August 12, 2009

Yesterday I spend the good majority of the day cleaning up & cleaning out my basement. What a job! My whole body is revolting against exercising today. I didn't get to bed last night until 1230 & woke up at 830. That means daylight which means I don't run in public. Today was W2D2 of the C25K. I really wanted to run on the track, but poor planning on my part left me to do it on the elliptical.
Once I hopped on it, it was all I could do to propel that darn thing forward. My legs are just pooped & I felt like I had cinder blocks tied to my ankles. The podcast I listen to for the C25K made mention of the parameters for doing it on the elliptical. I'll have to check that out as I'm sure I'm nowhere near where I should be.
I did the entire "walk/run" at an incline of 10, the walking segments at intensity level 6-9, and the running segments at 10-15. I was a total clock watcher today and hopped off the second I reached 30 minutes.
In addition to the C25K, today is also lower body weight lifting day for my Body for Life plan. I'm going to wait until tonight to do that. I'm just not ready for that yet at the moment.

I ate Quaker High fiber oatmeal and a piece of string cheese for breakfast, but I'm really feeling like I want to eat something else. What, I don't know. I just want to eat. Perhaps I should have gone to another OA meeting today.

I chickened out to write what I had planned to write about today. That whole topic makes me feel weak and shameful among other things. Maybe another day.

August 11, 2009


I find it truly amazing how God puts before us the exact things we need to see, do, or hear at the moment we need that information. Yesterday I went to an OA meeting & realized that one of the members is a teacher I had in college…20 years ago and she recognized me. Yikes. I’d seen her at the meetings for about 5 weeks and just didn’t make the connection. She taught speech & I freaking hated every second of that class. At the beginning of each class, she made all the students stand up and repeat “I like it, I like it, I can do it”. I did it because I needed the grade, but I NEVER liked it. Public speaking invokes such fear in me that it makes me want to cry to do it.
I have no idea why this is the case. I talk a lot. My friends, family, & coworkers think I’m really funny & entertaining with the crap that flies out of my mouth, but to talk in a controlled setting, standing up in front of people….no way. Today as I was reading some blogs I realize something profound about myself. I have lived much of my life in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of never being happy, fear of not being a good parent or raising him in such a way that he, too, feels like shit about himself, fear of not being pretty enough or thin enough, smart enough, fear of not being PERFECT.

None of us are perfect and I would never expect my loved ones to be perfect so I don’t know why I expect it from myself, but I often do. I’ve declined or resisted invitations to go out into the world and try new things for fear of failure. What if I fall on my ass while learning to snow ski? Before even getting to the slopes I worried about not fitting into the snow pants my brother arranged for us to borrow. I have allowed my weight to keep me a prisoner from my own life. My insecurities run deep.

I’ll interject this funny, but weight related, story to break up the seriousness that this post turned into. In 2006 my fiancé & I went to Aruba. We decided to try scuba diving. Neither of us had tried it. We get all our gear and embarrassingly enough, I had to have some huge ass life jacket and an extremely heavy weight belt that is used to balance your weight when you’re underwater. Fat floats people. Big boobs=built-in floatation devices. I need a REALLY heavy belt; after all, I am 50% fat. We were sitting at the front of the boat so we were the last to get in the water. Brent went before I did. I was the very last to go. As I’m holding the line, I stick my head under the water and see how far down everyone is. HOLY SHIT. What if I run out of air? What if my mask falls off, what if I lose my respirator? I start to panic….seriously. I told the instructor that I couldn’t do it & started to swim back to the boat. He told me no. I finally get to the bottom of the ocean; we were only 30 feet under. My heart is pounding. I look over and see Brent sitting on the ocean floor patiently waiting. He pointed to his oxygen gauge like he wasted all his air waiting on me..ha ha. The next step was to find that proper buoyancy level where you can stay under water. It’s a fine balancing act with how you breathe too. I didn’t realize that at first. The instructor is telling me to do this and that to see if I’m at the right buoyancy. Nope. He starts picking up rocks & shoving them in my life jacket. Another test….still not right. We do this for several rounds. Finally he looks at this humongous rock….like a boulder, but then finds some other rock. When we got back to shore Brent made mention of the guy looking at the boulder. He said he thought the guy was going to make me swim with that huge boulder the entire time. Jerk, shut up skinny-ass white boy! So that’s my scuba diving story. It was fearful but fun.

Back to my seriousness….

I noticed in every OA meeting I’ve been to that at least one person, if not several, have mentioned perfection. They can’t move on to the next step because they fear they haven’t done the current step “perfectly”. They've mentioned multiple things where they expect perfection. Do all fat people expect perfection from our/themselves and because we know that perfection isn’t realistic, we just throw our hands up and say “Screw it, I’m not doing any of it if I can’t do it right”? I know that I’ve had that thought many times…too many times to count.
Sean A made mention of this type of negative thinking in his blog recently, but I find it ironic that I read it today & not on the day he posted it. Negative self-talk definitely lives in my head & manifests itself in my life. I REALLY want to change that. I’m finding it difficult because situations happen that reinforce that message in my mind. Back in March I applied for a job at a local hospital for a position doing exactly what I did at my previous nursing job. I had 3 interviews that lasted a total of 6 hours. Honestly people, I thought I had the job in the bag. I miss working in surgery & was so excited about the prospect of getting back to doing those trauma cases & all the blood & guts. It’s just interesting & exciting and you get to see things you never imagine that you’ll ever see. People can really get themselves into some precarious situations (gee doc, I’m not sure how that beer bottle ended up in my rectum). Anywhoo, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I honestly believe it was because I’m fat. The manager who interviewed me made mention, not once, but twice, in the interview about the physical demands of the job. Really lady????!!!! I came from a level I trauma center & did that job WELL for over 7 years; I think I know the freaking demands of the job. So anyway, I’ll be adding that situation to my list of resentments when I get to that step in OA. That step will probably take me a year because I’ll be so swamped with listing all the resentments I have for myself.
My goal is to feel like I’m worth it…whatever “IT” is. I want others to see my worth regardless of what the scales might say. I want to be proud of myself; I just want to be happy.
My intention today was to write about something else, but look what came out. I will start writing my other topic tonight and post it for tomorrow.


Hope everyone has a great day.

Aug 3, 2009

Yesterday I weighed myself and hit the 15 pound mark. I don't count the weight loss as accurate until I see it on the scales 2 days in a row. Today was day 2. Woo Hooo!!
Also yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I haven't been able to wear for a long time. I couldn't even get them zipped 15 pounds ago.

That's all I've got for today so far. I'm off to the basement to work out and then heading to an OA meeting.

August 1, 2009

Having my computer gone for over a week really threw a monkey wrench into my rhythm. Not that I blogged every day, but I felt like I had some schedule of sorts. I need to get back into a groove and start writing again.
Besides my pizza situation, I've actually managed to do fairly well. I must admit that the pizza cost me 2 pounds which I have since taken off again. Damn pizza. I've had some small victories this week.
These are the things I'm starting to notice about myself as of late:
1. At my heaviest, when I would sit down, I would feel like my fat gut pushed up into my boobs and then my boobs would feel as if they were up under my chin. I almost felt strangled by my own fat. I still have fat, but I don't feel like my chin is resting on my boobs when I'm sitting down anymore. Boobs are great, but I really don't want to be using them as a necklace.

2. One day this week I got up very early and went to the school to slog. I was able to run half way around the track. Dare I say I'm making some progress?!

3. I can tell that my clothes are fitting better.

4. I'm currently wearing a pair of panties that I stopped wearing many months ago because every time I wore them, they ended up rolling under my fat roll and practically falling off. Very annoying. Now that my roll isn't so big, they stay in place. Small successes. Love it.

5. Several years ago my mom bought me 2 scales for Christmas. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was her way of saying "Hey fatass, you keep eating like you are and you'll need both of these to be able to even weigh yourself"...hell, I don't know. But anyway, one was digital and one is the old school kind with the circular disc that spins around. That scale only went up to 260. When I started this journey, I couldn't even weight myself because I was over 270. Now I can!! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see 250-something on the scales. Guess it's all relative to where you started.

6. Thursday I went to visit my guy and he said he can definitely tell that I'm losing. He said my face looks thinner & my skin looks clearer & glowing now that I'm eating better.

7. One day this week I did the elliptical for 65 minutes straight. I planned to do it for 60 minutes, but the calorie counter was close to saying 800 calories burned that I did it until it read 800. I was feeling awesome because that's the longest I've ever done it, but my bubble was quickly burst when I downloaded the Bodybugg only to learn that it was only 600 & something calories and not 800. Oh well! It's 600+ more than what I would have burned sitting on my ass.

8. I've noticed that my bras aren't so tight...less bra overhang. Love that.

9. The arm strap on my Bodybugg isn't so tight-looking. I can tell that my biceps are improving. Triceps seem to take a long time to build. Don't have any guns yet, but perhaps little pistols-in-the-making. I've always been an upper body weakling so this will take time. Lower body was where my strength was so that's the exercises I used to focus on instead of what I NEEDED to work on. When I was in high school, I could squat 450 pounds on the stationary squat machine & I could bench press more than the boy in my weight lifting group. Poor thing.

10. I went to 2 OA meetings last week. I'm going to one today. This might be my last time going to this particular meeting. I'm not sure if it's the format of this meeting that I don't care for or what. There is one girl there who just rubs me the wrong way with the "I'm better than everybody-attitude". I get enough bullshit from some of the crap we endure with our patients at work that when I'm doing something for myself, I just want to find some peace & inspiration without leaving there feeling passive-aggressive.

On the non-weight related issues, after interviewing for 3 jobs, I finally made a decision on what I wanted to do. In my mind, I had nearly decided even before interviewing that I wasn't going to take this one particular job just because it was double the drive time and I didn't think they would be able to financially compensate me compared to what I'm used to making in the city. However the unit director seemed impressed enough to call me back for a 2nd interview which I went to on Wednesday. This one was with 3 other nurses and one scrub tech who got to ask me an entire page of questions. In my head, I was trying to figure out how I could work part time there and keep my full-time job where I currently work. Right now I work 12 hour nights and this is a day shift position.
I was so torn. I had also interviewed in the operating room at the hospital were I work now. Thought that would be handy for scheduling to work at the same place. That isn't going to fly though because they don't allow you to work 2 jobs at the same place. More specifically they won't let you work more than 80 hrs/pay. That defeats the whole purpose of working a PT job. I left HR kinda pissed about the entire thing.
I thought I should give up on finding a part time job and focus on trying to start up my jewelry business & sell my stuff online.
When I got home, I started to do some more research about this little hospital in the country and found out that their retirement plan is with the freakin' state. Ok, so that is totally what I've been after this entire time. I worked 7+ years at Ohio State which is state retirement. I wanted to at least get to the 10 year mark with my retirement because there are extra perks that come with that. My whole mindset shifted in that moment.
My gut feeling is that my current job will eventually be phased out due to some medicaid insurance changes that have happened around here. So I decided in my mind that I would take this job in the boonies even though it's over a 40 minute drive & the money won't be as good. While I'm thinking about all this, one of my co-workers called and told me that she just got a call to provide a reference for me. Cool beans. I'm thinking that since they are calling references right after my 2nd interview, they must be considering offering me the job.
I emailed the manager the next morning & asking her a few other questions and indicating that I would take the job full-time. Haven't heard jack shit from her since. Why o why can't things just go smoothly?!!! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something Monday.
I really want to focus on getting rid of excess...excess weight and excess debt. I want to pay off my debt and have some financial peace of mind...and a savings account.

That's my world in a nutshell as of late.

On a very sad note, please everybody pray for Jen (PriorFatGirl) and her family. Her mom was killed yesterday.

Hello all,

I FINALLY have my computer back; I had no idea what a computer addict I was until I was 8 days without a computer. Ugh, very painful. My computer is a virgin again after having a complete restore. I'm a bit sad to have lost some great websites that I had bookmarked and some other stuff I really wanted, but I couldn't justify paying an extra $100 for the backup. Guess if it's THAT important I'll find it again.
I can't upload my bodybugg info because this computer comes with IE8 and BB requires IE 6 or 7. Every download for IE 7 I've found says it's not compatible with this Vista version. I've been very frustrated since Wednesday.
Wednesday was my fiance's court hearing for his cases. It lasted about 60 seconds and I could only hear about every 3rd word. I left without hearing what his bond was. Again, more frustration. I picked my computer up on the way home, went home to try to look up his bond info online only to discover that my product info for my anti-virus had been saved in an email folder which...you guessed it, it gone. Grrrr!!! I was able to do the 60 day free trial again, but I will have to rebuy the freaking thing again.
I've just felt overwhelmed this entire week. Monday I went to a different OA meeting since I knew I wouldn't make it to the Wednesday meeting. I'm glad I went. I've been really bad this week about planning my meals. I don't have anything in the house that's not on my plan, but it's making my life more difficult to have been so busy not to plan. I feel a huge internal chaos and I hate it.
Monday morning I went out (in the dark) and did the C25K run/walk. This was the first time I had tried it on the street. I feel really invigorated because I can tell that I'm building up some endurance from where I was. That's totally cool. Can't wait to build up even more.
Monday night I stayed up until 5am and cleaned up my office. I haven't filed in AGES. Holy crap, I shredded two trash bags full of papers. It's not quite done yet, but at least you can get in the room and see that there's actually a desk and chair in there.
I worked Tues & Wed. So after the crappy results of court, I had to face a night of work. From a meeting he had with a pretrial court woman, we were given the impression that he would be getting out on a recognizance bond which would be great because we're broke and don't have money laying around for bond. His parents aren't in a position to pay either. That day was a complete letdown; no one who was recommended for a recognizance bond got it. B's bond was $3700 and I feel horrible that I can't pay it, but...it is what it is. I would rather him stay in until his sentencing. It would break my heart to have him home for 6 months and then have him get sentenced to time and have to be ripped from my life again. We're praying he gets alternative sentencing and is able to get a program called Drug Court where he can get help for his alcoholism. We'll see what happens. At least he's back in the same city and I don't have to make 8 hr trips to TN to visit.
My only real good news of the week is that I'm out of the 260's. WoooHoooo!!! I weighed two days in a row just to be sure. 259 baby, 259! I was surprised because I haven't exercised as much as I want and need to this week. I'll bust ass today and tomorrow.
Last night was a struggle for me. I wanted pizza so badly, but I knew if I went to the store and bought a pizza I would eat the whole damn thing. I had it all planned out in my head too. I obsessed about it until I finally forced myself to go to bed. I'm feeling more in control today, but pizza sure does sound good still.

Can't wait to catch up on all the blogging I missed last week and this week. Hope everyone is doing well.

July 1, 2009

Wow, July already. Unbelievable! That just goes to show how quickly time flies and more importantly that the future will come regardless of whether I’m doing something to improve my life or not. I’ve been on the trek for 2 months already and I feel like I’ve made little progress compared to changes I’ve accomplished in the past ---and let slip away. I’m staying focused though & eating what I need to eat, & moving my butt of f the couch.

Yesterday while my son was mowing the grass for the neighbor, I ran up to Marshall’s to check out the shoe situation as I’ve had my current running shoes for 2 years which is the last time I attempted this running “thing”. I normally wear a 6.5, but couldn’t find any decent shoes in my size. I did find a 7.5 which I almost bought. They were a tad big, but I thought for the price I would suck it up. With shoes in hand, I walked over to the kids section. I found a pair of Asics Gels for $25. Cha ching! There are only 2 small things about me---my feet and my wallet so this totally worked out well for me on both accounts. I think they’re pretty good looking too which is only a small factor since I only plan to wear these for working out; I really don’t care about the looks of them at this point.

When he was done mowing, my son & I played some tennis. The weather was great at 75 degrees, but it was a little bit windy for tennis. After that we went to the park for a walk on the nature trail. We didn’t do the long trail because I was breaking in the new shoes. I was afraid I’d be a mile into the walk and have blisters or something and have a torturous walk back to the car. My feet were a little sore, but no blisters.

For dinner I made small steaks, baked potatoes, and spinach salad. The spinach salad was gross, but I ate most of it anyway. I was trying to recreate this warm spinach salad I had at a restaurant in Chicago many years back. I wasn’t successful, not even by a long shot. I’ll keep working at it. I did eat a small dish of cherry vanilla ice cream too; I needed something to wash that gross salad taste out of my mouth.

So I’m a bit irritated today as I’m STILL waiting on the freaking UPS label to be emailed to me. I called again today to see what the H is up with that. The guy now told me that there is a 24-48 hour wait for the work order ticket to get approved which just basically tells the moneybag people that the tech did everything possible and the Bugg is still non-functioning. He informed me that it was approved today. NOW there is another 24-36 hour wait for the UPS label email to get generated. I’m sorry, but that is total bullshit. When you pay that much money for a product, I expect it to work & if it doesn’t, I expect that they make it right darn near immediately. By the time this crap is said and done, I will have lost 2 complete weeks of using the Bodybugg. Why can’t they just send a new one out and if I don’t send the other back within 10 days of receiving my label, they can just charge the credit card for another Bodybugg unit. Is that so hard? I’m soooo not about delayed gratification and this is grating on my last nerve.

Eeeks, as I just wrote that last sentence, I’m thinking that might be a major contributing factor as to why I’m never successful with my weight loss efforts. I expect everything in the NOW. When I don’t see immediate results from my efforts and sacrifices, I have always given up. I’m going to have to explore that idea some more. I bet if I flip through my 12 step workbook for Overeaters Anonymous it’s addressed in there somewhere. Oh, so much work to do on this body and mind.

June 24, 2009



It's been such a good day so far. Besides the fact that I'm super tired from only sleeping 4 hours, it's been a good start for the day. I went to another OA meeting...mostly older women, but as usual, very good topics and useful information. I'm glad to have the structure and the avenue to address the emotional & psychological piece of overeating & food obsession.
It was reiterated about the concept of "One Day at a Time" or "Just for Today"....I will not eat compulsively or I WILL exercise x number of minutes. The concept is so simple, yet I often made my life harder than it really needs to be. Just for today I will take good care of my body!

Another good thing...I lost another pound making my total 9 now.
My bodybugg is up & running. I'm totally digging it! I love that it takes the brain work out of all the food calculations & exercise "guesstimates" of caloric expenditures. After wearing it since yesterday around 7pm, I do have to agree with others who have mentioned the arm fat pinching. Mine isn't so much that the band pinches my fat, but it's irritating my "bat wing". I'll just take that as a constant reminder to do arm exercises.

While I was at the OA meeting, I got a voicemail about interviewing for this casual position with the state. One of my friends that I used to work with is also doing this same job; she says it's a candy-ass job, but even those few hours a month will count towards my state retirement so I'm super stoked about getting that call.

And lastly, I tried that Green Monster Shake today...yum! It would have been better had I had the time to let it chill, but I was on my way out the door to that meeting so I drank it as is. It was good...looks weird, but I didn't taste the spinach at all. I'll be trying that again and mixing it up a bit; perhaps I'll try some strawberries in it next time.

June 14, 2009

Yesterday I missed my OA meeting. I worked Friday night and our unit was full so we were really busy. A few of the babies cried all night long and that just grates on the nerves after a while. When I got home, I went straight to bed with the intention of getting up 2 hours later to go to the meeting. But when 10am came and that alarm went off, I just couldn’t do it. I reset the alarm and went back to sleep until 3pm. I got ready for work and then went over to my parents’ house to work out before I headed in for another 12-hour shift. I did day 2 of the C25K. I did much better this time…even on the treadmill. I found a better running speed than the first time I tried it on the treadmill. I was so glad that the 2 days of rest eased my shin pain. This time I concentrated on actually picking my feet up during the running intervals. When I did day 1 on the track, I felt like I was shuffle-running like Charlie Brown. I know I couldn’t have possibly improved THAT much after just one walk/run, but I felt I did. By the end of the session, I felt really pumped and excited for the next workout. I know they recommend a day of rest between workouts, but I want to run again today.

The thing I’m struggling with most is my food. It’s not that I even eat all that badly, but I could do LOTS better. I really want to go back to my 80g of carbs/day like I used to do. That really seemed to work for me. I was able to lose weight and that carb level seems to take away my cravings. Why is it that I know this about my eating issues, but I’m still too darn lazy to implement it right now? I need to get my thinking right. Although I’m willing to do the exercise, the food planning, shopping, preparing, weighing, & the recording seem to be my downfall. I feel like by having to do all this food stuff makes me obsessed with food. I’m constantly thinking about food and that’s not the way I want it to be.
I’m hoping the food issue will be another benefit of going to OA. I want to learn how to address the concept that food is a fact of life without having to obsess about it. I would love to eventually be at a comfort level where healthy food choices just come naturally without wishing I was eating fatty foods and foods that aren’t nutrient dense. I’ve got lots of work to do before I get to that level.
Last night at work, I was talking to a few other girls who are also struggling with their weight. I told them about working Step 1 of the OA Step workbook and how emotional it had been. As I started talking about it, I started to well up with tears again. Before starting on my journey this time, I never realized just how much my weight affected me. I’ve been stuffing my feelings, but I have no idea why or how I even got into the habit of overeating.
I know that my low self-esteem was learned from my mom. She’s always been obsessed with her weight. She was constantly dieting and trying every weight loss gimmick on the market. She had success on phen/fen, but has since gained it all back & probably a bit more.

When I was 10 she began giving me Dexatrim diet pills. I don’t know if I told her that I wanted to lose weight or if she just thought I should lose weight. I wasn’t fat then, but I was chunky. Then in high school I was about the same size as my mom. We shared some clothes and would go shopping together. When I got to college and gained weight, we stopped shopping together. The last time I recall clothes shopping with my mom was somewhere around 1998. I lost enough weight to get into a size 16 which meant I could shop at a regular store instead of a fat chick store. Now that I’m bigger again….no shopping. We don’t hang out much anymore. I am dreading getting to the step where I have to admit all my character flaws and defects. Am I withdrawing from being social with her or are my feelings of not being good enough justified? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. For many years now, I’ve felt like I’ve been an embarrassment to her because of my weight. In the back of my mind, I’ve often wondered how she would react if I got to my goal weight. I think subconsciously I’ve been afraid to lose weight and find out if she’ll want to hang out and shop again. That would hurt.
I’ve already dealt with that rejection in the dating world. I always wanted to find a guy who could just like/love me for who I am at this very moment. Don’t dislike me because I’m not skinny or don’t like me because you’re a chubby chaser and I’m the kind of fat girl you like. Just like me for me. I finally found that with Brent. Fat girls aren’t his preference, but he likes the kind of person I am and I just happen to come in a large package (for now). He loves me now and he’ll still love me smaller or bigger than I am right now. That does give me a sense of peace & security. Plus he’s more than willing to assist & support me any way he can to help me reach my goals. I can’t freaking wait until he moves back to Ohio. I need his support on a daily basis. His cooking is fabulous; mine is good, but I don’t enjoy cooking like he does. He’s my rock.

I’ve rambled long enough. I’m off to do W1D3.

June 8, 2009


I'm bummed on 2 levels today. First off, there was no 9 pound total loss which is what I thought the other day. Damn scale; I do need to get something more reliable. How can it fluctuate so much?! That totally yanks my chain. Today I weighed myself again & it's only a 2 pound total loss (sad face).
Yesterday my son & I went to the school and walked a mile on the track. We totally intended on doing more, but it was so flippin' hot out there we felt like our feet were on fire. We also brought our bikes with us so we biked 4.5 miles too. Now I'm left wondering why as a child the bicycle seat never hurt my "girl parts", but it does now. Holy cow!! But overall it was a good ride. We saved a poor little squirrel from being flattened, but not from death. He'd already been hit by a car, but was just stunned & seizing in the road on his way to death. I couldn't bear the thought of his little body being squished so we pulled him to the side of the road so he could go to Heaven in peace & one piece. (biggest sad face) I thought for sure there would be a pound lost or something, but noooo. That would be asking too much today.
I will keep working at it though. This fat can't hold on forever. Saturday I went to my second OA meeting. Good stuff. I think this just might be the key I've been missing from my weight loss plan. I've done all the questions for Step 1. I'm not sure if I have to wait now and get a sponsor before I move on or what, but I'm learning a lot about myself and perhaps beginning to see why I've allowed myself to get to this size. Excited to see what the future holds.

Yesterday was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” day for me. I’m going through such a rough time in my life—not just with my weight, but life in general. I won’t bore you with all the details because I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the life I have because I’m not, but just once I’d like to catch a break. I’d like ONE thing to go right the first time around without some big hassle or setback.
Early in the evening I had to take my son to a sleep-over retreat & meeting for his upcoming church youth mission trip. On the way there, we were discussing how his art grade when from a B to an F in the week before school is to end. I asked about this paper he was to have turned in this week; it was worth 150 points. He told me that he thought it was extra credit. OMG, I think my head exploded for a moment. I totally lost it and don’t recall several minutes of driving. Anger and driving aren’t a good mix!
On the way home, I got behind every slow driver and seemed like I just got boxed in by every slow poke the road. I think I missed the memo about yesterday being the “Drive 10 under the speed limit Day”. By the time I got home, I was so beyond frustrated. I was just so pissed about everything that happened that day & just threw all my good judgment out the window. My friend and I went to the store and bought all bad food---soda, pizza, ice cream, chips, & booze. We ate some of it all. It wasn’t as bad for her as she’s not fat, but it was such a horrible move on my part; not only that, but it was late in the evening. Double whammy!
Today when I woke up I felt all this guilt for making such bad food choices. I decided today was the day that I would get the guts to try an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. I got there a bit early & sat in my car waiting for others to get there. If it was too small of a group, I may have chickened out. However, it ended up being 7 women. I wasn’t AS nervous as when I went to my first Al-anon meeting, but still the unknown is a bit nerve-wracking. I will definitely go again. Before leaving, I bought the OA book and workbook that helps work through the 12-Steps.
After the meeting I went to the park and worked on Step 1. It’s been quite an emotional journey already with just the questions I did answer. I think I did a little over half of them. I have hope that this program with be really helpful to me. Al-anon has been very eye-opening & useful in helping me deal with my fiancé’s alcoholism so I have hope for this program as well. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to struggle alone & there are others that I can turn to for help. It’s really easy to isolate yourself when you’re fat.
I’ve watched a lot of those shows about the fattest man, teen, & woman etc. It seems unbelievable that someone would allow themselves to get to that size, but honestly, I never thought I would be this fat. How did I let this happen to myself? I feel as though I was average one day and just woke up fat the next, but I know that isn’t really the case. None of us are that different from the people who weight 600 or 800 pounds. We all make bad food choices, eat portions that are way too big, don’t move our bodies enough, or just don’t have control of our eating in general.
I am praying for successful recovery from my food addictions. My fiancé has been sober for about 420 days. If he can kick his addiction, I can kick mine. We’ll work as a team along with our support meetings. Does anyone have any experience with OA? What’s worked for you and what hasn’t?