This totally sucks ass.
I hope this isn't a common problem with the BB. I will be sorely disappointed. Let it just be a fluke.
Wednesday I was wearing it during my workout on the elliptical. The BB and the calories burned listed on the elliptical were only about 50 calories different. I was impressed that the elliptical was that accurate. I think ones said ~425 and the other 475.
So for now, I'm sad my BB isn't working. Hopefully they can overnight me a new one on Monday.

Good things today

2009-06-24T13:51:00.005-04:00

June 24, 2009

It's been such a good day so far. Besides the fact that I'm super tired from only sleeping 4 hours, it's been a good start for the day. I went to another OA meeting...mostly older women, but as usual, very good topics and useful information. I'm glad to have the structure and the avenue to address the emotional & psychological piece of overeating & food obsession.
It was reiterated about the concept of "One Day at a Time" or "Just for Today"....I will not eat compulsively or I WILL exercise x number of minutes. The concept is so simple, yet I often made my life harder than it really needs to be. Just for today I will take good care of my body!

Another good thing...I lost another pound making my total 9 now.
My bodybugg is up & running. I'm totally digging it! I love that it takes the brain work out of all the food calculations & exercise "guesstimates" of caloric expenditures. After wearing it since yesterday around 7pm, I do have to agree with others who have mentioned the arm fat pinching. Mine isn't so much that the band pinches my fat, but it's irritating my "bat wing". I'll just take that as a constant reminder to do arm exercises.

While I was at the OA meeting, I got a voicemail about interviewing for this casual position with the state. One of my friends that I used to work with is also doing this same job; she says it's a candy-ass job, but even those few hours a month will count towards my state retirement so I'm super stoked about getting that call.

And lastly, I tried that Green Monster Shake today...yum! It would have been better had I had the time to let it chill, but I was on my way out the door to that meeting so I drank it as is. It was good...looks weird, but I didn't taste the spinach at all. I'll be trying that again and mixing it up a bit; perhaps I'll try some strawberries in it next time.

BodyBugg

2009-06-23T15:55:00.002-04:00

June 23, 2009

My BodyBugg is finally here. It was supposed to arrive yesterday, but it didn't. I've just taken it out of the box. So excited to get started with it!! Woo Hoo
I just tried on the elastic band. I see what someone meant when they posted about the band pinching their arm fat. That's really not a good look so I supposed I better chop, chop on the bicep & tricep weight lifting. It looks like "bra overhang" for the arm....ewww.

A waste of make-up

2009-06-17T21:48:00.000-04:00

June 17, 2009

This has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with dieting, but I thought I would share it because it’s just jacked up. I have a good friend in the Pittsburgh area who is using Match.com to try to meet some great guy. She has been talking for a few days with a guy, having some laughs, & whatnot. He invited her to dinner tonight & they went to a rib place. They meet at the restaurant. The waitress came to get their drink order and he orders water; my friend ordered a soda.
She ordered ribs for dinner. When the waitress turned to him for his order, he said, “I’m not eating”. My friend was about to say “ WTF?” But she held her tongue. He said he might order dessert. He informed her that he’s got a severe allergy to MSG and can’t/doesn’t take the risk of eating at restaurants. Hello dumbass! Why would you ask her out to dinner then? And if you do indeed have an anaphylactic reaction to MSG, why don’t you just carry an epi-pen and live your life like a normal person?
She didn’t know what to say. Her dinner came. The conversation was just so-so. The real kicker for her was when he decided he couldn’t even drink the water there and pulled out a bottle of water from his back pocket. That was it for her. She paid her bill and left. Officially her worst date ever. Just goes to show that even thin girls have dating woes. It isn’t just bad for the big girls.

Please feel free to share your dating horror stories.

I’ve often thought of writing a book about my shitty dating life. Perhaps I will just make a blog about it.

Progress

2009-06-17T17:41:00.001-04:00

June 17, 2009

I think the C25K is finally starting to kick it into gear for me. I’ve been losing & gaining the same 3-4 lbs since starting at the end of April. Today I’m down 6 lbs. I’m excited to finally be seeing some results. I needed that today because I’m not at the point where I’m loving the running thing yet, but I want to get there & not seeing any progress wasn’t a motivator to continue. Now I’m compelled to keep going.
Yesterday I got a call from my mom. I don’t even recall what her main reason for calling was, but it ended up being an expensive call for her. Before the call was over, we were both online checking out the Bodybugg & she offered to buy me one. Hellz yeah!!! I won’t turn down that offer. She’s so not computer savvy and for once it actually paid off. Instead of going to the Bodybugg site, she ended up on 24hour fitness’s site. Turns out that they’re having a special on the Bodybugg; instead of being $298 for the whole deal as on the BB site, they are offering it for $239. The sale ends at the end of June if anyone is considering getting one & wants a better deal.
I’m so anxious to get started with it. In the past, I’ve used calorie-count.com to track my food intake. I like that this is going to be all-in-one. I’ve decided that I’m going to do a modified carb-restricted food plan. About 5 years (and 35 pounds) ago, I worked out with a woman who had me on a plan of 80g carbs/day. It really seemed to work for me. At first I struggle with breakfast because I hate eggs and ended up eating chicken or salad for breakfast which wasn’t working so well for me. I ended up losing 20 pounds and 30.5 inches in only 6 weeks. This time I think I will do a range from 80-100 and modify as needed from that starting point. I want to find something that will feel doable for the long haul (for life) and not feel like a diet that I just have to suffer through for some end result.
Tonight I’ve got a meeting from 8-9 & then I’m heading to the high school to do another day of the C25K on the track. I actually made a little progress on that as well. On Monday I used my mom’s treadmill to do my walk/run. I walked at 3mph and ran at 4.5mph. The previous time I used the treadmill I walked at 3, but ran at 4.3mph. It’s a small increase, but an increase nevertheless. I’ll take it. To a fit person, 4.5 is probably still doing my Charlie Brown shuffle, but we all have to start somewhere.

Emotional Journey

2009-06-14T20:11:00.003-04:00

June 14, 2009

Yesterday I missed my OA meeting. I worked Friday night and our unit was full so we were really busy. A few of the babies cried all night long and that just grates on the nerves after a while. When I got home, I went straight to bed with the intention of getting up 2 hours later to go to the meeting. But when 10am came and that alarm went off, I just couldn’t do it. I reset the alarm and went back to sleep until 3pm. I got ready for work and then went over to my parents’ house to work out before I headed in for another 12-hour shift. I did day 2 of the C25K. I did much better this time…even on the treadmill. I found a better running speed than the first time I tried it on the treadmill. I was so glad that the 2 days of rest eased my shin pain. This time I concentrated on actually picking my feet up during the running intervals. When I did day 1 on the track, I felt like I was shuffle-running like Charlie Brown. I know I couldn’t have possibly improved THAT much after just one walk/run, but I felt I did. By the end of the session, I felt really pumped and excited for the next workout. I know they recommend a day of rest between workouts, but I want to run again today.

The thing I’m struggling with most is my food. It’s not that I even eat all that badly, but I could do LOTS better. I really want to go back to my 80g of carbs/day like I used to do. That really seemed to work for me. I was able to lose weight and that carb level seems to take away my cravings. Why is it that I know this about my eating issues, but I’m still too darn lazy to implement it right now? I need to get my thinking right. Although I’m willing to do the exercise, the food planning, shopping, preparing, weighing, & the recording seem to be my downfall. I feel like by having to do all this food stuff makes me obsessed with food. I’m constantly thinking about food and that’s not the way I want it to be.
I’m hoping the food issue will be another benefit of going to OA. I want to learn how to address the concept that food is a fact of life without having to obsess about it. I would love to eventually be at a comfort level where healthy food choices just come naturally without wishing I was eating fatty foods and foods that aren’t nutrient dense. I’ve got lots of work to do before I get to that level.
Last night at work, I was talking to a few other girls who are also struggling with their weight. I told them about working Step 1 of the OA Step workbook and how emotional it had been. As I started talking about it, I started to well up with tears again. Before starting on my journey this time, I never realized just how much my weight affected me. I’ve been stuffing my feelings, but I have no idea why or how I even got into the habit of overeating.
I know that my low self-esteem was learned from my mom. She’s always been obsessed with her weight. She was constantly dieting and trying every weight loss gimmick on the market. She had success on phen/fen, but has since gained it all back & probably a bit more.

When I was 10 she began giving me Dexatrim diet pills. I don’t know if I told her that I wanted to lose weight or if she just thought I should lose weight. I wasn’t fat then, but I was chunky. Then in high school I was about the same size as my mom. We shared some clothes and would go shopping together. When I got to college and gained weight, we stopped shopping together. The last time I recall clothes shopping with my mom was somewhere around 1998. I lost enough weight to get into a size 16 which meant I could shop at a regular store instead of a fat chick store. Now that I’m bigger again….no shopping. We don’t hang out much anymore. I am dreading getting to the step where I have to admit all my character flaws and defects. Am I withdrawing from being social with her or are my feelings of not being good enough justified? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. For many years now, I’ve felt like I’ve been an embarrassment to her because of my weight. In the back of my mind, I’ve often wondered how she would react if I got to my goal weight. I think subconsciously I’ve been afraid to lose weight and find out if she’ll want to hang out and shop again. That would hurt.
I’ve already dealt with that rejection in the dating world. I always wanted to find a guy who could just like/love me for who I am at this very moment. Don’t dislike me because I’m not skinny or don’t like me because you’re a chubby chaser and I’m the kind of fat girl you like. Just like me for me. I finally found that with Brent. Fat girls aren’t his preference, but he likes the kind of person I am and I just happen to come in a large package (for now). He loves me now and he’ll still love me smaller or bigger than I am right now. That does give me a sense of peace & security. Plus he’s more than willing to assist & support me any way he can to help me reach my goals. I can’t freaking wait until he moves back to Ohio. I need his support on a daily basis. His cooking is fabulous; mine is good, but I don’t enjoy cooking like he does. He’s my rock.

I’ve rambled long enough. I’m off to do W1D3.

Couch to 5K test

2009-06-10T09:36:00.004-04:00

June 10, 2009

Last night I stopped over at my parent's house. After visiting with them, I decided to try day 1 of the C25K using their treadmill and a podcast I found for the program. I'm disappointed to say that I didn't complete the whole workout so I'm going to try it again today. I did a little over half. I'm not sure if I will do better outside when I can walk and run at my own pace instead of how fast the treadmill is set for me to run, but seriously...kudos to those completing this C25K challenge.
I'm not giving up though. I think it just might take me a bit longer to build up. I might do week 1 for 2 weeks. I believe there is a big difference between working out on a machine and actually having your body propel itself. I'm going to try it again on the track at the high school and see if I do any better.

Scale obsession

2009-06-08T18:10:00.004-04:00

June 8, 2009

I'm bummed on 2 levels today. First off, there was no 9 pound total loss which is what I thought the other day. Damn scale; I do need to get something more reliable. How can it fluctuate so much?! That totally yanks my chain. Today I weighed myself again & it's only a 2 pound total loss (sad face).
Yesterday my son & I went to the school and walked a mile on the track. We totally intended on doing more, but it was so flippin' hot out there we felt like our feet were on fire. We also brought our bikes with us so we biked 4.5 miles too. Now I'm left wondering why as a child the bicycle seat never hurt my "girl parts", but it does now. Holy cow!! But overall it was a good ride. We saved a poor little squirrel from being flattened, but not from death. He'd already been hit by a car, but was just stunned & seizing in the road on his way to death. I couldn't bear the thought of his little body being squished so we pulled him to the side of the road so he could go to Heaven in peace & one piece. (biggest sad face) I thought for sure there would be a pound lost or something, but noooo. That would be asking too much today.
I will keep working at it though. This fat can't hold on forever. Saturday I went to my second OA meeting. Good stuff. I think this just might be the key I've been missing from my weight loss plan. I've done all the questions for Step 1. I'm not sure if I have to wait now and get a sponsor before I move on or what, but I'm learning a lot about myself and perhaps beginning to see why I've allowed myself to get to this size. Excited to see what the future holds.

Scales

2009-06-05T18:08:00.002-04:00

I think I need a new scales. I weighed myself today and I think I've lost 9 pounds however there are sometimes segments missing out of the digits on my digital scale. I guess if the drop into the 250's soon I'll know it was correct. I think it said 263 today. I'm happy about that.
I started walking on the track at the high school. It's definitely easier on the body than walking on concrete. My goal is to be jogging/running in 2 months. I'm feeling pretty good today.

Using my time productively

2009-06-02T23:07:00.001-04:00

June 2, 2009
One of my big stresses of life right now is money. Last year I took a job that pays nearly $4/hr less than what I was making, the insurance is crappy which creates medical bills which I didn’t have at my other job, Brent is away so I’m back to a one income household for the time being, and the last kick in the teeth was my ex-husband moving out of state which means no more child support until he decides to get a job; he seems to be in no hurry to get that done.
Soooo that brings me to my job---due to some cuts and changes made in the health system, my department is starting to feel the heat. I think they (hospital administrators) are secretly working behind the scene to eliminate my department and send the patients to other hospitals to deliver their babies. Most of our patients are Medicaid patients and the hospital decided to stop taking the insurance that the OB/GYN doctors who come to our hospital take. We take the opposite Medicaid insurance than what the doctors take. Does that make any kind of sense? NO!! Every week we watch our census dwindle. Last week I was on call for 12 hours of my 36 hour work week which means I have to waste vacation time just to have a paycheck. Tonight I got put on call again for 8 hours this time. I don’t have any more vacation time to use as coverage for the missing hours. I’m just screwed for the time being. I can’t dwell on it; it makes me so anxious and gets my stomach in knots.
Over the weekend I was thinking of strategies for improving my life. In addition to what I’m doing for my physical health, I also need to work on my financial health as well. I decided that anytime I get put on call and lose work hours, I have to spend at least half of the lost hours doing something productive. I make jewelry, but haven’t done it in such a LONG time. I could be making jewelry pieces and selling them online. Will I make as much as I would at work? Probably not, but something is better than nothing, plus its fun. I can blog more and God knows I can exercise more. Plus I have lots of little projects around the house that I want to get done, but never seem to find the time. I need to make a master list and just start getting busy on completing them.
I got the call from work around 730pm telling me that I would be on call. I finished watching the TV program I was watching and then changed clothes. I put workout clothes on and headed over to the high school. I walked the track for a while. I only did 1 mile since it was getting close to dark. After the mile, I ran the bleachers a couple of times. That freaked me out a bit because they were wet from the rain & I thought I was going to slip and bust by butt. Plus my legs just aren’t conditioned for that kind of torture yet. I’ll need to build up to that too.
I feel good that I got out there and did something when I really wanted to be lazy. Could it be??? I might actually be learning to be a healthy person.

OA Meeting

2009-05-30T16:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” day for me. I’m going through such a rough time in my life—not just with my weight, but life in general. I won’t bore you with all the details because I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the life I have because I’m not, but just once I’d like to catch a break. I’d like ONE thing to go right the first time around without some big hassle or setback.
Early in the evening I had to take my son to a sleep-over retreat & meeting for his upcoming church youth mission trip. On the way there, we were discussing how his art grade when from a B to an F in the week before school is to end. I asked about this paper he was to have turned in this week; it was worth 150 points. He told me that he thought it was extra credit. OMG, I think my head exploded for a moment. I totally lost it and don’t recall several minutes of driving. Anger and driving aren’t a good mix!
On the way home, I got behind every slow driver and seemed like I just got boxed in by every slow poke the road. I think I missed the memo about yesterday being the “Drive 10 under the speed limit Day”. By the time I got home, I was so beyond frustrated. I was just so pissed about everything that happened that day & just threw all my good judgment out the window. My friend and I went to the store and bought all bad food---soda, pizza, ice cream, chips, & booze. We ate some of it all. It wasn’t as bad for her as she’s not fat, but it was such a horrible move on my part; not only that, but it was late in the evening. Double whammy!
Today when I woke up I felt all this guilt for making such bad food choices. I decided today was the day that I would get the guts to try an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. I got there a bit early & sat in my car waiting for others to get there. If it was too small of a group, I may have chickened out. However, it ended up being 7 women. I wasn’t AS nervous as when I went to my first Al-anon meeting, but still the unknown is a bit nerve-wracking. I will definitely go again. Before leaving, I bought the OA book and workbook that helps work through the 12-Steps.
After the meeting I went to the park and worked on Step 1. It’s been quite an emotional journey already with just the questions I did answer. I think I did a little over half of them. I have hope that this program with be really helpful to me. Al-anon has been very eye-opening & useful in helping me deal with my fiancé’s alcoholism so I have hope for this program as well. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to struggle alone & there are others that I can turn to for help. It’s really easy to isolate yourself when you’re fat.
I’ve watched a lot of those shows about the fattest man, teen, & woman etc. It seems unbelievable that someone would allow themselves to get to that size, but honestly, I never thought I would be this fat. How did I let this happen to myself? I feel as though I was average one day and just woke up fat the next, but I know that isn’t really the case. None of us are that different from the people who weight 600 or 800 pounds. We all make bad food choices, eat portions that are way too big, don’t move our bodies enough, or just don’t have control of our eating in general.
I am praying for successful recovery from my food addictions. My fiancé has been sober for about 420 days. If he can kick his addiction, I can kick mine. We’ll work as a team along with our support meetings. Does anyone have any experience with OA? What’s worked for you and what hasn’t?

My trip to TN

2009-05-22T08:33:00.001-04:00

Good morning all,
It’s been a while since I’ve written; although, not for lack of thinking about it. Things have just been busy. I just got back from visiting my fiancé in TN. I had every intention of getting down there early enough on Friday that I could spend a couple hours hiking/walking at the area’s state park. What is it they say? The path to hell is paved with good intentions. I was cruising along enjoying the sunshine with my windows and sunroof open & music cranked. So I get about 35 miles from my destination when I smell this horrid stench. I turned the music down to listen for something (not sure what I thought I would hear) and then started to slow down. At this point there was only one other driver even remotely close to me. As I applied the brakes, the car pretty much just went where ever it wanted. WTF is what I was thinking. I didn’t feel the tire blow or anything, but that’s exactly what it was. Actually it wasn’t a tire blowout, the entire inside portion of the tired just shredded away. Crazy!!! I managed to get the car to the shoulder of the highway without running into the guard rail.
I text my friend whom I had just been talking to on the phone. Just our luck we thought. Nothing is ever easy in our world & why should this trip be any exception to that rule. I unloaded all my crap from the trunk and got the spare tire out. Just then a truck pulled over and 2 nice guys offered to help put the donut on. They had been traveling for 2 days, but ironically the younger guy said he was from the next town up & said I could get a tire at Wally World. Within 15 minutes, I was on my way with them following behind to make sure I made it to Walmart safely. Many hours later and $150 “broker”, I was on the road again. As you might imagine, I totally lost my motivation and gumption to go hike at the park. I was hot & sweaty from sitting outside while the tire was being replaced. I just wanted some ice water & some cold air conditioning in my hotel room. That’s pretty much what I did too.
I must say though, I did eat fairly well while I was on my trip. On the way there, I munched on apple slices. I only ate fast food one time in the entire 6 days I was gone. That’s pretty good for me.
So anyway, now that I’m home, I need to kick it into high gear & get my butt back on track.

Shopping and exercise

2009-05-05T22:59:00.001-04:00

I don’t know why, but I’m sitting here watching “The Biggest Loser” and crying. The contestants are home from the ranch for a month and struggling to stay on track. They all look so fabulous. I want that success so badly I can hardly stand it. They are running a marathon on tonight’s episode. OMG, I want to be able to do that; I don’t even like running, but I want that. In my mind, that is an impossible goal for me & if I can do that, I can do anything. We all struggle every day to eat the right foods and get our bodies moving. Why is it so hard?!! Food addiction is like no other addiction. No one needs drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. If those addicted to those substances decide to quit, they can stop cold turkey or however they choose to do it. We can’t stop eating. That isn’t a choice. There is no “all-or-nothing” option with food. I think that’s the thing that sucks the most with the struggles with food. I need to learn to change my mind set. I need to learn moderation; I don’t need to eat like every meal is my last. I guess there are things I can give up & be okay never eating them again. Soda is one of those things. I’d rather do without than drink diet & quite honestly, the carbonation & caramel coloring makes my stomach hurt, but for years I’ve drank it anyway. Why would I do that knowing how crappy it makes me feel? That high fructose corn syrup tastes damn good
Today I went grocery shopping and bought foods mostly from the outer perimeter of the stores. I just got a few things like cereal bread, & crystal light from the aisles. I was really happy with my food choices and I was even starving when I went. I bought a ton of fruit to make a nice fruit salad. Got stuff to make a variety of salads too. The sweet treats I got were sugar- free jello with cool whip, reduced-carb ice cream bars, and sugar-free popsicles. Making menus really helped me make the right choices instead of aimlessly walking through the store picking up items that just look good.
I don’t even feel like this body is mine. Or perhaps I wish it wasn’t mine. I think even more foreign than this obese body will be a skinny body. It’s been 20 years since I’ve been less than 200 pounds except for a short period of time where I was about 185-190. I cannot even begin to imagine the excitement I will feel when my clothing choices aren’t limited to Lane Bryant and Macy’s. I forget what it’s like to go into any store of my choice and pick up my size and have it fit. I hate that one or two stores define my style. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t want to wear a lot of the trendy styles they’re trying to say look good on fat people. They don’t! Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should be wearing it. Just give me a normal pair of pants that fit without my crack showing when I bend over. My other fashion complaint especially with Lane Bryant is the mass amount of shirts with no sleeves. Are you freaking kidding me? I don’t know a single fat person who is comfortable having their bat wings flapping in the wind. I can tell ya, this fat chick isn’t digging it.
The other thing I noticed today was how much more difficult it is to propel your own body weight by walking than it is the hop on a machine and walk or do the elliptical. I went to a park with a 1-mile level track. My shins were burning after that mile. I had no intention of only walking once around. Guess I’ll be building up to doing more. At least it was 30 minutes off the couch.

Products I endorse

2009-04-30T13:40:00.004-04:00

I haven't had a Fiber One product that I haven't liked yet. I absolutely love this cereal. I think the yogurt is good too, but it isn't my favorite yet just due to the limited flavor choices.
For a breakfast treat on-the-go, the Fiber One pop tarts are yum. I've tried every flavor--all of them are good.
The Fiber One bars are tasty too. Oddly enough, the peanut butter ones are my favorite. I'm not even a big fan of peanut butter flavored things, but these are awesome. I actually pick this flavor over the chocolate which says a lot because I can be a chocoholic.

Here's the bread/bun thing I mentioned in an earlier blog. They're very good too.

Prioritize me

2009-04-30T13:12:00.006-04:00

Today I have my long "To Do" list. In the past, I would have put exercise on there & would never have gotten around to it. Today was a different story. I have to be honest & admit that exercise didn't come in at slot #1 though. Today was trash day so I did gather all the trash and take it to the curb before the trash men came. But THEN, I took my butt downstairs and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. Oh actually, my original plan was to do 10 minutes of jump roping and only 20 on the elliptical. However, after a very short minute or two, I realized that I just don't have what it takes to be a jump-roper anymore. I'm not quite sure if it's a fat/size issue, flexibility, coordination, or something else, but seriously...I was just pitiful. We won't seeing that jump rope again for a very long time. And I had such high hopes of double-dutching again some day. I'm crushed.

After cardio, I did about 30 minutes of lower body weights. Again, I didn't go all out balls-to-the-wall type workout because I do want to be able to walk this weekend at work. I'm going to have a hard enough time getting through the 16 hour shift on Saturday to worry about being able to walk.
I can definitely feel the arm workout from 2 days ago. It's a good discomfort. Let's me know I'm alive.

For anyone shopping around for an elliptical trainer, I highly recommend the Precor brand. They are quite pricey, but I think they're worth the money. I used this kind many years ago when I used to belong to Bally's gym. After I gave up my gym membership, I decided to buy the home version. I've had mine for about 10 years now and still love it. Mine isn't this exact model; since I've had it so long, it isn't featured, but they are very sturdy and have a bunch of different workout course options.

Total Frustration

2009-04-29T22:38:00.005-04:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with my whole lifestyle change or fitness; I just want to vent. Perhaps my frustration would have driven me to eat 2 weeks ago before I started this, but tonight I actually feel like working out & punching the crap out of the punching bag.
I just got off the phone with my son. He frustrates the living crap right out of me with his COMPLETE lack of concern for school, his future, or anything else that doesn't pertain to his girlfriend. I want to tear my hair out. My house is in a school district that sucks so 2 years ago, I went to court and signed over school-year guardianship to my parents so he could go to school in a better district. Has it helped? NO, no, no.
He has a whopping 23% in math and he has D's & F's in all his core subjects. How the hell do you get a 23% in a class; you can pretty much get that by just showing up. OMG!!! Why does he not care? Is it a boy thing? He's verbally making all these long-term plans with his girlfriend about how she is going to go to college in PA and when (if) he graduates from high school (plans on doing auto tech courses), he'll move to PA with her and they'll live happily ever after. Seriously kid?! By the time he makes up these failed classes, she will be 2 years ahead of him even though they're both 16. Does he honestly think that college boys aren't going to hit on here or that she'll not get sick of waiting on his slack ass? I wish I could drill a hole in his head to make sure there really is something in there. He just had an MRI and his neurosurgeon tells me there's brain matter in there, but I'm not believing it; I'm guessing it's all rotten and atrophied from lack of use.
I have no idea what to do with that kid. How do you make someone care? I think I just have to let go & let God as they say. I can only change myself. I can't change my son & the harder I try, the more pissed off we both become. I think what I'm most angry about is the fact that he turned out just like his father even though he hasn't spent more than 3 days with him in the past 11 years. How does that happen? Damn genetics and DNA!!! For every reason I divorced his dad, I see the same traits in him. It scares the life right out of me. I can't make him understand just how much I love him and want what's best for him. I'm sure in his eyes I'm just bitching to aggravate his life & cause him grief.
I'm going to get off my soapbox for now. Just my note of advice for all you single women out there. Be very careful about who you accept genetic deposits from. Today's loverboy could be tomorrow's deadbeat ex.

Anyhooo, back to my lifestyle efforts:

My triceps and hips are definitely feeling last night's workout. I am happy to report that I was able to lift the toothbrush enough to get my teeth brushed....just as planned. I was pleased with my food selections today too. I tried this new bread product; I think it's by Brownberry. They are round like buns, but flat like pita. They're only 100 calories and the ones I got are 100% whole wheat. They made quite the yummy sandwich with mustard, spinach, cheese, and turkey breast.
I need to drink more water today. I've been drinking iced tea like it's the last day of tea bag production. For dinner I went out to eat with a friend. We went to Old Bag of Nails which is known for it's near-authentic fish n chips. Man, did I want to order those, but I refrained. I got the chop salad with grilled chicken and peppercorn vinegarette. I'm not usually a fan of the vinegarette dressing, but this was quite tasty. It reminds me of a dressing my mom makes from scratch that has onions and cucumbers in it.
After dinner, we took a little walk before going to my Al-anon meeting. I always feel better after going to my meetings. Brings me back to some level of sanity & God knows I need that!

Lifting Weights

2009-04-29T04:09:00.002-04:00

Last right around midnight, I decided to lift weights. Why that late? I have no idea. I guess because I work night shift & I was up anyway (and still am at 4am).
I've lifted weights off and on since high school, mostly off as you might have guessed or else I wouldn't look like this. I do enjoy that feeling that comes with lifting. It gives me a little high each time I can lift a little more weight or do one more rep than I did the time before. Last night I worked on upper body. Since it was my first time lifting in quite a long time, I didn't go all out trying to bust a gut or anything. I used weights that were slightly challenging at the end of the set, but certainly I could have lifted heavier weight or done more reps. I didn't want to wake up today with my arms so sore that I couldn't lift my toothbrush though. I'm just going to ease back into the groove of things.
After lifting, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. I did the heart course since that what I feel I need to build up first. I need some stamina! I even broke a little sweat. I thought that was cool because I don't usually sweat very much. After years of a sedentary life, even my sweat glands are too lazy to produce sweat. Ha ha!.
Right before I started writing this post, I weighed myself. I'm now at 269; that's 3 pounds total since last week when I started. I'll take that for now.

Slow progress

2009-04-28T19:24:00.004-04:00

I weighed myself early this morning. I'm down one pound. I guess I should be a tiny bit happy about that since it's not a +1. I have to admit that I was hoping for more though. Aren't we all?! Those "experts" who are trying to soothe our misery say that it takes time; "you didn't get fat overnight", they say. I swear I DID. One day 130, the next 180, and pretty soon I was over 200. Eeks. I suppose I should cut myself a little slack; I am my own worst critic and too hard on myself. I don't judge other fat people harshly like I do myself. I need to work on being a good friend to myself.
I struggle with acceptance. It's hard for me to admit that I do, in fact, look as fat as I do. I used to tell myself that I was still strong underneath the fat. I don't even pretend to think that now. I do think that my body can endure more than my heart & lungs right now. That's where I notice my weakness the most. I feel like I'm always breathing more heavily than I used to doing similar tasks. I think that's when I get most pissed off with myself; I've let myself down.
I don't want to accept myself as the fat girl & have that be alright. I acknowledge that I am fat, but it's not okay. I'm definitely not living my best life at this size. This is a prime example. Sunday I had RSVP'ed to go to a former co-worker's bridal shower. I bought the gift and had every intention of going, but after talking to another nurse at work who was also invited, I decided not to go. I told her that I was nervous about going because I didn't want to be the fattest girl there. She told me that she wasn't going for that very reason. I totally let my size stand in the way of doing fun things. The bride is only 23 and super, I mean, super skinny (turn to the side and disappear skinny) and I've seen pictures of her friends on FaceBook. They're all thin and cute. I didn't feel like I'd fit in as the fat, nearly 40 year old. So...I opted not to go.

The nanny, that my brother's family had, went to go to Overeater's Anonymous meetings. I have it on my list of things to do, but haven't mustered the courage to go yet. ( I think because so many of them are held at food eateries--seriously....is it me or is that just kinda jacked up? They don't hold AA meetings in a bar.) She's been successful in her weight loss goals by going there. Perhaps I will try it Thursday evening. I currently go to Al-anon because my fiancee' is an alcoholic; I had found a tremendous amount of support and healing by going to the meetings. I'm hoping and praying that OA will be just as useful. I'll keep you posted on that one.
Now I must go work out. One pound is not enough!

Getting back to exercising

2009-04-27T20:00:00.002-04:00

Friday I dragged my son to the park to play tennis with me. Although it was fun, I was super self-conscious the entire time. I recently went through my closet and removed all the clothes that are too tight right now. Needless to say, that didn't leave much of a selection. I hadn't done laundry so the pants I wanted to wear, weren't clean. I ended up wearing a pair of light gray gym pants that really weren't suitable for public display. Every dimple in my butt and all the cottage cheese bumps on my thighs showed through the pants. It was embarrassing, but at least I got out there and am working towards my goals.
I'm really looking forward to getting back into a weight-lifting routine. That's what makes me feel awesome. I love that I can see my progress as I'm able to lift more weight or do more reps. My other fitness goal is to build up to running. Right now my fiance' is living out-of-state. I would love to be able to surprise him by being able to run with him when he moves back with me. He would be blown away and I would feel accomplished. If those people on the Biggest Loser show can run and they're bigger than I am, I should be able to build up to that too.
Is there anyone out there who began running as a big person? Any tips to get started? Your plan?

Day 2; I'm on my way

2009-04-18T16:04:00.001-04:00

I didn't make it back to blog yesterday, however I did work out. It was a beautiful sunny day here so I walked at the park. I didn't walk as long as I would have liked, but I had to pick up my son's girlfriend. I was actually very disappointed and embarrassed at just how out of shape I really am. I think it's easy to be in denial about our health sometimes. I guess that's where I am/was until yesterday. Although I wasn't walking on a level surface, I was really feeling it....just walking. It had rained here the previous couple days so the ground was really saturated. We walked on an unpaved trail that was soggy, wet & uneven, but that really wasn't an excuse for my level of exertion.
I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm 59. I weighed myself today. I'm the absolute biggest I've ever been; 272 at a mere 5'2". There is no excuse for the way I've let myself go. I'm a nurse; I'm supposed to be a role model for my patients. I'm so far from being a role model right now. By the time I hit 40, I want to be much closer to my goal. I'd like to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 pounds as my final goal weight. I can't actually pinpoint a target weight because as an adult, I've never been thin or even average. I can't even imagine what I'd look like that small.
At 19 years old, I think I weighed 180. But then I met the man I would marry two years later. We ate meals out all the time. We didn't eat anything healthy; it was pizza, Chi Chi's, and fast food. I packed on the pounds quickly; by the time we married, I was 210 lbs. After we divorced, I did manage to get down to 190 and a size 16. That didn't last though. Over the next 14 years, I've been up and down, but mostly up. My weight stabilized around 235 until 2006 when I went on an anti-depressant and gained the rest of this weight. Talking about depressing!!

I have chosen this point in time to start this journey because I believe I've hit rock bottom. I hate the way I feel. In the past, I wanted to do it because I hated the way I look. I still hate the way I look, but now I'm really starting to feel the burden that this weight is placing on my body. When I bend over to tie my shoes, I feel like I'm being smothered. I'm not sure if my fat gut is pushing my internal organs up into my diaphragm or what, but bending over leaves me breathless and not in a good way. Walking a short distance like from the parking lot into the hospital leaves me panting like a dog on a hot day. I'm too young to feel this crappy. I can't go on this way.
I was recently at my in-laws-to-be and was downstairs in my pajamas. Apparently when I raised my arm above my head, my father-in-law could see my big gut. In a not-too-kind voice he said, "Cover your stomach". Wow, I just grossed out my father-in-law. Granted, the man has little tact to begin with, but it really cut me like a knife. My future in-laws are both very thin and very body conscious. I'm uncomfortable around them in that regard. I always wonder what they're thinking about me. It's embarrassing to me because my father-in-law is in his upper 60's and still jogs/runs. I struggle to walk without getting out of breath. I'm ready to change all of that.

The start of my journey

2009-04-16T23:14:00.000-04:00

Although my blog is called Melanie's Monday, ironically I'm starting it on a Thursday. I don't want to wait for another Monday to come...and go and not start my diet again. I decided to create a blog to write about my weight issues & the journey of weight loss which I'm starting now. It seems tomorrow never comes for me; I make some excuse as to why I can't start my "diet" or get my butt off the couch. No more excuses!
My goal for this blog is to find other people who are on their weight loss/fitness journey and offer support for one another. I know that I need the support to be successful. I need people who understand my struggles, triumphs, disappoints, & goals. Hopefully along the way, I will be able to inspire others to reach their goals as well. Many years ago I promised myself that I would never pay someone else to make me lose this weight ever again. I have stood firm to my word on that point, but not the one about getting into action to lose all this weight.
I have the knowledge required to assemble a healthy eating plan for myself as well as plenty of gym equipment in my basement; all I have to do now is actually USE it. What a novel concept! Why have I waited this long to get back on track? If I had not let myself get this fat and out of shape, perhaps I could have literally kicked my own butt. That's currently out of the question so I'm counting on all of you to be my virtual butt-kickers for now.

Let the journey begin.

Tomorrow I will post a little background about myself and the dreaded starting weight. Ugh! I hate being the fat girl.
It's approaching the midnight hour so I will close for tonight & get some rest so I will be ready to work out in the morning.

Wish me luck & success as I do for you. Looking forward to hearing your comments.

Melanie