Crap eating

July 27, 2009

So after fighting my pizza crazing for a night, I broke down and ate pizza. Not once, but 3 times. I'm so beyond pissed at myself. Saturday I weighed and was excited that I was now down 14 pounds; so what did I do? Succumbed to peer pressure at work when they wanted to order pizza. Instead of eating my soup and fruit that I brought, I ordered pizza too. In my mind, I justified eating all those calories because I had only eaten about 400 calories that day.
After eating all that pizza, my gut hurt, I was lethargic and struggled to stay awake for the rest of my shift. It was horrible. After eating better for several months, I can definitely tell how much better I feel. It's actually more evident when I don't stay on my food plan. I feel sick! I feel guilty. I feel tired. I'm not digging this feeling at all. Back to better eating. I miss the good feelings of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself.
I have managed to get in some exercise most every day, but I need to really reorganize my thoughts and get myself back on the straight and narrow TODAY. This can NOT wait until tomorrow.

The other thing I'm totally ticked about is the water challenge with Jen. Seriously...water is about the only thing I ever drank anyway. I would have iced tea if I went out to eat and sometimes make it at home. But I'm not a coffee drinker and haven't had soda since starting my program. So what happened? I tell myself I can't have something and then I want it. WTF is wrong with me? It is such a self-sabotaging move on my part. I was fine with water only before I told myself I couldn't have other beverages. Now I've consumed other drinks because I got in my head that I was being deprived. This just freakin chaps my hide!! Now I'm out of the water challenge. Maybe I'll "punish" myself in August and will only drink water for the entire month just so I know I can do it.

Why o why

....does life have to be so darn complicated? My credit card company just called and apparently my card bought somebody dinner in JAPAN!! and a cash advance in New Jersey for $5.00. Guess they were just testing the waters with that one.

Back online & out of the 60s

Hello all,

I FINALLY have my computer back; I had no idea what a computer addict I was until I was 8 days without a computer. Ugh, very painful. My computer is a virgin again after having a complete restore. I'm a bit sad to have lost some great websites that I had bookmarked and some other stuff I really wanted, but I couldn't justify paying an extra $100 for the backup. Guess if it's THAT important I'll find it again.
I can't upload my bodybugg info because this computer comes with IE8 and BB requires IE 6 or 7. Every download for IE 7 I've found says it's not compatible with this Vista version. I've been very frustrated since Wednesday.
Wednesday was my fiance's court hearing for his cases. It lasted about 60 seconds and I could only hear about every 3rd word. I left without hearing what his bond was. Again, more frustration. I picked my computer up on the way home, went home to try to look up his bond info online only to discover that my product info for my anti-virus had been saved in an email folder guessed it, it gone. Grrrr!!! I was able to do the 60 day free trial again, but I will have to rebuy the freaking thing again.
I've just felt overwhelmed this entire week. Monday I went to a different OA meeting since I knew I wouldn't make it to the Wednesday meeting. I'm glad I went. I've been really bad this week about planning my meals. I don't have anything in the house that's not on my plan, but it's making my life more difficult to have been so busy not to plan. I feel a huge internal chaos and I hate it.
Monday morning I went out (in the dark) and did the C25K run/walk. This was the first time I had tried it on the street. I feel really invigorated because I can tell that I'm building up some endurance from where I was. That's totally cool. Can't wait to build up even more.
Monday night I stayed up until 5am and cleaned up my office. I haven't filed in AGES. Holy crap, I shredded two trash bags full of papers. It's not quite done yet, but at least you can get in the room and see that there's actually a desk and chair in there.
I worked Tues & Wed. So after the crappy results of court, I had to face a night of work. From a meeting he had with a pretrial court woman, we were given the impression that he would be getting out on a recognizance bond which would be great because we're broke and don't have money laying around for bond. His parents aren't in a position to pay either. That day was a complete letdown; no one who was recommended for a recognizance bond got it. B's bond was $3700 and I feel horrible that I can't pay it, is what it is. I would rather him stay in until his sentencing. It would break my heart to have him home for 6 months and then have him get sentenced to time and have to be ripped from my life again. We're praying he gets alternative sentencing and is able to get a program called Drug Court where he can get help for his alcoholism. We'll see what happens. At least he's back in the same city and I don't have to make 8 hr trips to TN to visit.
My only real good news of the week is that I'm out of the 260's. WoooHoooo!!! I weighed two days in a row just to be sure. 259 baby, 259! I was surprised because I haven't exercised as much as I want and need to this week. I'll bust ass today and tomorrow.
Last night was a struggle for me. I wanted pizza so badly, but I knew if I went to the store and bought a pizza I would eat the whole damn thing. I had it all planned out in my head too. I obsessed about it until I finally forced myself to go to bed. I'm feeling more in control today, but pizza sure does sound good still.

Can't wait to catch up on all the blogging I missed last week and this week. Hope everyone is doing well.

Jen's Challenge

July 15, 2009

Jen over at Jen@PriorFatGirl is having a "drink water only" challenge for the next 2 weeks & she's having a giveaway so check her out.

Because I'm obsessive the way I am, I weigh myself every day. My weigh-in yesterday was in the evening so I thought I would hop on the scale in the AM and see if it made a difference. It did!! I'm at an even 260 which makes it 12 pounds lost. That makes me feel much better because I feel like I've been kicking this fat's ass and it still refuses to leave. Maybe it's finally starting to get the message.

There will be no Bodybugg updates until I get my computer hiss. I'll have to be extra strict with my food intake just to be on the safe side.

Mini-goal reached

I weighed myself tonite after my shower...I finally reached the 10lb mark. Seemed like it took forever & a day.
My computer has something wrong with it. Everything is missing from my Start Menu. That's no good. I'm trying to update this blog from my phone. We'll see if it works. Someone please let me know.
Hopefully I'll have my computer back by Friday.
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Marvelous Monday

July 13, 09

There's my work for the day. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical. Once again, I had no intention of staying up all night, but I did. I took my son to & from school and then had my interview at 2pm. Another good interview. I'm going to go back in the next 2 weeks for a second interview/observation day to see how I like it. It's totally small compared to the other hospital I came from. Ohio State has 26 ORs and this place only has 3 & 1 procedure room. As a small hospital, they can't pay even as well as the hospital I'm at now so I definitely can't do it as my main job, but I'd consider it as a PT job to get my bills paid off. The compute is also double what I drive now so that's another factor...40+ minutes in the winter; I don't know. Anyhooo, I am supposed to talk to the OR manager at my current hospital at the end of the week. Lots of options on the table now. I might just try to throw Ohio State back in the mix just for the hell of it. Those state benefits sure were nice.

I posted a picture I took tonight after working out. I was really sad to see just how fat I had become. Five years ago I started training with the mother of one of my son's friends. She's in her 40s and is built like a brick shit house as they say--tanned, toned, & muscular. I bought that belt then. I think I weighed about 225 then. As you can see, it's about 4-6 inches short of going around my big ol gut. I'm going to use that as one measure of progress. The other day I took some pictures of myself in clothes that just aren't so cute on me anymore. I'm going to post those soon too.

Have a great night everybody. I'm taking an Advil PM and closing my little peepers now.

Dairy Queen is the Devil

July 12/13 2009

I worked Saturday night and ate breakfast/dinner around 2 or 3AM. I went home & went straight to bed without eating because I knew I was meeting my friend for dinner tonigh (Sunday). I needed to hear about her trip to Dallas-- same friend who had the bad date with the wacky dude who brought his own water. So I saved all my calories for this great meal. And it was GREAT. I had a very yummy garlic steak, baked potato, & steamed broccoli, water, & iced tea.
On the way home we decided to stop at DQ. OMG was that a bad idea. Had I looked at the nutrition information BEFORE we stopped, I wouldn't have gotten anything. We both got small cookie dough blizzards. SEVEN HUNDRED and 10 freaking calories. I looked all that info up while putting my food into the BB program. When I saw my results for the day, I quickly changed clothes and ran downstairs and hopped on the elliptical until midnight. I exceeded my caloric burn and food calorie consumption, but didn't reach my calorie deficit goal....all because of that damned blizzard.
No more blizzards or DQ for me. :o(
But, being healthy and in shape will feel better than that ice creams tastes.

Thursday's sloth results

Thursday I didn't really reach any of my goals as I was in bed most of the day. See the flat line of my "lazy assness"? I was able to work out around 730 or 8pm after the Aleve kicked in and took most of my neck pain away.

Friday's work

So once again I stayed up all night Thursday. I did manage to keep myself awake until noon. I did the elliptical for 45 minutes, but no weights today.

Thursday I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes of upper body weights, and then 20 more minutes on the elliptical. Today I can feel the soreness in my tiny triceps, but that's a good thing.
I showed the girls at work the Bodybugg. They were all surprised how small it was. They thought it was much bigger from pictures they'd seen. I said it only looked small on me because my arms are so huge, huge on others because they're arms aren't the size of legs. Fat, fat go away!!!

Calorie Count

July 9, 2009

I'm not at all happy with my day. Last night I made a list of things I wanted/needed to get done today. Guess how many are done. Two. I took my kid to school & I picked him up. End of story. A couple of nights (days for me since I'm a night shift girl)ago, I slept wrong on my side and now today the pain is even more excruciating. I can not lift my left arm past shoulder height and I've got pain that radiates from my neck down into my left arm and down midway to my thoracic spine. When I finally got out of bed...again, the pain literally brought me to tears. If I don't keep my head in a neutral position, the pain is intense. This totally does not fit into my plans for the day.
Now it's nearly 6pm. I've wasted the whole fucking day & I'm pissed. It was not my intention to sleep the day away in pain. Tomorrow and Saturday night I have to work so it will be another few days before anything else gets done in the house. Grrrr!!

I've taken some Aleve and I'm waiting for it to kick in. Perhaps if I can manage to do the elliptical for 30-40 minutes, it will warm my neck muscles up enough that I can do some stretches and work out the kink. I know I won't be able to function at work if I'm in this shape tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been reading some of the posts from today. It seems like quite a few of us are in a funk about this weight loss journey especially regarding food choices. A couple of things hit home with me regarding that. When I decided to start on this journey again, it wasn't necessarily that I thought I would have an easy time. I'm not that delusional. However, I did think that maybe 20 pounds might fall off rather quickly though because if you think of the amount of calories we consume when we ARE watching what we eat, I wonder how many calories we ate when we weren't paying attention.
I know there are times when I get on a soda kick. I drink Dr Pepper like it's the last day of production and I have to drink all I can before it stops being available.
I was on one of those kicks before I started in April. It was really hard to stop drinking it. The carbonation & caramel coloring give me a fierce stomach ache since having my gallbladder removed. But did that ever stop me from drinking it? Hell no. Throw some bad food in with it and I'd be in the bathroom in no time flat, but it never stopped me. I'd just keep taking more Immodium.
During my last trip down to TN, I logged all my food into the Bodybugg. I didn't eat anything that wasn't healthy on this particular day. My calories were like 2050. And that was eating 3 HEALTHY meals. I can not even begin to imagine what I was consuming when I was eating mindlessly day after day. It's no wonder my ass looks like cottage cheese with the great divide down the middle, my legs have more ripples than a babbling brook, & my arms...ugh, I have stretch marks from my armpits to elbow. That's just disgusting. I don't have to wonder why I'm fat; I know!!

But that brings me to my other thought. If I was consuming, let's say 3500 Kcal just for shits & giggles, and now I'm only eating 1900, why isn't the weight coming off quickly especially since I had the couchectomy to get the couch removed from my ass. I haven't been working out EVERY day, but I'm certainly doing lots more than I was 2 months ago. It's like my body is secretly working against me. Damn her! I know I'm getting stronger, but seriously I need to see more results. This is just frustrating beyond belief.

So I've sat here long enough that the Aleve is working a bit. I can crane my neck forward a couple of inches. I'm going to head to the basement to attempt my workout while the gettin' is good.

For those of you who are struggling right now, remember that you ARE worth the effort and we all deserve to be healthy, fit, & happy. Keep doing the next right thing and eventually we will see the results we're working so hard to achieve.

Great day

Today turned out to be a great day!! My interview was awesome. The lady was super nice. She said I should hear something fairly soon although I won't hold my breath as it's a state job. I'm expecting a snail's pace on that.
On the way home from the interview, I stopped at Kohl's to find a pair of shoes that my son wanted. Yeah, they had his size. DSW didn't; they had about 6 pairs of size 8. What man wears a size 8 shoes? Apparently not many or there wouldn't have been so many.

About 5 minutes after I got home, the UPS man showed up with my new Bodybugg. WooHooo. It came a day before projected. I hope it's done charging before I leave for my happy hour.

Then I was home about an hour and I got a phone call to interview at a hospital that is 40 minutes away. That will be a bitch of a drive especially in the winter, but I'll see what they have to say and what kind of money they'll willing to dish out.
I still have the interview at the end of next week. Now I should call Ohio State, see if I can interview Wednesday, and if I can get my old job back just to round out the interviewing/job choices.

God is GOOD.

I wore a pair of dress casual Dockers to the interview and actually wore a belt with them. That's a first I've worn a belt in quite a while. The pants fit better now than when I bought them. I was feeling good about that so I decided to try on my size 20 jeans. I can get them on now AND zipped, but they aren't fit for public viewing yet. It was camel toe city and they make my butt look flat. Ten or 15 more pounds and they might be ok.

Holding steady

July 8, 2009

Not much to report as of late. I'm holding steady with the 9lbs lost even despite the arrival of my "girl time" this week. I managed to get my butt to bed at a halfway decent hour last night. I went to bed at 1, but it was 230 last time I looked at the clock. I was tired. I'm not sure why it took me so long to fall asleep. I hate that!

Today I got my son off to summer school & then headed over to my parents' to use their treadmill. I've just been using my elliptical as of late. Thought I would mix it up a bit. I did a few intervals of running at 5mph which is up from my 4.3 shuffle. I tried 6mph but that just kicked my ass & only lasted about 5 seconds....literally. I'm not there yet.

Now I'm home and have a gazillion things to get done. I've got an interview at 2pm for an employee health nurse position with the state. It's just a contingent position, but I'll take whatever bit of extra money I can get. Hate, hate, hate being broke. Next week I've got another interview for a part time position in the operating room at the same hospital where I currently work. I need to find out if the hospital will let me work two separate positions there. I miss working in the OR.
I currently work with high risk OB patients, and postpartum moms and their new babies. It was fun at first, but not challenging at all. And seriously if I have to check out one more edematous perineum or help get one more baby onto the boob I might just scream. Calgon...take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

My replacement bodybugg should be here tomorrow. As I suspected, it will be a full 2 weeks lost from using it. I've done quite well sticking to my plan though. Last week Friday-Sunday I didn't work out though. I just find it very difficult to muster the energy to work out even 20 minutes when working 3 12 hour night shifts in a row. I have yet to figure out why working 12hr nights is different than working 12hr days. I never came home and went straight to bed when I was on days. Nowadays if I can keep my eyes open on the drive home, I'm doing great.

Tonight it's salmon for dinner. Yum yum! Then I'm off to a little happy hour/going away party for a co-worker. I'm limiting myself to 1 drink & staying for only 2 hours. I might succumb to peer pressure if I stay longer than that or have more drinks.

Mind games

July 2, 2009

This morning I’ve spent some time reading other weight loss blogs. One thing that struck me was the mind games we play on ourselves while on this journey to become the better “us”. It’s kind of like a mental ass-kicking and not in a good way. Not in a way that serves the purpose to motivate or bring about positive change.
I noticed that in the blogs where the person lists their weekly weigh-ins, it will say “only lost a pound” or whatever that number is that week. We minimize the progress like one pound doesn’t count for anything. On the flip side of the coin, when they report a weight gain of a pound or 2, they report it like it’s this massive gain—like some bolder just rolled off a mountain top and crushed every ounce of progress they’ve made. Why do we do that to ourselves? A pound is a pound. We have to take the good with the bad. I’m not saying that I’m not guilty of this very same thing because I totally am. I think it goes along with my all-or-nothing mentality that I’ve practiced for so long.
I’m trying to reprogram my thinking because one pound may not seem like anything in the grand scheme of trying to lose 100+ pounds, but I have to start somewhere. I’ll take the one pound. Eventually those one pounds will make 10 and eventually 100. I want that immediate result of looking cute & feeling great NOW, but I know I won’t get it at the exact moment I want it. That is what’s going to be so rewarding when I finally reach my goal…knowing that I worked for every single pound that I’ve lost.
I read a quote on a blog that said:

You don’t have to be great to start, but to be great, you have to start.

I don’t recall who posted that, if it was his/her own words or a quote from someone else, but seriously…WOW. That is so true. Thank you to whoever posted that and to whoever wrote it.
I hold myself to some standard that I would never hold anyone else to; I’ve not been a good friend to myself. One thing for me that is different this time is the fact that I’m not losing weight for some upcoming event. I’m not trying to squeeze into a smaller dress for some party or to look half decent on some vacation. Although…I do have a gorgeous wedding dress that wouldn’t fit me if I were getting married tomorrow. Thank God for no wedding date. Anyway, back on subject, I do have an ideal time line in which I want to lose all this weight, but it’s not a do or die if I don’t make it by that date. I’m going to be 40 on my next birthday; I think that would be a ridiculously fabulous gift to give myself. I may not lose all 140 by then, but any progress in that direction is better than where I am at this very moment. And that, I will take.

New shoes

July 1, 2009

Wow, July already. Unbelievable! That just goes to show how quickly time flies and more importantly that the future will come regardless of whether I’m doing something to improve my life or not. I’ve been on the trek for 2 months already and I feel like I’ve made little progress compared to changes I’ve accomplished in the past ---and let slip away. I’m staying focused though & eating what I need to eat, & moving my butt of f the couch.

Yesterday while my son was mowing the grass for the neighbor, I ran up to Marshall’s to check out the shoe situation as I’ve had my current running shoes for 2 years which is the last time I attempted this running “thing”. I normally wear a 6.5, but couldn’t find any decent shoes in my size. I did find a 7.5 which I almost bought. They were a tad big, but I thought for the price I would suck it up. With shoes in hand, I walked over to the kids section. I found a pair of Asics Gels for $25. Cha ching! There are only 2 small things about me---my feet and my wallet so this totally worked out well for me on both accounts. I think they’re pretty good looking too which is only a small factor since I only plan to wear these for working out; I really don’t care about the looks of them at this point.

When he was done mowing, my son & I played some tennis. The weather was great at 75 degrees, but it was a little bit windy for tennis. After that we went to the park for a walk on the nature trail. We didn’t do the long trail because I was breaking in the new shoes. I was afraid I’d be a mile into the walk and have blisters or something and have a torturous walk back to the car. My feet were a little sore, but no blisters.

For dinner I made small steaks, baked potatoes, and spinach salad. The spinach salad was gross, but I ate most of it anyway. I was trying to recreate this warm spinach salad I had at a restaurant in Chicago many years back. I wasn’t successful, not even by a long shot. I’ll keep working at it. I did eat a small dish of cherry vanilla ice cream too; I needed something to wash that gross salad taste out of my mouth.

I stayed up until 5am which isn’t necessarily a bad thing as I need to get back on my night shift routine for work, but I got the munchies after midnight. I ate 2 pieces of rye toast with butter. Not the best move in the middle of the night, but it is what it is.

So I’m a bit irritated today as I’m STILL waiting on the freaking UPS label to be emailed to me. I called again today to see what the H is up with that. The guy now told me that there is a 24-48 hour wait for the work order ticket to get approved which just basically tells the moneybag people that the tech did everything possible and the Bugg is still non-functioning. He informed me that it was approved today. NOW there is another 24-36 hour wait for the UPS label email to get generated. I’m sorry, but that is total bullshit. When you pay that much money for a product, I expect it to work & if it doesn’t, I expect that they make it right darn near immediately. By the time this crap is said and done, I will have lost 2 complete weeks of using the Bodybugg. Why can’t they just send a new one out and if I don’t send the other back within 10 days of receiving my label, they can just charge the credit card for another Bodybugg unit. Is that so hard? I’m soooo not about delayed gratification and this is grating on my last nerve.

Eeeks, as I just wrote that last sentence, I’m thinking that might be a major contributing factor as to why I’m never successful with my weight loss efforts. I expect everything in the NOW. When I don’t see immediate results from my efforts and sacrifices, I have always given up. I’m going to have to explore that idea some more. I bet if I flip through my 12 step workbook for Overeaters Anonymous it’s addressed in there somewhere. Oh, so much work to do on this body and mind.