November 25, 2009

I've spent the last 5 days doing projects around the house in preparation for a house appraisal for my mortgage refinance. I'm waiting for the appraiser to get here now; he's late--15 minutes so far.
I've upgraded 2 bathroom vanity lights (think that's my 4 & 5th electrical jobs & the house hasn't burned down..yeah!), put a new faucet in my bathroom, painted my front door inside & out,the garage door trim, & 5 interior door. We bought 1200 pounds of top soil and spread that in the backyard where the deck used to be. We felt like our backs were breaking moving 30- 40lb bags of dirt around to the back yard. I've lost 31 pounds so a 40 pound bag of dirt isn't that much more. I struggled to move them. I can't imagine how great it will feel to get another 30 off and another. And last, but not least, we put up all the Christmas decorations.

Every day that I've been working in the house, I've burned a minimum of 3,300 calories. I haven't exercised in the true sense of a workout, but I've gotten lots of exercise & drank tons of water.

I'm taking today off from any activity. I'm working 12 hours tonight. Tomorrow I will resume with the workouts & use my new hanging crunch rack. I like it. I'm not able to use the pull-up bar because my ceiling is too low. The bar is right at the rafters. Oh well....in my dream house it will be perfect :o)

Hope everyone has a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving.

October 13, 2009

I'm back from my weekend in TN. We had a good time. For some reason though, I couldn't sleep the entire time I was there which made me miserable. I've never had that problem at my in-laws. The in-laws about had a heart attack because my FIL's 2 older sons from out west came in to surprise him. My FIL has been bitching to me about how these 2 sons treat him so badly and never come to see them, don't call to check on them, never email etc. They just showed up. Big WOW! I've been with Brent for 4 years & have never met or spoken to either of them.
So anyway, it was a nice turn out for the party. It was a combined birthday party & Oktoberfest...beer brats, hot German potato salad, German beers, sauerkraut balls. All the food was good. I stuck with water all weekend since I don't drink beer.

Almost every single time I've gone down there, I say that I'm going to work out, go for a walk or something. I NEVER do. EXCEPT, this time I did. I was awake waaaay too early on Saturday morning. I got dressed & headed outside to do my C25K run. I was proud of myself for actually doing it. Honestly, I figured that I would make some excuse up in my mind & just not do it. It was nice though. The air was cool & crisp so I barely got overly hot. Got to see some deer playing in a field; actually they scared the daylights out of me because I didn't see them until they started running.
But back to reality. I'm not sure where my head has been the past week. I think I've been mentally overwhelmed with everything that's going on in my life. I was too exhausted to exercise early last week. That day turned into the next and then the next. WTF??!!! Seriously, I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't logged my food either. I will say that the food thing is getting much easier though. I don't crave the junk food like I have in the past. Despite not exercising, I pretty much stayed on task with the food. I think it's almost become ingrained in me because I feel so much better by eating right. My guts used to just KILL; now I'm feeling good in that department. I haven't overeaten, but I have had a few things that I know I wouldn't have eaten if I was being strict with myself.

So that's my goal for the day. Get my head out of my ass & back on track. I need to get dressed & get to the track to do my run before the kids arrive at school & see a fat girl running. Eeks.
Have a good day everyone.

August 1, 2009

Having my computer gone for over a week really threw a monkey wrench into my rhythm. Not that I blogged every day, but I felt like I had some schedule of sorts. I need to get back into a groove and start writing again.
Besides my pizza situation, I've actually managed to do fairly well. I must admit that the pizza cost me 2 pounds which I have since taken off again. Damn pizza. I've had some small victories this week.
These are the things I'm starting to notice about myself as of late:
1. At my heaviest, when I would sit down, I would feel like my fat gut pushed up into my boobs and then my boobs would feel as if they were up under my chin. I almost felt strangled by my own fat. I still have fat, but I don't feel like my chin is resting on my boobs when I'm sitting down anymore. Boobs are great, but I really don't want to be using them as a necklace.

2. One day this week I got up very early and went to the school to slog. I was able to run half way around the track. Dare I say I'm making some progress?!

3. I can tell that my clothes are fitting better.

4. I'm currently wearing a pair of panties that I stopped wearing many months ago because every time I wore them, they ended up rolling under my fat roll and practically falling off. Very annoying. Now that my roll isn't so big, they stay in place. Small successes. Love it.

5. Several years ago my mom bought me 2 scales for Christmas. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was her way of saying "Hey fatass, you keep eating like you are and you'll need both of these to be able to even weigh yourself"...hell, I don't know. But anyway, one was digital and one is the old school kind with the circular disc that spins around. That scale only went up to 260. When I started this journey, I couldn't even weight myself because I was over 270. Now I can!! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see 250-something on the scales. Guess it's all relative to where you started.

6. Thursday I went to visit my guy and he said he can definitely tell that I'm losing. He said my face looks thinner & my skin looks clearer & glowing now that I'm eating better.

7. One day this week I did the elliptical for 65 minutes straight. I planned to do it for 60 minutes, but the calorie counter was close to saying 800 calories burned that I did it until it read 800. I was feeling awesome because that's the longest I've ever done it, but my bubble was quickly burst when I downloaded the Bodybugg only to learn that it was only 600 & something calories and not 800. Oh well! It's 600+ more than what I would have burned sitting on my ass.

8. I've noticed that my bras aren't so tight...less bra overhang. Love that.

9. The arm strap on my Bodybugg isn't so tight-looking. I can tell that my biceps are improving. Triceps seem to take a long time to build. Don't have any guns yet, but perhaps little pistols-in-the-making. I've always been an upper body weakling so this will take time. Lower body was where my strength was so that's the exercises I used to focus on instead of what I NEEDED to work on. When I was in high school, I could squat 450 pounds on the stationary squat machine & I could bench press more than the boy in my weight lifting group. Poor thing.

10. I went to 2 OA meetings last week. I'm going to one today. This might be my last time going to this particular meeting. I'm not sure if it's the format of this meeting that I don't care for or what. There is one girl there who just rubs me the wrong way with the "I'm better than everybody-attitude". I get enough bullshit from some of the crap we endure with our patients at work that when I'm doing something for myself, I just want to find some peace & inspiration without leaving there feeling passive-aggressive.

On the non-weight related issues, after interviewing for 3 jobs, I finally made a decision on what I wanted to do. In my mind, I had nearly decided even before interviewing that I wasn't going to take this one particular job just because it was double the drive time and I didn't think they would be able to financially compensate me compared to what I'm used to making in the city. However the unit director seemed impressed enough to call me back for a 2nd interview which I went to on Wednesday. This one was with 3 other nurses and one scrub tech who got to ask me an entire page of questions. In my head, I was trying to figure out how I could work part time there and keep my full-time job where I currently work. Right now I work 12 hour nights and this is a day shift position.
I was so torn. I had also interviewed in the operating room at the hospital were I work now. Thought that would be handy for scheduling to work at the same place. That isn't going to fly though because they don't allow you to work 2 jobs at the same place. More specifically they won't let you work more than 80 hrs/pay. That defeats the whole purpose of working a PT job. I left HR kinda pissed about the entire thing.
I thought I should give up on finding a part time job and focus on trying to start up my jewelry business & sell my stuff online.
When I got home, I started to do some more research about this little hospital in the country and found out that their retirement plan is with the freakin' state. Ok, so that is totally what I've been after this entire time. I worked 7+ years at Ohio State which is state retirement. I wanted to at least get to the 10 year mark with my retirement because there are extra perks that come with that. My whole mindset shifted in that moment.
My gut feeling is that my current job will eventually be phased out due to some medicaid insurance changes that have happened around here. So I decided in my mind that I would take this job in the boonies even though it's over a 40 minute drive & the money won't be as good. While I'm thinking about all this, one of my co-workers called and told me that she just got a call to provide a reference for me. Cool beans. I'm thinking that since they are calling references right after my 2nd interview, they must be considering offering me the job.
I emailed the manager the next morning & asking her a few other questions and indicating that I would take the job full-time. Haven't heard jack shit from her since. Why o why can't things just go smoothly?!!! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something Monday.
I really want to focus on getting rid of excess...excess weight and excess debt. I want to pay off my debt and have some financial peace of mind...and a savings account.

That's my world in a nutshell as of late.

On a very sad note, please everybody pray for Jen (PriorFatGirl) and her family. Her mom was killed yesterday.

After spending 1.5 hours on the phone with a bodybugg techie, it was indeed determined that I got a bum bodybugg device. They will be sending out a new one and extending my service another 60days for free. That's a good payoff for my inconvenience I suppose, but I really wanted to be using the bugg.
So this weekend was a complete bust when it came to exercising. I went to TN to visit my guy. I had fully intended on walking at the area state park hoping there would be shade in the "forest". Yeah well, I got back in my car at 3pm on Saturday. The temp gauge in my car said it was 105. Holy shit, it was hot. I was just thankful not to have been wearing shorts on the leather seats. It was too hot to be outside. I don't want to even think what the heat index was.
Friday evening was about the same although not quite as hot...just upper 90s. No walk for me that night either. I did pre-plan my food and took grilled chicken I cooked the night before as well as lots of veggies, yogurt, water, & fruit. I think I did fairly well with my intake while gone.

I'd like to say that I lost lots just by sweating my ass off while I was gone, but sadly as I look behind me, I can still see MY big 'ol behind. I do notice my jeans fitting a bit more loosely so that's cool.
Anyway, I'm back in Ohio where the temp is only in the 80s. I'm off to do something active & fun with my son.

Friday I dragged my son to the park to play tennis with me. Although it was fun, I was super self-conscious the entire time. I recently went through my closet and removed all the clothes that are too tight right now. Needless to say, that didn't leave much of a selection. I hadn't done laundry so the pants I wanted to wear, weren't clean. I ended up wearing a pair of light gray gym pants that really weren't suitable for public display. Every dimple in my butt and all the cottage cheese bumps on my thighs showed through the pants. It was embarrassing, but at least I got out there and am working towards my goals.
I'm really looking forward to getting back into a weight-lifting routine. That's what makes me feel awesome. I love that I can see my progress as I'm able to lift more weight or do more reps. My other fitness goal is to build up to running. Right now my fiance' is living out-of-state. I would love to be able to surprise him by being able to run with him when he moves back with me. He would be blown away and I would feel accomplished. If those people on the Biggest Loser show can run and they're bigger than I am, I should be able to build up to that too.
Is there anyone out there who began running as a big person? Any tips to get started? Your plan?

I didn't make it back to blog yesterday, however I did work out. It was a beautiful sunny day here so I walked at the park. I didn't walk as long as I would have liked, but I had to pick up my son's girlfriend. I was actually very disappointed and embarrassed at just how out of shape I really am. I think it's easy to be in denial about our health sometimes. I guess that's where I am/was until yesterday. Although I wasn't walking on a level surface, I was really feeling it....just walking. It had rained here the previous couple days so the ground was really saturated. We walked on an unpaved trail that was soggy, wet & uneven, but that really wasn't an excuse for my level of exertion.
I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm 59. I weighed myself today. I'm the absolute biggest I've ever been; 272 at a mere 5'2". There is no excuse for the way I've let myself go. I'm a nurse; I'm supposed to be a role model for my patients. I'm so far from being a role model right now. By the time I hit 40, I want to be much closer to my goal. I'd like to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 pounds as my final goal weight. I can't actually pinpoint a target weight because as an adult, I've never been thin or even average. I can't even imagine what I'd look like that small.
At 19 years old, I think I weighed 180. But then I met the man I would marry two years later. We ate meals out all the time. We didn't eat anything healthy; it was pizza, Chi Chi's, and fast food. I packed on the pounds quickly; by the time we married, I was 210 lbs. After we divorced, I did manage to get down to 190 and a size 16. That didn't last though. Over the next 14 years, I've been up and down, but mostly up. My weight stabilized around 235 until 2006 when I went on an anti-depressant and gained the rest of this weight. Talking about depressing!!

I have chosen this point in time to start this journey because I believe I've hit rock bottom. I hate the way I feel. In the past, I wanted to do it because I hated the way I look. I still hate the way I look, but now I'm really starting to feel the burden that this weight is placing on my body. When I bend over to tie my shoes, I feel like I'm being smothered. I'm not sure if my fat gut is pushing my internal organs up into my diaphragm or what, but bending over leaves me breathless and not in a good way. Walking a short distance like from the parking lot into the hospital leaves me panting like a dog on a hot day. I'm too young to feel this crappy. I can't go on this way.
I was recently at my in-laws-to-be and was downstairs in my pajamas. Apparently when I raised my arm above my head, my father-in-law could see my big gut. In a not-too-kind voice he said, "Cover your stomach". Wow, I just grossed out my father-in-law. Granted, the man has little tact to begin with, but it really cut me like a knife. My future in-laws are both very thin and very body conscious. I'm uncomfortable around them in that regard. I always wonder what they're thinking about me. It's embarrassing to me because my father-in-law is in his upper 60's and still jogs/runs. I struggle to walk without getting out of breath. I'm ready to change all of that.

Although my blog is called Melanie's Monday, ironically I'm starting it on a Thursday. I don't want to wait for another Monday to come...and go and not start my diet again. I decided to create a blog to write about my weight issues & the journey of weight loss which I'm starting now. It seems tomorrow never comes for me; I make some excuse as to why I can't start my "diet" or get my butt off the couch. No more excuses!
My goal for this blog is to find other people who are on their weight loss/fitness journey and offer support for one another. I know that I need the support to be successful. I need people who understand my struggles, triumphs, disappoints, & goals. Hopefully along the way, I will be able to inspire others to reach their goals as well. Many years ago I promised myself that I would never pay someone else to make me lose this weight ever again. I have stood firm to my word on that point, but not the one about getting into action to lose all this weight.
I have the knowledge required to assemble a healthy eating plan for myself as well as plenty of gym equipment in my basement; all I have to do now is actually USE it. What a novel concept! Why have I waited this long to get back on track? If I had not let myself get this fat and out of shape, perhaps I could have literally kicked my own butt. That's currently out of the question so I'm counting on all of you to be my virtual butt-kickers for now.

Let the journey begin.

Tomorrow I will post a little background about myself and the dreaded starting weight. Ugh! I hate being the fat girl.
It's approaching the midnight hour so I will close for tonight & get some rest so I will be ready to work out in the morning.

Wish me luck & success as I do for you. Looking forward to hearing your comments.

Melanie