OA Meeting

Yesterday was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” day for me. I’m going through such a rough time in my life—not just with my weight, but life in general. I won’t bore you with all the details because I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the life I have because I’m not, but just once I’d like to catch a break. I’d like ONE thing to go right the first time around without some big hassle or setback.
Early in the evening I had to take my son to a sleep-over retreat & meeting for his upcoming church youth mission trip. On the way there, we were discussing how his art grade when from a B to an F in the week before school is to end. I asked about this paper he was to have turned in this week; it was worth 150 points. He told me that he thought it was extra credit. OMG, I think my head exploded for a moment. I totally lost it and don’t recall several minutes of driving. Anger and driving aren’t a good mix!
On the way home, I got behind every slow driver and seemed like I just got boxed in by every slow poke the road. I think I missed the memo about yesterday being the “Drive 10 under the speed limit Day”. By the time I got home, I was so beyond frustrated. I was just so pissed about everything that happened that day & just threw all my good judgment out the window. My friend and I went to the store and bought all bad food---soda, pizza, ice cream, chips, & booze. We ate some of it all. It wasn’t as bad for her as she’s not fat, but it was such a horrible move on my part; not only that, but it was late in the evening. Double whammy!
Today when I woke up I felt all this guilt for making such bad food choices. I decided today was the day that I would get the guts to try an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. I got there a bit early & sat in my car waiting for others to get there. If it was too small of a group, I may have chickened out. However, it ended up being 7 women. I wasn’t AS nervous as when I went to my first Al-anon meeting, but still the unknown is a bit nerve-wracking. I will definitely go again. Before leaving, I bought the OA book and workbook that helps work through the 12-Steps.
After the meeting I went to the park and worked on Step 1. It’s been quite an emotional journey already with just the questions I did answer. I think I did a little over half of them. I have hope that this program with be really helpful to me. Al-anon has been very eye-opening & useful in helping me deal with my fiancé’s alcoholism so I have hope for this program as well. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to struggle alone & there are others that I can turn to for help. It’s really easy to isolate yourself when you’re fat.
I’ve watched a lot of those shows about the fattest man, teen, & woman etc. It seems unbelievable that someone would allow themselves to get to that size, but honestly, I never thought I would be this fat. How did I let this happen to myself? I feel as though I was average one day and just woke up fat the next, but I know that isn’t really the case. None of us are that different from the people who weight 600 or 800 pounds. We all make bad food choices, eat portions that are way too big, don’t move our bodies enough, or just don’t have control of our eating in general.
I am praying for successful recovery from my food addictions. My fiancé has been sober for about 420 days. If he can kick his addiction, I can kick mine. We’ll work as a team along with our support meetings. Does anyone have any experience with OA? What’s worked for you and what hasn’t?

My trip to TN

Good morning all,
It’s been a while since I’ve written; although, not for lack of thinking about it. Things have just been busy. I just got back from visiting my fiancé in TN. I had every intention of getting down there early enough on Friday that I could spend a couple hours hiking/walking at the area’s state park. What is it they say? The path to hell is paved with good intentions. I was cruising along enjoying the sunshine with my windows and sunroof open & music cranked. So I get about 35 miles from my destination when I smell this horrid stench. I turned the music down to listen for something (not sure what I thought I would hear) and then started to slow down. At this point there was only one other driver even remotely close to me. As I applied the brakes, the car pretty much just went where ever it wanted. WTF is what I was thinking. I didn’t feel the tire blow or anything, but that’s exactly what it was. Actually it wasn’t a tire blowout, the entire inside portion of the tired just shredded away. Crazy!!! I managed to get the car to the shoulder of the highway without running into the guard rail.
I text my friend whom I had just been talking to on the phone. Just our luck we thought. Nothing is ever easy in our world & why should this trip be any exception to that rule. I unloaded all my crap from the trunk and got the spare tire out. Just then a truck pulled over and 2 nice guys offered to help put the donut on. They had been traveling for 2 days, but ironically the younger guy said he was from the next town up & said I could get a tire at Wally World. Within 15 minutes, I was on my way with them following behind to make sure I made it to Walmart safely. Many hours later and $150 “broker”, I was on the road again. As you might imagine, I totally lost my motivation and gumption to go hike at the park. I was hot & sweaty from sitting outside while the tire was being replaced. I just wanted some ice water & some cold air conditioning in my hotel room. That’s pretty much what I did too.
I must say though, I did eat fairly well while I was on my trip. On the way there, I munched on apple slices. I only ate fast food one time in the entire 6 days I was gone. That’s pretty good for me.
So anyway, now that I’m home, I need to kick it into high gear & get my butt back on track.

Shopping and exercise

I don’t know why, but I’m sitting here watching “The Biggest Loser” and crying. The contestants are home from the ranch for a month and struggling to stay on track. They all look so fabulous. I want that success so badly I can hardly stand it. They are running a marathon on tonight’s episode. OMG, I want to be able to do that; I don’t even like running, but I want that. In my mind, that is an impossible goal for me & if I can do that, I can do anything. We all struggle every day to eat the right foods and get our bodies moving. Why is it so hard?!! Food addiction is like no other addiction. No one needs drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. If those addicted to those substances decide to quit, they can stop cold turkey or however they choose to do it. We can’t stop eating. That isn’t a choice. There is no “all-or-nothing” option with food. I think that’s the thing that sucks the most with the struggles with food. I need to learn to change my mind set. I need to learn moderation; I don’t need to eat like every meal is my last. I guess there are things I can give up & be okay never eating them again. Soda is one of those things. I’d rather do without than drink diet & quite honestly, the carbonation & caramel coloring makes my stomach hurt, but for years I’ve drank it anyway. Why would I do that knowing how crappy it makes me feel? That high fructose corn syrup tastes damn good
Today I went grocery shopping and bought foods mostly from the outer perimeter of the stores. I just got a few things like cereal bread, & crystal light from the aisles. I was really happy with my food choices and I was even starving when I went. I bought a ton of fruit to make a nice fruit salad. Got stuff to make a variety of salads too. The sweet treats I got were sugar- free jello with cool whip, reduced-carb ice cream bars, and sugar-free popsicles. Making menus really helped me make the right choices instead of aimlessly walking through the store picking up items that just look good.
I don’t even feel like this body is mine. Or perhaps I wish it wasn’t mine. I think even more foreign than this obese body will be a skinny body. It’s been 20 years since I’ve been less than 200 pounds except for a short period of time where I was about 185-190. I cannot even begin to imagine the excitement I will feel when my clothing choices aren’t limited to Lane Bryant and Macy’s. I forget what it’s like to go into any store of my choice and pick up my size and have it fit. I hate that one or two stores define my style. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t want to wear a lot of the trendy styles they’re trying to say look good on fat people. They don’t! Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should be wearing it. Just give me a normal pair of pants that fit without my crack showing when I bend over. My other fashion complaint especially with Lane Bryant is the mass amount of shirts with no sleeves. Are you freaking kidding me? I don’t know a single fat person who is comfortable having their bat wings flapping in the wind. I can tell ya, this fat chick isn’t digging it.
The other thing I noticed today was how much more difficult it is to propel your own body weight by walking than it is the hop on a machine and walk or do the elliptical. I went to a park with a 1-mile level track. My shins were burning after that mile. I had no intention of only walking once around. Guess I’ll be building up to doing more. At least it was 30 minutes off the couch.