August 30, 2009

Today is my weigh-in day and I've officially surpassed the 20 pound mark...finally. My first Bodybugg mini-goal was to get to 240 by Sept 27th. I now have 11.4 pounds until I reach that goal. I'm confident that I can reach that by then especially now that I've broken my mental barrier of the C25K. My last 3 walk/runs have been fabulous. I can't believe I'm actually starting to LIKE running. What the H is going on with me? The old me would have never said that. I'm completely pumped.
September 27th is my dad's 60th birthday. My brother will be here from Seattle. He hasn't seen me for a year. I was close to my heaviest then. I'm excited to see him and my little nieces. Here's a picture of how fat I was then at the baby's Baptism. How in the world did I let myself get so out of control?

That was then & this is now. I'm changing for the better.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Just a blah week

August 28, 2009

I saw this cartoon and thought it was cute since I think that EVERY time I go to the doctor's office.

So this week, I did the C25K run Monday and Tuesday. I was successful both days and can't wait to run again tomorrow night. I hate working 3 nights in a row. I just can't get the exercise in on at least one of those days. These 3 days have been very trying for all of us at work with one particular patient (crazy woman). Why does it seem like all the crazy people who refuse to take their psych meds get C-sections so they're with us longer? Ugh!

I'm on my "womanly time" so my weight shows 3 pounds up. I'm not really holding much truth to that as my actual weight so I'm just hanging out til next week and see what happens when it's over. The scales does show an overall 3.5% fat loss. That's cool. More people at work at starting to really notice and I think I'm looking less lumpy under my clothes. I like that.

Wish I could stay and chat & read all the blogs today, but my poor ass needs to get ready for work...the last of my 3 in a row. This will go on for the next month because I was a bonehead and thought for sure I was getting that OR job. So I scheduled myself 3 days in a row at the end of every week on this entire schedule which doesn't end until the end of September. Didn't get the job so now I'm stuck working at least part of every weekend. Super move Mel. Just brilliant!!


August 25, 2009

It's 115am & I just got home from the high school track. I did it, I did it, I did it....finally. Last Monday I did W2D1 of C25K and I couldn't finish all the running intervals. The rest of last week I never made it back to the track, but did practice the intervals on my elliptical. I don't count those days as actually doing the C25K because I don't know how many strides-per-minute equal walking vs running etc.

Tonight I ran every single second of every running interval. OMG, I feel so accomplished. I am actually making progress & it shows. I'm loving it.

Monday I wore a pair of jeans that I realized I can remove without undoing the button or unzipping them. Does anyone want a free pair of jeans? They're from Lane Bryant. If you're familiar with their updated sizing with the number and color system, the jeans are size 5/blue/short. That's equivalent to a size 22 petite; I think they'd be an appropriate length for someone up to 5'4". They're a dark wash color. Send me a message if you want them.

Below is my Bodybugg calorie burn for the C25K walk/run I just completed. That's an insane calorie burn. Sixteen calories/per minute for some of those minutes. Holy crap!

Small gain


Yesterday was my weigh-in day. I gained 0.2 pounds. I'm not freaking out about it though because the fat percentage has gone down. Looks like I might actually be gaining a little muscle.
I've finally gotten into a workout groove and worked out 5 days last week. I'm pleased with that although was goal is to do all 7 days. I do have to figure scheduling hurdles.
I'm feeling blah today. It's 2pm. I haven't worked out yet today, but am getting ready to do that, eat some lunch, & then take my son to Magic Mountain to play a few rounds of putt putt golf. He goes back to school Thursday. We're hoping to enjoy our last few days of summer together. He's grown & matured a lot this summer; I'm proud of him.

Enjoy the day.

Orange & Fennel Roasted Cod

I entered the cookbook contest that Jen-Prior Fat Girl is having again. I mentioned on her blog that I would post my favorite recipe from my fav cookbook so here it is.

Here's the picture from the cookbook of the finished product. The other picture is of fennel. I never knew what fennel even was until I made this recipe. I doubt I had even noticed this in the produce section until I went to look for it.

This recipe makes 4 servings.

2 fennel bulbs with fronds (greenery on top) about 1 lb each
1 Tbsp cooking oil
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
1/4 c fresh orange juice
1 tsp grated orange zest
1/4 tsp fennel seeds
2 lbs cod fillets cut into 4 pieces

1. Heat oven to 450. Cut off tops of fennel bulbs and chop the leafy fronds. Cut each bulb into 8 wedges. In a large roasting pan, toss the fennel wedges with the oil & 1/4 tsp each of salt and pepper. Spread the fennel in an even layer and roast for 25 minutes. Stir the fennel and rotate the pan so the vegetables cook evenly. Roast 15 minutes longer.

2. Meanwhile, in a glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the orange juice, orange zest, fennel seeds, and the remaining 3/4 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper. Add the cod and marinate while the fennel roasts.

3. Remove the pan from the oven and top the fennel with the cod and its marinade. Roast until the cod is just done, just 10 minutes for 3/4-inch thick fillets. Sprinkle the chopped fennel fronds over the cod.

Note: Can substitute cod with any other white-fleshed relatively thick fillets. Suggestions are haddock, sea bass, or orange roughy.

Super-yummy salad

Here's a salad I ate yesterday for lunch. I enjoyed it so much I ate another similar one for dinner. The salad has spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, blueberries, chow mein noodles, & light berry balsamic dressing. For dinner I added strawberries, mixed greens and omitted the chow mein noodles.
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Thank you Katie J

...for the Lovely Blog Award

I follow lots of great blogs so it's hard to choose just 15. A special THANK YOU to Katie J for all her kind comments and support.

Here are the ones I nominate this time around:

1. Losing Waist--I love all the brutal honesty that you write about & share with us.
2. Confessions of a +Sized Girl--Monica, you need a little pick-me-up
3. Less of Lisa---Lisa,you'll get through this rough spot.
4. Escape from Obesity
5. Fat Girl Dives In
6. Jenn Prior Fat Girl--you're always an inspiration
7. 282.5
8. Jack Sh*t--always good for a boost and a laugh
9. A Forty Something's Weight Loss Journey
10. 4oz
11. From Fat to Fab
12. Bigger Than My Body
13. Diamond Motivation
14. Thru Thick & Thin
15. Shrinky-Dinky

Thanks to everyone for all the comments. Your support means a lot to me.

Weak effort

August 19, 2009

I didn't work out yesterday and it shows. I almost made my calorie-burned goal, but the deficit was not good. I really need to get it out of my head that I will workout in the evening. That's bullshit. The other night I didn't go to the track either because the humidity was about 100%; the air just took my breath away when we stepped outside. I did, however, workout in my basement for a while...36 minutes actually putting my daily total to 66 minutes plus walking around the mall doing school shopping.

I'm not sure what I did yesterday morning that took precedence over working out but it did. And look, here I am again reading and writing blogs instead of taking my butt straight to the basement.

Ok, when I get done working out I want to make another post about that show "More to Love". I hate that show, but continue to watch it, It's like a train wreck. It's horrible, but I can't look away.

Sunday's weigh-in -2.6

August 17, 2009

I had my weigh-in yesterday. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. I'm happy about that. I always wish it were more, but I guess that is respectable. I don't know what people do to lose 5+ pounds a week. I worked out every day except Saturday. I busted ass all week & had good calorie deficits. Thursday I was up at 7am and didn't get a nap before work that night. By the time I got to bed Friday morning, I had been up over 25 hours, but then woke up after 5 hours sleep. Saturday morning it all caught up with me and I just couldn't get up early enough to work out before going in to work Saturday night.

I've already done my 45 minutes of workout today before I took my son school shopping, but I plan to go to the track and do another round of C25K tonight after dark.

Oh, I found a new pair of frames too. I like them so well that I'm getting regular glasses & sunglasses in the same frame. I can't wait to get my eye exam so I can get them.

Wednesday's stats

August 13, 2009

So I've had 7 days off work. Man I love working only 3 days a week. However, I wish I had just one more day off to finish up the basement. I got into the crawl space to clean, organize, & purge stuff I really can live without. What did I find? My dishwasher has been leaking for a while and got a large amount of our Christmas stuff wet. It's obviously been going on for a while because some of the boxes had black mold growing on them. Another "fuck me" situation. Hopefully this won't cost an arm & a leg to fix. I'm praying that my dad can fix it. Guess it's dishpan hands for me for a while. I can live with that.

Just got back from visiting the fiance' at the county. He looks good...getting scrawny as the food tastes like crap there, but oh well. Only 32 more days until his hearing. I pray he gets to come home then. I'm sick of doing it(life) all by myself. Nap time for me. I have to work at 7pm.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Cinder blocks on my ankles

August 12, 2009

Yesterday I spend the good majority of the day cleaning up & cleaning out my basement. What a job! My whole body is revolting against exercising today. I didn't get to bed last night until 1230 & woke up at 830. That means daylight which means I don't run in public. Today was W2D2 of the C25K. I really wanted to run on the track, but poor planning on my part left me to do it on the elliptical.
Once I hopped on it, it was all I could do to propel that darn thing forward. My legs are just pooped & I felt like I had cinder blocks tied to my ankles. The podcast I listen to for the C25K made mention of the parameters for doing it on the elliptical. I'll have to check that out as I'm sure I'm nowhere near where I should be.
I did the entire "walk/run" at an incline of 10, the walking segments at intensity level 6-9, and the running segments at 10-15. I was a total clock watcher today and hopped off the second I reached 30 minutes.
In addition to the C25K, today is also lower body weight lifting day for my Body for Life plan. I'm going to wait until tonight to do that. I'm just not ready for that yet at the moment.

I ate Quaker High fiber oatmeal and a piece of string cheese for breakfast, but I'm really feeling like I want to eat something else. What, I don't know. I just want to eat. Perhaps I should have gone to another OA meeting today.

I chickened out to write what I had planned to write about today. That whole topic makes me feel weak and shameful among other things. Maybe another day.

Kicked butt Tuesday

August 12, 2009

Here are my Bodybugg stats for the past 3 days. I'm dreading tomorrow because it's supposed to be lower body weights along with cardio. I'm sooo sore from Monday still.

Negative self-talk

August 11, 2009

I find it truly amazing how God puts before us the exact things we need to see, do, or hear at the moment we need that information. Yesterday I went to an OA meeting & realized that one of the members is a teacher I had in college…20 years ago and she recognized me. Yikes. I’d seen her at the meetings for about 5 weeks and just didn’t make the connection. She taught speech & I freaking hated every second of that class. At the beginning of each class, she made all the students stand up and repeat “I like it, I like it, I can do it”. I did it because I needed the grade, but I NEVER liked it. Public speaking invokes such fear in me that it makes me want to cry to do it.
I have no idea why this is the case. I talk a lot. My friends, family, & coworkers think I’m really funny & entertaining with the crap that flies out of my mouth, but to talk in a controlled setting, standing up in front of people….no way. Today as I was reading some blogs I realize something profound about myself. I have lived much of my life in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of never being happy, fear of not being a good parent or raising him in such a way that he, too, feels like shit about himself, fear of not being pretty enough or thin enough, smart enough, fear of not being PERFECT.

None of us are perfect and I would never expect my loved ones to be perfect so I don’t know why I expect it from myself, but I often do. I’ve declined or resisted invitations to go out into the world and try new things for fear of failure. What if I fall on my ass while learning to snow ski? Before even getting to the slopes I worried about not fitting into the snow pants my brother arranged for us to borrow. I have allowed my weight to keep me a prisoner from my own life. My insecurities run deep.

I’ll interject this funny, but weight related, story to break up the seriousness that this post turned into. In 2006 my fiancĂ© & I went to Aruba. We decided to try scuba diving. Neither of us had tried it. We get all our gear and embarrassingly enough, I had to have some huge ass life jacket and an extremely heavy weight belt that is used to balance your weight when you’re underwater. Fat floats people. Big boobs=built-in floatation devices. I need a REALLY heavy belt; after all, I am 50% fat. We were sitting at the front of the boat so we were the last to get in the water. Brent went before I did. I was the very last to go. As I’m holding the line, I stick my head under the water and see how far down everyone is. HOLY SHIT. What if I run out of air? What if my mask falls off, what if I lose my respirator? I start to panic….seriously. I told the instructor that I couldn’t do it & started to swim back to the boat. He told me no. I finally get to the bottom of the ocean; we were only 30 feet under. My heart is pounding. I look over and see Brent sitting on the ocean floor patiently waiting. He pointed to his oxygen gauge like he wasted all his air waiting on me..ha ha. The next step was to find that proper buoyancy level where you can stay under water. It’s a fine balancing act with how you breathe too. I didn’t realize that at first. The instructor is telling me to do this and that to see if I’m at the right buoyancy. Nope. He starts picking up rocks & shoving them in my life jacket. Another test….still not right. We do this for several rounds. Finally he looks at this humongous rock….like a boulder, but then finds some other rock. When we got back to shore Brent made mention of the guy looking at the boulder. He said he thought the guy was going to make me swim with that huge boulder the entire time. Jerk, shut up skinny-ass white boy! So that’s my scuba diving story. It was fearful but fun.

Back to my seriousness….

I noticed in every OA meeting I’ve been to that at least one person, if not several, have mentioned perfection. They can’t move on to the next step because they fear they haven’t done the current step “perfectly”. They've mentioned multiple things where they expect perfection. Do all fat people expect perfection from our/themselves and because we know that perfection isn’t realistic, we just throw our hands up and say “Screw it, I’m not doing any of it if I can’t do it right”? I know that I’ve had that thought many times…too many times to count.
Sean A made mention of this type of negative thinking in his blog recently, but I find it ironic that I read it today & not on the day he posted it. Negative self-talk definitely lives in my head & manifests itself in my life. I REALLY want to change that. I’m finding it difficult because situations happen that reinforce that message in my mind. Back in March I applied for a job at a local hospital for a position doing exactly what I did at my previous nursing job. I had 3 interviews that lasted a total of 6 hours. Honestly people, I thought I had the job in the bag. I miss working in surgery & was so excited about the prospect of getting back to doing those trauma cases & all the blood & guts. It’s just interesting & exciting and you get to see things you never imagine that you’ll ever see. People can really get themselves into some precarious situations (gee doc, I’m not sure how that beer bottle ended up in my rectum). Anywhoo, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I honestly believe it was because I’m fat. The manager who interviewed me made mention, not once, but twice, in the interview about the physical demands of the job. Really lady????!!!! I came from a level I trauma center & did that job WELL for over 7 years; I think I know the freaking demands of the job. So anyway, I’ll be adding that situation to my list of resentments when I get to that step in OA. That step will probably take me a year because I’ll be so swamped with listing all the resentments I have for myself.
My goal is to feel like I’m worth it…whatever “IT” is. I want others to see my worth regardless of what the scales might say. I want to be proud of myself; I just want to be happy.
My intention today was to write about something else, but look what came out. I will start writing my other topic tonight and post it for tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Interesting twist on motivation....

but I think I'll pass on this one. I found this on

Lose Weight, Money, And Self-Respect With!

As if trying to lose weight wasn’t demoralizing enough, a new website called also embarrasses you and takes your money if you fail to shed the pounds. The website’s motto is, “Lose weight or else.” Basically, when you sign up, you tell the site how much weight you want to lose and give yourself a deadline. Then you bet a bunch of money that you can do it. If you drop the weight, the money is yours. But, if you don’t drop the pounds, the dough goes to a person or group you hate—like an ex, an annoying coworker, or an evil organization. Apart from losing money, “Flaabers” can also concoct another awful punishment for themselves if they fail. One girl vowed she would publish her phone number on the site and beg people to call and harass her. Someone else swore if they didn’t lose 30 pounds they’d give up sex for a month.

So what do you think—is this a good way to give people motivation, or is this totally twisted? []
Posted by: Nikki Dowling 10:50AM, Thursday July 09th 2009 Filed in: News & Culture

Tags: weight loss,

New scale

August 9, 2009

So I finally had my coaching session with the Bodybugg coach. She suggested getting a scale that also measures body fat. She made mention that they aren't the most accurate way to measure however it was a cheap way to gauge progress when the scale isn't moving much. Makes sense. So I found one on clearance at Bed, Bath,& Beyond. I was surprised that the weight was as close to the digital scale I have in the basement. The new one says I'm 1.8 pounds heavier. I can live with that.
Turns out that I'm only 50% fat surprise there. I figured that being twice the size that I should be, all that excess weight must be fat. That was a Captain Obvious measurement, but at least it's a place to start.
I moved on to week 2 of the C25K program. I like the music selection a lot more than week 1. I tried it out on the treadmill. It didn't go so well. Monday morning I'm going to head to the track & try again.
The other thing I'm going to do is start the Body for Life training schedule. I've had some success in the past following that plan. I need some structure for my weight lifting workouts & I think that will help.

Belt progress picture

August 6, 2009

This was taken today. Looks like I'm making a little progress towards getting this belt back in use. The original picture to the left was taken 7/14

Feeling Good

Aug 3, 2009

Yesterday I weighed myself and hit the 15 pound mark. I don't count the weight loss as accurate until I see it on the scales 2 days in a row. Today was day 2. Woo Hooo!!
Also yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I haven't been able to wear for a long time. I couldn't even get them zipped 15 pounds ago.

That's all I've got for today so far. I'm off to the basement to work out and then heading to an OA meeting.

August already

August 1, 2009

Having my computer gone for over a week really threw a monkey wrench into my rhythm. Not that I blogged every day, but I felt like I had some schedule of sorts. I need to get back into a groove and start writing again.
Besides my pizza situation, I've actually managed to do fairly well. I must admit that the pizza cost me 2 pounds which I have since taken off again. Damn pizza. I've had some small victories this week.
These are the things I'm starting to notice about myself as of late:
1. At my heaviest, when I would sit down, I would feel like my fat gut pushed up into my boobs and then my boobs would feel as if they were up under my chin. I almost felt strangled by my own fat. I still have fat, but I don't feel like my chin is resting on my boobs when I'm sitting down anymore. Boobs are great, but I really don't want to be using them as a necklace.

2. One day this week I got up very early and went to the school to slog. I was able to run half way around the track. Dare I say I'm making some progress?!

3. I can tell that my clothes are fitting better.

4. I'm currently wearing a pair of panties that I stopped wearing many months ago because every time I wore them, they ended up rolling under my fat roll and practically falling off. Very annoying. Now that my roll isn't so big, they stay in place. Small successes. Love it.

5. Several years ago my mom bought me 2 scales for Christmas. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was her way of saying "Hey fatass, you keep eating like you are and you'll need both of these to be able to even weigh yourself"...hell, I don't know. But anyway, one was digital and one is the old school kind with the circular disc that spins around. That scale only went up to 260. When I started this journey, I couldn't even weight myself because I was over 270. Now I can!! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see 250-something on the scales. Guess it's all relative to where you started.

6. Thursday I went to visit my guy and he said he can definitely tell that I'm losing. He said my face looks thinner & my skin looks clearer & glowing now that I'm eating better.

7. One day this week I did the elliptical for 65 minutes straight. I planned to do it for 60 minutes, but the calorie counter was close to saying 800 calories burned that I did it until it read 800. I was feeling awesome because that's the longest I've ever done it, but my bubble was quickly burst when I downloaded the Bodybugg only to learn that it was only 600 & something calories and not 800. Oh well! It's 600+ more than what I would have burned sitting on my ass.

8. I've noticed that my bras aren't so tight...less bra overhang. Love that.

9. The arm strap on my Bodybugg isn't so tight-looking. I can tell that my biceps are improving. Triceps seem to take a long time to build. Don't have any guns yet, but perhaps little pistols-in-the-making. I've always been an upper body weakling so this will take time. Lower body was where my strength was so that's the exercises I used to focus on instead of what I NEEDED to work on. When I was in high school, I could squat 450 pounds on the stationary squat machine & I could bench press more than the boy in my weight lifting group. Poor thing.

10. I went to 2 OA meetings last week. I'm going to one today. This might be my last time going to this particular meeting. I'm not sure if it's the format of this meeting that I don't care for or what. There is one girl there who just rubs me the wrong way with the "I'm better than everybody-attitude". I get enough bullshit from some of the crap we endure with our patients at work that when I'm doing something for myself, I just want to find some peace & inspiration without leaving there feeling passive-aggressive.

On the non-weight related issues, after interviewing for 3 jobs, I finally made a decision on what I wanted to do. In my mind, I had nearly decided even before interviewing that I wasn't going to take this one particular job just because it was double the drive time and I didn't think they would be able to financially compensate me compared to what I'm used to making in the city. However the unit director seemed impressed enough to call me back for a 2nd interview which I went to on Wednesday. This one was with 3 other nurses and one scrub tech who got to ask me an entire page of questions. In my head, I was trying to figure out how I could work part time there and keep my full-time job where I currently work. Right now I work 12 hour nights and this is a day shift position.
I was so torn. I had also interviewed in the operating room at the hospital were I work now. Thought that would be handy for scheduling to work at the same place. That isn't going to fly though because they don't allow you to work 2 jobs at the same place. More specifically they won't let you work more than 80 hrs/pay. That defeats the whole purpose of working a PT job. I left HR kinda pissed about the entire thing.
I thought I should give up on finding a part time job and focus on trying to start up my jewelry business & sell my stuff online.
When I got home, I started to do some more research about this little hospital in the country and found out that their retirement plan is with the freakin' state. Ok, so that is totally what I've been after this entire time. I worked 7+ years at Ohio State which is state retirement. I wanted to at least get to the 10 year mark with my retirement because there are extra perks that come with that. My whole mindset shifted in that moment.
My gut feeling is that my current job will eventually be phased out due to some medicaid insurance changes that have happened around here. So I decided in my mind that I would take this job in the boonies even though it's over a 40 minute drive & the money won't be as good. While I'm thinking about all this, one of my co-workers called and told me that she just got a call to provide a reference for me. Cool beans. I'm thinking that since they are calling references right after my 2nd interview, they must be considering offering me the job.
I emailed the manager the next morning & asking her a few other questions and indicating that I would take the job full-time. Haven't heard jack shit from her since. Why o why can't things just go smoothly?!!! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something Monday.
I really want to focus on getting rid of excess...excess weight and excess debt. I want to pay off my debt and have some financial peace of mind...and a savings account.

That's my world in a nutshell as of late.

On a very sad note, please everybody pray for Jen (PriorFatGirl) and her family. Her mom was killed yesterday.