Products I endorse

I haven't had a Fiber One product that I haven't liked yet. I absolutely love this cereal. I think the yogurt is good too, but it isn't my favorite yet just due to the limited flavor choices.
For a breakfast treat on-the-go, the Fiber One pop tarts are yum. I've tried every flavor--all of them are good.
The Fiber One bars are tasty too. Oddly enough, the peanut butter ones are my favorite. I'm not even a big fan of peanut butter flavored things, but these are awesome. I actually pick this flavor over the chocolate which says a lot because I can be a chocoholic.

Here's the bread/bun thing I mentioned in an earlier blog. They're very good too.

Prioritize me

Today I have my long "To Do" list. In the past, I would have put exercise on there & would never have gotten around to it. Today was a different story. I have to be honest & admit that exercise didn't come in at slot #1 though. Today was trash day so I did gather all the trash and take it to the curb before the trash men came. But THEN, I took my butt downstairs and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. Oh actually, my original plan was to do 10 minutes of jump roping and only 20 on the elliptical. However, after a very short minute or two, I realized that I just don't have what it takes to be a jump-roper anymore. I'm not quite sure if it's a fat/size issue, flexibility, coordination, or something else, but seriously...I was just pitiful. We won't seeing that jump rope again for a very long time. And I had such high hopes of double-dutching again some day. I'm crushed.

After cardio, I did about 30 minutes of lower body weights. Again, I didn't go all out balls-to-the-wall type workout because I do want to be able to walk this weekend at work. I'm going to have a hard enough time getting through the 16 hour shift on Saturday to worry about being able to walk.
I can definitely feel the arm workout from 2 days ago. It's a good discomfort. Let's me know I'm alive.

For anyone shopping around for an elliptical trainer, I highly recommend the Precor brand. They are quite pricey, but I think they're worth the money. I used this kind many years ago when I used to belong to Bally's gym. After I gave up my gym membership, I decided to buy the home version. I've had mine for about 10 years now and still love it. Mine isn't this exact model; since I've had it so long, it isn't featured, but they are very sturdy and have a bunch of different workout course options.

Total Frustration

This has absolutely nothing to do with my whole lifestyle change or fitness; I just want to vent. Perhaps my frustration would have driven me to eat 2 weeks ago before I started this, but tonight I actually feel like working out & punching the crap out of the punching bag.
I just got off the phone with my son. He frustrates the living crap right out of me with his COMPLETE lack of concern for school, his future, or anything else that doesn't pertain to his girlfriend. I want to tear my hair out. My house is in a school district that sucks so 2 years ago, I went to court and signed over school-year guardianship to my parents so he could go to school in a better district. Has it helped? NO, no, no.
He has a whopping 23% in math and he has D's & F's in all his core subjects. How the hell do you get a 23% in a class; you can pretty much get that by just showing up. OMG!!! Why does he not care? Is it a boy thing? He's verbally making all these long-term plans with his girlfriend about how she is going to go to college in PA and when (if) he graduates from high school (plans on doing auto tech courses), he'll move to PA with her and they'll live happily ever after. Seriously kid?! By the time he makes up these failed classes, she will be 2 years ahead of him even though they're both 16. Does he honestly think that college boys aren't going to hit on here or that she'll not get sick of waiting on his slack ass? I wish I could drill a hole in his head to make sure there really is something in there. He just had an MRI and his neurosurgeon tells me there's brain matter in there, but I'm not believing it; I'm guessing it's all rotten and atrophied from lack of use.
I have no idea what to do with that kid. How do you make someone care? I think I just have to let go & let God as they say. I can only change myself. I can't change my son & the harder I try, the more pissed off we both become. I think what I'm most angry about is the fact that he turned out just like his father even though he hasn't spent more than 3 days with him in the past 11 years. How does that happen? Damn genetics and DNA!!! For every reason I divorced his dad, I see the same traits in him. It scares the life right out of me. I can't make him understand just how much I love him and want what's best for him. I'm sure in his eyes I'm just bitching to aggravate his life & cause him grief.
I'm going to get off my soapbox for now. Just my note of advice for all you single women out there. Be very careful about who you accept genetic deposits from. Today's loverboy could be tomorrow's deadbeat ex.

Anyhooo, back to my lifestyle efforts:

My triceps and hips are definitely feeling last night's workout. I am happy to report that I was able to lift the toothbrush enough to get my teeth brushed....just as planned. I was pleased with my food selections today too. I tried this new bread product; I think it's by Brownberry. They are round like buns, but flat like pita. They're only 100 calories and the ones I got are 100% whole wheat. They made quite the yummy sandwich with mustard, spinach, cheese, and turkey breast.
I need to drink more water today. I've been drinking iced tea like it's the last day of tea bag production. For dinner I went out to eat with a friend. We went to Old Bag of Nails which is known for it's near-authentic fish n chips. Man, did I want to order those, but I refrained. I got the chop salad with grilled chicken and peppercorn vinegarette. I'm not usually a fan of the vinegarette dressing, but this was quite tasty. It reminds me of a dressing my mom makes from scratch that has onions and cucumbers in it.
After dinner, we took a little walk before going to my Al-anon meeting. I always feel better after going to my meetings. Brings me back to some level of sanity & God knows I need that!

Lifting Weights

Last right around midnight, I decided to lift weights. Why that late? I have no idea. I guess because I work night shift & I was up anyway (and still am at 4am).
I've lifted weights off and on since high school, mostly off as you might have guessed or else I wouldn't look like this. I do enjoy that feeling that comes with lifting. It gives me a little high each time I can lift a little more weight or do one more rep than I did the time before. Last night I worked on upper body. Since it was my first time lifting in quite a long time, I didn't go all out trying to bust a gut or anything. I used weights that were slightly challenging at the end of the set, but certainly I could have lifted heavier weight or done more reps. I didn't want to wake up today with my arms so sore that I couldn't lift my toothbrush though. I'm just going to ease back into the groove of things.
After lifting, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. I did the heart course since that what I feel I need to build up first. I need some stamina! I even broke a little sweat. I thought that was cool because I don't usually sweat very much. After years of a sedentary life, even my sweat glands are too lazy to produce sweat. Ha ha!.
Right before I started writing this post, I weighed myself. I'm now at 269; that's 3 pounds total since last week when I started. I'll take that for now.

Slow progress

I weighed myself early this morning. I'm down one pound. I guess I should be a tiny bit happy about that since it's not a +1. I have to admit that I was hoping for more though. Aren't we all?! Those "experts" who are trying to soothe our misery say that it takes time; "you didn't get fat overnight", they say. I swear I DID. One day 130, the next 180, and pretty soon I was over 200. Eeks. I suppose I should cut myself a little slack; I am my own worst critic and too hard on myself. I don't judge other fat people harshly like I do myself. I need to work on being a good friend to myself.
I struggle with acceptance. It's hard for me to admit that I do, in fact, look as fat as I do. I used to tell myself that I was still strong underneath the fat. I don't even pretend to think that now. I do think that my body can endure more than my heart & lungs right now. That's where I notice my weakness the most. I feel like I'm always breathing more heavily than I used to doing similar tasks. I think that's when I get most pissed off with myself; I've let myself down.
I don't want to accept myself as the fat girl & have that be alright. I acknowledge that I am fat, but it's not okay. I'm definitely not living my best life at this size. This is a prime example. Sunday I had RSVP'ed to go to a former co-worker's bridal shower. I bought the gift and had every intention of going, but after talking to another nurse at work who was also invited, I decided not to go. I told her that I was nervous about going because I didn't want to be the fattest girl there. She told me that she wasn't going for that very reason. I totally let my size stand in the way of doing fun things. The bride is only 23 and super, I mean, super skinny (turn to the side and disappear skinny) and I've seen pictures of her friends on FaceBook. They're all thin and cute. I didn't feel like I'd fit in as the fat, nearly 40 year old. So...I opted not to go.

The nanny, that my brother's family had, went to go to Overeater's Anonymous meetings. I have it on my list of things to do, but haven't mustered the courage to go yet. ( I think because so many of them are held at food it me or is that just kinda jacked up? They don't hold AA meetings in a bar.) She's been successful in her weight loss goals by going there. Perhaps I will try it Thursday evening. I currently go to Al-anon because my fiancee' is an alcoholic; I had found a tremendous amount of support and healing by going to the meetings. I'm hoping and praying that OA will be just as useful. I'll keep you posted on that one.
Now I must go work out. One pound is not enough!

Getting back to exercising

Friday I dragged my son to the park to play tennis with me. Although it was fun, I was super self-conscious the entire time. I recently went through my closet and removed all the clothes that are too tight right now. Needless to say, that didn't leave much of a selection. I hadn't done laundry so the pants I wanted to wear, weren't clean. I ended up wearing a pair of light gray gym pants that really weren't suitable for public display. Every dimple in my butt and all the cottage cheese bumps on my thighs showed through the pants. It was embarrassing, but at least I got out there and am working towards my goals.
I'm really looking forward to getting back into a weight-lifting routine. That's what makes me feel awesome. I love that I can see my progress as I'm able to lift more weight or do more reps. My other fitness goal is to build up to running. Right now my fiance' is living out-of-state. I would love to be able to surprise him by being able to run with him when he moves back with me. He would be blown away and I would feel accomplished. If those people on the Biggest Loser show can run and they're bigger than I am, I should be able to build up to that too.
Is there anyone out there who began running as a big person? Any tips to get started? Your plan?

Day 2; I'm on my way

I didn't make it back to blog yesterday, however I did work out. It was a beautiful sunny day here so I walked at the park. I didn't walk as long as I would have liked, but I had to pick up my son's girlfriend. I was actually very disappointed and embarrassed at just how out of shape I really am. I think it's easy to be in denial about our health sometimes. I guess that's where I am/was until yesterday. Although I wasn't walking on a level surface, I was really feeling it....just walking. It had rained here the previous couple days so the ground was really saturated. We walked on an unpaved trail that was soggy, wet & uneven, but that really wasn't an excuse for my level of exertion.
I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm 59. I weighed myself today. I'm the absolute biggest I've ever been; 272 at a mere 5'2". There is no excuse for the way I've let myself go. I'm a nurse; I'm supposed to be a role model for my patients. I'm so far from being a role model right now. By the time I hit 40, I want to be much closer to my goal. I'd like to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 pounds as my final goal weight. I can't actually pinpoint a target weight because as an adult, I've never been thin or even average. I can't even imagine what I'd look like that small.
At 19 years old, I think I weighed 180. But then I met the man I would marry two years later. We ate meals out all the time. We didn't eat anything healthy; it was pizza, Chi Chi's, and fast food. I packed on the pounds quickly; by the time we married, I was 210 lbs. After we divorced, I did manage to get down to 190 and a size 16. That didn't last though. Over the next 14 years, I've been up and down, but mostly up. My weight stabilized around 235 until 2006 when I went on an anti-depressant and gained the rest of this weight. Talking about depressing!!

I have chosen this point in time to start this journey because I believe I've hit rock bottom. I hate the way I feel. In the past, I wanted to do it because I hated the way I look. I still hate the way I look, but now I'm really starting to feel the burden that this weight is placing on my body. When I bend over to tie my shoes, I feel like I'm being smothered. I'm not sure if my fat gut is pushing my internal organs up into my diaphragm or what, but bending over leaves me breathless and not in a good way. Walking a short distance like from the parking lot into the hospital leaves me panting like a dog on a hot day. I'm too young to feel this crappy. I can't go on this way.
I was recently at my in-laws-to-be and was downstairs in my pajamas. Apparently when I raised my arm above my head, my father-in-law could see my big gut. In a not-too-kind voice he said, "Cover your stomach". Wow, I just grossed out my father-in-law. Granted, the man has little tact to begin with, but it really cut me like a knife. My future in-laws are both very thin and very body conscious. I'm uncomfortable around them in that regard. I always wonder what they're thinking about me. It's embarrassing to me because my father-in-law is in his upper 60's and still jogs/runs. I struggle to walk without getting out of breath. I'm ready to change all of that.

The start of my journey

Although my blog is called Melanie's Monday, ironically I'm starting it on a Thursday. I don't want to wait for another Monday to come...and go and not start my diet again. I decided to create a blog to write about my weight issues & the journey of weight loss which I'm starting now. It seems tomorrow never comes for me; I make some excuse as to why I can't start my "diet" or get my butt off the couch. No more excuses!
My goal for this blog is to find other people who are on their weight loss/fitness journey and offer support for one another. I know that I need the support to be successful. I need people who understand my struggles, triumphs, disappoints, & goals. Hopefully along the way, I will be able to inspire others to reach their goals as well. Many years ago I promised myself that I would never pay someone else to make me lose this weight ever again. I have stood firm to my word on that point, but not the one about getting into action to lose all this weight.
I have the knowledge required to assemble a healthy eating plan for myself as well as plenty of gym equipment in my basement; all I have to do now is actually USE it. What a novel concept! Why have I waited this long to get back on track? If I had not let myself get this fat and out of shape, perhaps I could have literally kicked my own butt. That's currently out of the question so I'm counting on all of you to be my virtual butt-kickers for now.

Let the journey begin.

Tomorrow I will post a little background about myself and the dreaded starting weight. Ugh! I hate being the fat girl.
It's approaching the midnight hour so I will close for tonight & get some rest so I will be ready to work out in the morning.

Wish me luck & success as I do for you. Looking forward to hearing your comments.