November 1, 2009

Halloween was just another day at my house. My son is too old for trick-or-treating so there was no costuming shopping this year. I worked Thursday night which was T-or-T night so I didn't even have to buy candy. Honestly it worked out well for the ol' diet that way.
Yesterday I stopped over at my parents' house and invited my mom to go walking with me. She was in the living room with all the suitcases and snorkeling equipment spread out all over the room. They're going to Aruba in 3 weeks. I'm so damned jealous. I LOVE Aruba and can't wait to go back. Brent & I went in 2006 and had a fabulous time. We scuba dived and it was the first time for both of us.

Anyway back to current reality...
We went to the middle school by my mom's house. There were a group of teen boys playing flag football, but I did my walk/run anyway. I guess I just don't care anymore. If my fat jiggles, it jiggles. It'll keep on jiggling until I run it all off. We only walked for 30 minutes. My mom's joints were hurting so I took her home. It was probably just her excuse to get back to packing for vacation.
What I noticed about my running yesterday is that I don't have the endurance that I should or expect that I will if I'm not hydrated. When I got home from work Friday morning, I stayed awake for an hour or so & then slept until 530pm. I got up and did some housework and laundry, but didn't drink much and ended up going back to bed around 2am. By Saturday morning, the scales said my water weight was down to 36%. I think that's the lowest it's been since I bought that scale.
I could definitely tell when I ran too. It was almost as if my muscles were all stuck together. I didn't complete a single interval yesterday. I felt like a failure. It's a great reminder to stay hydrated. It's amazing how dehydrated the body can be yet our mouths don't feel thirsty.
Time to get in a quick workout and then get ready to go visit Brent. I'm praying that I'm down to my last 3 visits in that dump. Court is on the 12th.

I'm finally off my plateau after a month. I'm down to 243.8. I thought it was never going to move. I toyed with 244, 245, 246 for all of October. I'm glad things are moving in the right direction again.
The C25K is going fairly well. Saturday morning I went to the school and walked/ran for 55 minutes. It has been rainy here for about a week. There were TONS of worms on the track. I'm sure there are worm guts stuck in the cracks of my shoes. I'm not sure how many worm lives I ended on Saturday, but I'm feeling pretty darn good.

October 20, 09

Yesterday morning I headed over to the high school to squeeze in my C25K run in the dark before the kids started arriving at school. It was 630 and v-e-r-y chilly outside. I only wore a thin hoodie over my t-shirt. I ran/walked almost the entire time with my hands pulled inside the sleeves.

I started out the walking segment completely freezing my butt off. The running interval came & I started to run. For some reason, it wasn't that hard today. I could have gone longer. How could my body do every running segment yesterday, yet on Friday I'm not even sure I completed a single segment. Friday was like running with the cinder blocks on my feet; yesterday I think I could have run an entire 5K. Totally weird. It it just my imagination or is running in the cold temperatures easier on the breathing than running in warmer weather?

I think it was all mental. While I was running, I was thinking about Jeannie & Chuck and Brent & me. I want to have a long relationship and be healthy so I just focused on that. The run seemed almost effortless. Yowzie!! I can't believe what seemed impossible on Friday was so different yesterday. Is this whole healthy lifestyle thing really mind over matter? The mind is a very powerful thing.

Tomorrow we shall see how it goes with week 4/day 3.

October 16, 2009

Today I got up early and went to the park in the dark & did my day 1 of week 4. I'm not going to lie; it was hard. I knew it would be. Just like my feeling of never having mastered week 1, but moved on to week 2, I felt the same way about week 3. I don't think I ever ran every second of each interval in week 3...ever. But here I am moving on anyway. I think it's the only way I'll be able to overcome my mental block of thinking that I can't do this. I think I only 100% completed one interval of running today.

It's hard, but I have to do this!

The scales have been stagnate for a couple of weeks. I need to get my fire back. I'm feeling blah and have been for a couple of weeks.

October 13, 2009

I'm back from my weekend in TN. We had a good time. For some reason though, I couldn't sleep the entire time I was there which made me miserable. I've never had that problem at my in-laws. The in-laws about had a heart attack because my FIL's 2 older sons from out west came in to surprise him. My FIL has been bitching to me about how these 2 sons treat him so badly and never come to see them, don't call to check on them, never email etc. They just showed up. Big WOW! I've been with Brent for 4 years & have never met or spoken to either of them.
So anyway, it was a nice turn out for the party. It was a combined birthday party & Oktoberfest...beer brats, hot German potato salad, German beers, sauerkraut balls. All the food was good. I stuck with water all weekend since I don't drink beer.

Almost every single time I've gone down there, I say that I'm going to work out, go for a walk or something. I NEVER do. EXCEPT, this time I did. I was awake waaaay too early on Saturday morning. I got dressed & headed outside to do my C25K run. I was proud of myself for actually doing it. Honestly, I figured that I would make some excuse up in my mind & just not do it. It was nice though. The air was cool & crisp so I barely got overly hot. Got to see some deer playing in a field; actually they scared the daylights out of me because I didn't see them until they started running.
But back to reality. I'm not sure where my head has been the past week. I think I've been mentally overwhelmed with everything that's going on in my life. I was too exhausted to exercise early last week. That day turned into the next and then the next. WTF??!!! Seriously, I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't logged my food either. I will say that the food thing is getting much easier though. I don't crave the junk food like I have in the past. Despite not exercising, I pretty much stayed on task with the food. I think it's almost become ingrained in me because I feel so much better by eating right. My guts used to just KILL; now I'm feeling good in that department. I haven't overeaten, but I have had a few things that I know I wouldn't have eaten if I was being strict with myself.

So that's my goal for the day. Get my head out of my ass & back on track. I need to get dressed & get to the track to do my run before the kids arrive at school & see a fat girl running. Eeks.
Have a good day everyone.

Oct 3, 2009

Thursday I did my BFL lower body weight lifting work out. I think I mentioned before that I have had delusional thoughts that under all this fat that my leg muscles are still strong. Yeah...not so much. In high school, I could squat 450 lbs on the stationary squat machine. Thursday I couldn't even complete 60 lunges with 10 lb weight in my hands. Like a complete bonehead I did the weights before my cardio...big mistake. The BFL program is only 20 minutes of interval cardio and I wanted to cry the last 5 minutes.
I can only recall being this sore one other time in my life. That time my brother killed me on the leg press machine at the gym. The day after that I had to scoot down the steps on my butt because my legs were too sore to support my weight to make the bending motion necessary to complete a step. It was very sad. I don't work out with my brother anymore.
I'm normally not sore on the day of working out, but Thursday I was and lucky me, I worked Thursday night. Oh what a joy to run up and down the hall to tend to the call lights that went off a bazillion times that night. I swear people in a hospitals NEVER sleep. Seriously, you really need a pack up Nutter Butter cookies at 3am?? Anyhoo, Friday was absolutely miserable in the leg pain department. I almost fell off the toilet at work when I tried to stand up to pull my pants up. That could have turned ugly in a second.
Today I'm feeling much better. I'm comfortably sore which is acceptable. Tonight is my C25K running night and upper body weights. It's already 9pm. I better get crack-a-lackin'.

Oh, and on the weight issue, my weight has gone up even more..5-6 pound gain since Thursday. I know this is physically impossible to be true because I haven't even eaten enough calories for this to be possible. It better be inflammation or water weight from lifting weights.
Has anyone experienced this issue when starting a weight lifting program? My quadriceps feel like rocks, but I KNOW I didn't gain muscle like that overnight. Input? Suggestions? Advice? Anybody? Anybody?

September 14, 2009

I had such hope for today. I've been praying extra hard for God to do MY will and bring my fiance home today. Apparently that wasn't HIS will for the day. Court did not go as planned. The judge is against sentencing him to the 18 month alcohol rehab program because they spent so much money to extradite him from TN. Really??? You're going to make the cost of extradition a condition to getting accepted to a treatment program??? I'm beyond pissed. If money is the real issue, just tack that fee onto his restitution bill. They're willing to house him in a prison for whatever number of years at however many thousands of dollars per year, but want to bitch about sending 2 deputies to TN for a 16 hour day. It's complete and utter bullshit. I've written a letter to the judge to express my displeasure with his current state of stupidity...in a polite way of course.

On a positive note, I'm still hanging onto my new weight-loss number. I mentioned before that I don't count a weight loss as real unless I see it on the scale 2 days in a row. Yep, it's been 3 days now. I'm loving that. Let's pray it hangs around until my GAG weigh-in tomorrow. I did come home from court and eat 3 servings of Ruffles cheddar and sour cream chips. Probably would have eaten more, but that's all my son left in the bag. Thanks Adam. You saved mom from a horrible binge.

Knowing my luck though, I'll have a weight gain tomorrow from water weight that has accumulated in my eyelids from crying the entire afternoon.

On another good note, last night I did Week 3 day2 of the C25K. I had started week 3 the middle of last week, but cut it short due to lightening. I am happy to say that I finished the entire segment. Actually it ended before I thought it would. Previous weeks have 6 running segments. Week 3 only has 5--2 for 90 seconds and 3 for 3 minutes. I am starting to feel good about my progress.

September 2, 2009

Last night I stayed up too late. By the time I tried to lay down & get some sleep, I could not get my mind to turn off. I tossed and turned for an hour. At 4am I decided to get up and clean the kitchen and straighten the livingroom. I closed my lil peeps at 615 and actually fell asleep, but had to get up at 650 to take my kid to school.

After dropping him off, I came home and made my list of things to do. I planned to go back to bed from 8-11am followed by a long list of errands. Yep, not much got done. I slept until 115, showered, & then it was off to pick him up from school already.

After dinner, I sooooo did not feel like working out, but since I joined the GAG challenge & I want to win something (besides a better figure), I forced myself to hit the track. I started my C25K podcast and off I went. I was feeling better once I started, but halfway through I just wasn't feeling it. I finished the 30 minutes, but only ran 3.5 of the intervals. I caught myself trying to talk myself out of NOT finishing my workout. WTF?!! My mind was telling me that my dinner was churning in my tummy and that I might have to run behind the bleachers to poop, I'm thirsty, I'm tired, I have chores to do at home. Blah, blah, blah.

Finally I just told myself to shut up and finish. Guess what? I listened to myself. Not only that, but I also decided to keep walking until I hit my calorie goal, my 10,000 steps goal, and my activity goal. I did all that. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I was going to jog & see just how far I could go.
I ran a 1/2 mile without stopping. HOLY CRAP!! I'm pretty sure I haven't run a 1/2 mile since high school. I'm really proud of myself. I actually think I could have gone a bit longer, but it was approaching 11pm and my son was with me; he has school in the morning so I stopped at 1/2 mile.

Tomorrow I will try week 3 of the C25K and more non-stop jogging. Run Forrest Run!!
I'm feelin' good tonight.

August 30, 2009

Today is my weigh-in day and I've officially surpassed the 20 pound mark...finally. My first Bodybugg mini-goal was to get to 240 by Sept 27th. I now have 11.4 pounds until I reach that goal. I'm confident that I can reach that by then especially now that I've broken my mental barrier of the C25K. My last 3 walk/runs have been fabulous. I can't believe I'm actually starting to LIKE running. What the H is going on with me? The old me would have never said that. I'm completely pumped.
September 27th is my dad's 60th birthday. My brother will be here from Seattle. He hasn't seen me for a year. I was close to my heaviest then. I'm excited to see him and my little nieces. Here's a picture of how fat I was then at the baby's Baptism. How in the world did I let myself get so out of control?





That was then & this is now. I'm changing for the better.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

August 28, 2009




I saw this cartoon and thought it was cute since I think that EVERY time I go to the doctor's office.


So this week, I did the C25K run Monday and Tuesday. I was successful both days and can't wait to run again tomorrow night. I hate working 3 nights in a row. I just can't get the exercise in on at least one of those days. These 3 days have been very trying for all of us at work with one particular patient (crazy woman). Why does it seem like all the crazy people who refuse to take their psych meds get C-sections so they're with us longer? Ugh!

I'm on my "womanly time" so my weight shows 3 pounds up. I'm not really holding much truth to that as my actual weight so I'm just hanging out til next week and see what happens when it's over. The scales does show an overall 3.5% fat loss. That's cool. More people at work at starting to really notice and I think I'm looking less lumpy under my clothes. I like that.

Wish I could stay and chat & read all the blogs today, but my poor ass needs to get ready for work...the last of my 3 in a row. This will go on for the next month because I was a bonehead and thought for sure I was getting that OR job. So I scheduled myself 3 days in a row at the end of every week on this entire schedule which doesn't end until the end of September. Didn't get the job so now I'm stuck working at least part of every weekend. Super move Mel. Just brilliant!!

August 25, 2009

It's 115am & I just got home from the high school track. I did it, I did it, I did it....finally. Last Monday I did W2D1 of C25K and I couldn't finish all the running intervals. The rest of last week I never made it back to the track, but did practice the intervals on my elliptical. I don't count those days as actually doing the C25K because I don't know how many strides-per-minute equal walking vs running etc.

Tonight I ran every single second of every running interval. OMG, I feel so accomplished. I am actually making progress & it shows. I'm loving it.

Monday I wore a pair of jeans that I realized I can remove without undoing the button or unzipping them. Does anyone want a free pair of jeans? They're from Lane Bryant. If you're familiar with their updated sizing with the number and color system, the jeans are size 5/blue/short. That's equivalent to a size 22 petite; I think they'd be an appropriate length for someone up to 5'4". They're a dark wash color. Send me a message if you want them.

Below is my Bodybugg calorie burn for the C25K walk/run I just completed. That's an insane calorie burn. Sixteen calories/per minute for some of those minutes. Holy crap!

August 17, 2009

I had my weigh-in yesterday. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. I'm happy about that. I always wish it were more, but I guess that is respectable. I don't know what people do to lose 5+ pounds a week. I worked out every day except Saturday. I busted ass all week & had good calorie deficits. Thursday I was up at 7am and didn't get a nap before work that night. By the time I got to bed Friday morning, I had been up over 25 hours, but then woke up after 5 hours sleep. Saturday morning it all caught up with me and I just couldn't get up early enough to work out before going in to work Saturday night.

I've already done my 45 minutes of workout today before I took my son school shopping, but I plan to go to the track and do another round of C25K tonight after dark.

Oh, I found a new pair of frames too. I like them so well that I'm getting regular glasses & sunglasses in the same frame. I can't wait to get my eye exam so I can get them.

August 12, 2009

Yesterday I spend the good majority of the day cleaning up & cleaning out my basement. What a job! My whole body is revolting against exercising today. I didn't get to bed last night until 1230 & woke up at 830. That means daylight which means I don't run in public. Today was W2D2 of the C25K. I really wanted to run on the track, but poor planning on my part left me to do it on the elliptical.
Once I hopped on it, it was all I could do to propel that darn thing forward. My legs are just pooped & I felt like I had cinder blocks tied to my ankles. The podcast I listen to for the C25K made mention of the parameters for doing it on the elliptical. I'll have to check that out as I'm sure I'm nowhere near where I should be.
I did the entire "walk/run" at an incline of 10, the walking segments at intensity level 6-9, and the running segments at 10-15. I was a total clock watcher today and hopped off the second I reached 30 minutes.
In addition to the C25K, today is also lower body weight lifting day for my Body for Life plan. I'm going to wait until tonight to do that. I'm just not ready for that yet at the moment.

I ate Quaker High fiber oatmeal and a piece of string cheese for breakfast, but I'm really feeling like I want to eat something else. What, I don't know. I just want to eat. Perhaps I should have gone to another OA meeting today.

I chickened out to write what I had planned to write about today. That whole topic makes me feel weak and shameful among other things. Maybe another day.

August 9, 2009

So I finally had my coaching session with the Bodybugg coach. She suggested getting a scale that also measures body fat. She made mention that they aren't the most accurate way to measure however it was a cheap way to gauge progress when the scale isn't moving much. Makes sense. So I found one on clearance at Bed, Bath,& Beyond. I was surprised that the weight was as close to the digital scale I have in the basement. The new one says I'm 1.8 pounds heavier. I can live with that.
Turns out that I'm only 50% fat free...no surprise there. I figured that being twice the size that I should be, all that excess weight must be fat. That was a Captain Obvious measurement, but at least it's a place to start.
I moved on to week 2 of the C25K program. I like the music selection a lot more than week 1. I tried it out on the treadmill. It didn't go so well. Monday morning I'm going to head to the track & try again.
The other thing I'm going to do is start the Body for Life training schedule. I've had some success in the past following that plan. I need some structure for my weight lifting workouts & I think that will help.

June 17, 2009

I think the C25K is finally starting to kick it into gear for me. I’ve been losing & gaining the same 3-4 lbs since starting at the end of April. Today I’m down 6 lbs. I’m excited to finally be seeing some results. I needed that today because I’m not at the point where I’m loving the running thing yet, but I want to get there & not seeing any progress wasn’t a motivator to continue. Now I’m compelled to keep going.
Yesterday I got a call from my mom. I don’t even recall what her main reason for calling was, but it ended up being an expensive call for her. Before the call was over, we were both online checking out the Bodybugg & she offered to buy me one. Hellz yeah!!! I won’t turn down that offer. She’s so not computer savvy and for once it actually paid off. Instead of going to the Bodybugg site, she ended up on 24hour fitness’s site. Turns out that they’re having a special on the Bodybugg; instead of being $298 for the whole deal as on the BB site, they are offering it for $239. The sale ends at the end of June if anyone is considering getting one & wants a better deal.
I’m so anxious to get started with it. In the past, I’ve used calorie-count.com to track my food intake. I like that this is going to be all-in-one. I’ve decided that I’m going to do a modified carb-restricted food plan. About 5 years (and 35 pounds) ago, I worked out with a woman who had me on a plan of 80g carbs/day. It really seemed to work for me. At first I struggle with breakfast because I hate eggs and ended up eating chicken or salad for breakfast which wasn’t working so well for me. I ended up losing 20 pounds and 30.5 inches in only 6 weeks. This time I think I will do a range from 80-100 and modify as needed from that starting point. I want to find something that will feel doable for the long haul (for life) and not feel like a diet that I just have to suffer through for some end result.
Tonight I’ve got a meeting from 8-9 & then I’m heading to the high school to do another day of the C25K on the track. I actually made a little progress on that as well. On Monday I used my mom’s treadmill to do my walk/run. I walked at 3mph and ran at 4.5mph. The previous time I used the treadmill I walked at 3, but ran at 4.3mph. It’s a small increase, but an increase nevertheless. I’ll take it. To a fit person, 4.5 is probably still doing my Charlie Brown shuffle, but we all have to start somewhere.

June 14, 2009

Yesterday I missed my OA meeting. I worked Friday night and our unit was full so we were really busy. A few of the babies cried all night long and that just grates on the nerves after a while. When I got home, I went straight to bed with the intention of getting up 2 hours later to go to the meeting. But when 10am came and that alarm went off, I just couldn’t do it. I reset the alarm and went back to sleep until 3pm. I got ready for work and then went over to my parents’ house to work out before I headed in for another 12-hour shift. I did day 2 of the C25K. I did much better this time…even on the treadmill. I found a better running speed than the first time I tried it on the treadmill. I was so glad that the 2 days of rest eased my shin pain. This time I concentrated on actually picking my feet up during the running intervals. When I did day 1 on the track, I felt like I was shuffle-running like Charlie Brown. I know I couldn’t have possibly improved THAT much after just one walk/run, but I felt I did. By the end of the session, I felt really pumped and excited for the next workout. I know they recommend a day of rest between workouts, but I want to run again today.

The thing I’m struggling with most is my food. It’s not that I even eat all that badly, but I could do LOTS better. I really want to go back to my 80g of carbs/day like I used to do. That really seemed to work for me. I was able to lose weight and that carb level seems to take away my cravings. Why is it that I know this about my eating issues, but I’m still too darn lazy to implement it right now? I need to get my thinking right. Although I’m willing to do the exercise, the food planning, shopping, preparing, weighing, & the recording seem to be my downfall. I feel like by having to do all this food stuff makes me obsessed with food. I’m constantly thinking about food and that’s not the way I want it to be.
I’m hoping the food issue will be another benefit of going to OA. I want to learn how to address the concept that food is a fact of life without having to obsess about it. I would love to eventually be at a comfort level where healthy food choices just come naturally without wishing I was eating fatty foods and foods that aren’t nutrient dense. I’ve got lots of work to do before I get to that level.
Last night at work, I was talking to a few other girls who are also struggling with their weight. I told them about working Step 1 of the OA Step workbook and how emotional it had been. As I started talking about it, I started to well up with tears again. Before starting on my journey this time, I never realized just how much my weight affected me. I’ve been stuffing my feelings, but I have no idea why or how I even got into the habit of overeating.
I know that my low self-esteem was learned from my mom. She’s always been obsessed with her weight. She was constantly dieting and trying every weight loss gimmick on the market. She had success on phen/fen, but has since gained it all back & probably a bit more.

When I was 10 she began giving me Dexatrim diet pills. I don’t know if I told her that I wanted to lose weight or if she just thought I should lose weight. I wasn’t fat then, but I was chunky. Then in high school I was about the same size as my mom. We shared some clothes and would go shopping together. When I got to college and gained weight, we stopped shopping together. The last time I recall clothes shopping with my mom was somewhere around 1998. I lost enough weight to get into a size 16 which meant I could shop at a regular store instead of a fat chick store. Now that I’m bigger again….no shopping. We don’t hang out much anymore. I am dreading getting to the step where I have to admit all my character flaws and defects. Am I withdrawing from being social with her or are my feelings of not being good enough justified? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. For many years now, I’ve felt like I’ve been an embarrassment to her because of my weight. In the back of my mind, I’ve often wondered how she would react if I got to my goal weight. I think subconsciously I’ve been afraid to lose weight and find out if she’ll want to hang out and shop again. That would hurt.
I’ve already dealt with that rejection in the dating world. I always wanted to find a guy who could just like/love me for who I am at this very moment. Don’t dislike me because I’m not skinny or don’t like me because you’re a chubby chaser and I’m the kind of fat girl you like. Just like me for me. I finally found that with Brent. Fat girls aren’t his preference, but he likes the kind of person I am and I just happen to come in a large package (for now). He loves me now and he’ll still love me smaller or bigger than I am right now. That does give me a sense of peace & security. Plus he’s more than willing to assist & support me any way he can to help me reach my goals. I can’t freaking wait until he moves back to Ohio. I need his support on a daily basis. His cooking is fabulous; mine is good, but I don’t enjoy cooking like he does. He’s my rock.

I’ve rambled long enough. I’m off to do W1D3.

June 10, 2009


Last night I stopped over at my parent's house. After visiting with them, I decided to try day 1 of the C25K using their treadmill and a podcast I found for the program. I'm disappointed to say that I didn't complete the whole workout so I'm going to try it again today. I did a little over half. I'm not sure if I will do better outside when I can walk and run at my own pace instead of how fast the treadmill is set for me to run, but seriously...kudos to those completing this C25K challenge.
I'm not giving up though. I think it just might take me a bit longer to build up. I might do week 1 for 2 weeks. I believe there is a big difference between working out on a machine and actually having your body propel itself. I'm going to try it again on the track at the high school and see if I do any better.