Life is looking up and I'm feeling really good. Lately I've been walking at the park instead of doing my C25K. I've been walking at this park for 20+ years and always thought the trail was 3.2 miles. One of the nurses I work with told me that she thought it was 3.8. She was right! So my goal has been to walk that trail 2 times around and today I did it. I wasn't sure that I could walk 7.6 miles, but I did it.

I'm really happy about this because my friend who has been encouraging me on my journey wants to train for a 1/2 (walking) marathon. That means I'm over half done. Woo hoo! I know I have lots to do still, but it's a start.

Yesterday my brother asked if my son & I wanted to go to Hawaii again with his family. Hellz yeah we do!!! But I don't want to go looking like this so I have lots of work to do. Time to really step up my game. I don't want my 2011 pictures to look like the 2005 HI pictures. Those were just sad.

So this week was pretty successful. I lost 4.4 which is over my projected goal so I'm happy with that. Off to work so I can't write more or have the pleasure of reading any of your updates at the moment. Hope everyone is doing well.

I haven't done much of anything for myself since October of last year. I'm not sure what happened to my new lifestyle plan; I had been doing so well. But that is the past and this is now. I can only more forward from here. The good thing is that I have maintained for the most part. I've gained about 8 pounds back, but it's the physical endurance that has suffered the most.

I've reconnected with an old friend who gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to get moving. He's promised to be my cheerleader and for that, I am really grateful.
Lots of things have changed in my life this year both good and bad. I'm ready to makes those changes work to my benefit.

I've missed reading & commenting on everyone's blogs. Seriously, you all are very inspiring & motivating. I look forward to catching up with you guys soon. I doubt I will find the time to go back and read a year's worth of all the blogs I've missed since I follow so many, but I'm going to try my best.

February 22, 2010

So I obviously didn't do a great job at writing on my blog every few days as I intended. I'm struggling mentally and I don't know why. I'm so pissed at myself right now and I don't feel good physically. Without a doubt, it's 100% related to me not working out like I was. I've exercise a few times and there, but essentially you can say that I'm not working out right now. My food is sketchy at best.

Sometime in October something changed. I don't know what or why it happened, but I stopped working so hard like I had been. Part of me thinks that I'm afraid to reach my goals, not just my weight loss goals, but life goals in general. I feel like I'm "white knuckling" it through life at the moment. Why do I put up hurdles and block myself from the things that I really want in life?

I wish I knew. Lots of people have real reasons for using fat as their defense mechanism...being molested as a child, feeling abandoned, or whatever else. I don't think I have a legitimate reason other than I love food. That's just lame. When I eat bad food, why does my mind act like that's my last opportunity in life to ever eat that food again? I don't tell myself that...or at least I don't think I do.

Something is keeping me from my goals and I need to figure out why. It's driving me crazy. Why did I stop working my program? My program stopped working for me because I stopped working my program. That's the plain & simple fact. I haven't been to an OA meetings in eons. My C25K plan is somewhere in the ditch. I'm surely need to start over from week one or two now. Boo hiss.

I'm going to work on getting my head screwed on straight again & get back to work. I NEED to do this for myself if it's the last thing I do.