Shopping and exercise

I don’t know why, but I’m sitting here watching “The Biggest Loser” and crying. The contestants are home from the ranch for a month and struggling to stay on track. They all look so fabulous. I want that success so badly I can hardly stand it. They are running a marathon on tonight’s episode. OMG, I want to be able to do that; I don’t even like running, but I want that. In my mind, that is an impossible goal for me & if I can do that, I can do anything. We all struggle every day to eat the right foods and get our bodies moving. Why is it so hard?!! Food addiction is like no other addiction. No one needs drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. If those addicted to those substances decide to quit, they can stop cold turkey or however they choose to do it. We can’t stop eating. That isn’t a choice. There is no “all-or-nothing” option with food. I think that’s the thing that sucks the most with the struggles with food. I need to learn to change my mind set. I need to learn moderation; I don’t need to eat like every meal is my last. I guess there are things I can give up & be okay never eating them again. Soda is one of those things. I’d rather do without than drink diet & quite honestly, the carbonation & caramel coloring makes my stomach hurt, but for years I’ve drank it anyway. Why would I do that knowing how crappy it makes me feel? That high fructose corn syrup tastes damn good
Today I went grocery shopping and bought foods mostly from the outer perimeter of the stores. I just got a few things like cereal bread, & crystal light from the aisles. I was really happy with my food choices and I was even starving when I went. I bought a ton of fruit to make a nice fruit salad. Got stuff to make a variety of salads too. The sweet treats I got were sugar- free jello with cool whip, reduced-carb ice cream bars, and sugar-free popsicles. Making menus really helped me make the right choices instead of aimlessly walking through the store picking up items that just look good.
I don’t even feel like this body is mine. Or perhaps I wish it wasn’t mine. I think even more foreign than this obese body will be a skinny body. It’s been 20 years since I’ve been less than 200 pounds except for a short period of time where I was about 185-190. I cannot even begin to imagine the excitement I will feel when my clothing choices aren’t limited to Lane Bryant and Macy’s. I forget what it’s like to go into any store of my choice and pick up my size and have it fit. I hate that one or two stores define my style. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t want to wear a lot of the trendy styles they’re trying to say look good on fat people. They don’t! Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should be wearing it. Just give me a normal pair of pants that fit without my crack showing when I bend over. My other fashion complaint especially with Lane Bryant is the mass amount of shirts with no sleeves. Are you freaking kidding me? I don’t know a single fat person who is comfortable having their bat wings flapping in the wind. I can tell ya, this fat chick isn’t digging it.
The other thing I noticed today was how much more difficult it is to propel your own body weight by walking than it is the hop on a machine and walk or do the elliptical. I went to a park with a 1-mile level track. My shins were burning after that mile. I had no intention of only walking once around. Guess I’ll be building up to doing more. At least it was 30 minutes off the couch.
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