July 27, 2009



So after fighting my pizza crazing for a night, I broke down and ate pizza. Not once, but 3 times. I'm so beyond pissed at myself. Saturday I weighed and was excited that I was now down 14 pounds; so what did I do? Succumbed to peer pressure at work when they wanted to order pizza. Instead of eating my soup and fruit that I brought, I ordered pizza too. In my mind, I justified eating all those calories because I had only eaten about 400 calories that day.
After eating all that pizza, my gut hurt, I was lethargic and struggled to stay awake for the rest of my shift. It was horrible. After eating better for several months, I can definitely tell how much better I feel. It's actually more evident when I don't stay on my food plan. I feel sick! I feel guilty. I feel tired. I'm not digging this feeling at all. Back to better eating. I miss the good feelings of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself.
I have managed to get in some exercise most every day, but I need to really reorganize my thoughts and get myself back on the straight and narrow TODAY. This can NOT wait until tomorrow.

The other thing I'm totally ticked about is the water challenge with Jen. Seriously...water is about the only thing I ever drank anyway. I would have iced tea if I went out to eat and sometimes make it at home. But I'm not a coffee drinker and haven't had soda since starting my program. So what happened? I tell myself I can't have something and then I want it. WTF is wrong with me? It is such a self-sabotaging move on my part. I was fine with water only before I told myself I couldn't have other beverages. Now I've consumed other drinks because I got in my head that I was being deprived. This just freakin chaps my hide!! Now I'm out of the water challenge. Maybe I'll "punish" myself in August and will only drink water for the entire month just so I know I can do it.

....does life have to be so darn complicated? My credit card company just called and apparently my card bought somebody dinner in JAPAN!! and a cash advance in New Jersey for $5.00. Guess they were just testing the waters with that one.

Hello all,

I FINALLY have my computer back; I had no idea what a computer addict I was until I was 8 days without a computer. Ugh, very painful. My computer is a virgin again after having a complete restore. I'm a bit sad to have lost some great websites that I had bookmarked and some other stuff I really wanted, but I couldn't justify paying an extra $100 for the backup. Guess if it's THAT important I'll find it again.
I can't upload my bodybugg info because this computer comes with IE8 and BB requires IE 6 or 7. Every download for IE 7 I've found says it's not compatible with this Vista version. I've been very frustrated since Wednesday.
Wednesday was my fiance's court hearing for his cases. It lasted about 60 seconds and I could only hear about every 3rd word. I left without hearing what his bond was. Again, more frustration. I picked my computer up on the way home, went home to try to look up his bond info online only to discover that my product info for my anti-virus had been saved in an email folder which...you guessed it, it gone. Grrrr!!! I was able to do the 60 day free trial again, but I will have to rebuy the freaking thing again.
I've just felt overwhelmed this entire week. Monday I went to a different OA meeting since I knew I wouldn't make it to the Wednesday meeting. I'm glad I went. I've been really bad this week about planning my meals. I don't have anything in the house that's not on my plan, but it's making my life more difficult to have been so busy not to plan. I feel a huge internal chaos and I hate it.
Monday morning I went out (in the dark) and did the C25K run/walk. This was the first time I had tried it on the street. I feel really invigorated because I can tell that I'm building up some endurance from where I was. That's totally cool. Can't wait to build up even more.
Monday night I stayed up until 5am and cleaned up my office. I haven't filed in AGES. Holy crap, I shredded two trash bags full of papers. It's not quite done yet, but at least you can get in the room and see that there's actually a desk and chair in there.
I worked Tues & Wed. So after the crappy results of court, I had to face a night of work. From a meeting he had with a pretrial court woman, we were given the impression that he would be getting out on a recognizance bond which would be great because we're broke and don't have money laying around for bond. His parents aren't in a position to pay either. That day was a complete letdown; no one who was recommended for a recognizance bond got it. B's bond was $3700 and I feel horrible that I can't pay it, but...it is what it is. I would rather him stay in until his sentencing. It would break my heart to have him home for 6 months and then have him get sentenced to time and have to be ripped from my life again. We're praying he gets alternative sentencing and is able to get a program called Drug Court where he can get help for his alcoholism. We'll see what happens. At least he's back in the same city and I don't have to make 8 hr trips to TN to visit.
My only real good news of the week is that I'm out of the 260's. WoooHoooo!!! I weighed two days in a row just to be sure. 259 baby, 259! I was surprised because I haven't exercised as much as I want and need to this week. I'll bust ass today and tomorrow.
Last night was a struggle for me. I wanted pizza so badly, but I knew if I went to the store and bought a pizza I would eat the whole damn thing. I had it all planned out in my head too. I obsessed about it until I finally forced myself to go to bed. I'm feeling more in control today, but pizza sure does sound good still.

Can't wait to catch up on all the blogging I missed last week and this week. Hope everyone is doing well.

July 15, 2009


Jen over at Jen@PriorFatGirl is having a "drink water only" challenge for the next 2 weeks & she's having a giveaway so check her out. http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2009/07/happy-hump-day-giveaway.html

Because I'm obsessive the way I am, I weigh myself every day. My weigh-in yesterday was in the evening so I thought I would hop on the scale in the AM and see if it made a difference. It did!! I'm at an even 260 which makes it 12 pounds lost. That makes me feel much better because I feel like I've been kicking this fat's ass and it still refuses to leave. Maybe it's finally starting to get the message.

There will be no Bodybugg updates until I get my computer back...boo hiss. I'll have to be extra strict with my food intake just to be on the safe side.

I weighed myself tonite after my shower...I finally reached the 10lb mark. Seemed like it took forever & a day.
My computer has something wrong with it. Everything is missing from my Start Menu. That's no good. I'm trying to update this blog from my phone. We'll see if it works. Someone please let me know.
Hopefully I'll have my computer back by Friday.

July 13, 09

There's my work for the day. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical. Once again, I had no intention of staying up all night, but I did. I took my son to & from school and then had my interview at 2pm. Another good interview. I'm going to go back in the next 2 weeks for a second interview/observation day to see how I like it. It's totally small compared to the other hospital I came from. Ohio State has 26 ORs and this place only has 3 & 1 procedure room. As a small hospital, they can't pay even as well as the hospital I'm at now so I definitely can't do it as my main job, but I'd consider it as a PT job to get my bills paid off. The compute is also double what I drive now so that's another factor...40+ minutes in the winter; I don't know. Anyhooo, I am supposed to talk to the OR manager at my current hospital at the end of the week. Lots of options on the table now. I might just try to throw Ohio State back in the mix just for the hell of it. Those state benefits sure were nice.



I posted a picture I took tonight after working out. I was really sad to see just how fat I had become. Five years ago I started training with the mother of one of my son's friends. She's in her 40s and is built like a brick shit house as they say--tanned, toned, & muscular. I bought that belt then. I think I weighed about 225 then. As you can see, it's about 4-6 inches short of going around my big ol gut. I'm going to use that as one measure of progress. The other day I took some pictures of myself in clothes that just aren't so cute on me anymore. I'm going to post those soon too.

Have a great night everybody. I'm taking an Advil PM and closing my little peepers now.

July 12/13 2009


I worked Saturday night and ate breakfast/dinner around 2 or 3AM. I went home & went straight to bed without eating because I knew I was meeting my friend for dinner tonigh (Sunday). I needed to hear about her trip to Dallas-- same friend who had the bad date with the wacky dude who brought his own water. So I saved all my calories for this great meal. And it was GREAT. I had a very yummy garlic steak, baked potato, & steamed broccoli, water, & iced tea.
On the way home we decided to stop at DQ. OMG was that a bad idea. Had I looked at the nutrition information BEFORE we stopped, I wouldn't have gotten anything. We both got small cookie dough blizzards. SEVEN HUNDRED and 10 freaking calories. I looked all that info up while putting my food into the BB program. When I saw my results for the day, I quickly changed clothes and ran downstairs and hopped on the elliptical until midnight. I exceeded my caloric burn and food calorie consumption, but didn't reach my calorie deficit goal....all because of that damned blizzard.
No more blizzards or DQ for me. :o(
But, being healthy and in shape will feel better than that ice creams tastes.