The mental struggle

February 22, 2010

So I obviously didn't do a great job at writing on my blog every few days as I intended. I'm struggling mentally and I don't know why. I'm so pissed at myself right now and I don't feel good physically. Without a doubt, it's 100% related to me not working out like I was. I've exercise a few times and there, but essentially you can say that I'm not working out right now. My food is sketchy at best.

Sometime in October something changed. I don't know what or why it happened, but I stopped working so hard like I had been. Part of me thinks that I'm afraid to reach my goals, not just my weight loss goals, but life goals in general. I feel like I'm "white knuckling" it through life at the moment. Why do I put up hurdles and block myself from the things that I really want in life?

I wish I knew. Lots of people have real reasons for using fat as their defense mechanism...being molested as a child, feeling abandoned, or whatever else. I don't think I have a legitimate reason other than I love food. That's just lame. When I eat bad food, why does my mind act like that's my last opportunity in life to ever eat that food again? I don't tell myself that...or at least I don't think I do.

Something is keeping me from my goals and I need to figure out why. It's driving me crazy. Why did I stop working my program? My program stopped working for me because I stopped working my program. That's the plain & simple fact. I haven't been to an OA meetings in eons. My C25K plan is somewhere in the ditch. I'm surely need to start over from week one or two now. Boo hiss.

I'm going to work on getting my head screwed on straight again & get back to work. I NEED to do this for myself if it's the last thing I do.
2 Responses
  1. Katie J Says:

    I hope you find your mojo again Melanie! You were doing so well and you can do it again - I know it. You need to make yourself a priority again. Hang in there lady!!

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