August 11, 2009


I find it truly amazing how God puts before us the exact things we need to see, do, or hear at the moment we need that information. Yesterday I went to an OA meeting & realized that one of the members is a teacher I had in college…20 years ago and she recognized me. Yikes. I’d seen her at the meetings for about 5 weeks and just didn’t make the connection. She taught speech & I freaking hated every second of that class. At the beginning of each class, she made all the students stand up and repeat “I like it, I like it, I can do it”. I did it because I needed the grade, but I NEVER liked it. Public speaking invokes such fear in me that it makes me want to cry to do it.
I have no idea why this is the case. I talk a lot. My friends, family, & coworkers think I’m really funny & entertaining with the crap that flies out of my mouth, but to talk in a controlled setting, standing up in front of people….no way. Today as I was reading some blogs I realize something profound about myself. I have lived much of my life in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of never being happy, fear of not being a good parent or raising him in such a way that he, too, feels like shit about himself, fear of not being pretty enough or thin enough, smart enough, fear of not being PERFECT.

None of us are perfect and I would never expect my loved ones to be perfect so I don’t know why I expect it from myself, but I often do. I’ve declined or resisted invitations to go out into the world and try new things for fear of failure. What if I fall on my ass while learning to snow ski? Before even getting to the slopes I worried about not fitting into the snow pants my brother arranged for us to borrow. I have allowed my weight to keep me a prisoner from my own life. My insecurities run deep.

I’ll interject this funny, but weight related, story to break up the seriousness that this post turned into. In 2006 my fiancé & I went to Aruba. We decided to try scuba diving. Neither of us had tried it. We get all our gear and embarrassingly enough, I had to have some huge ass life jacket and an extremely heavy weight belt that is used to balance your weight when you’re underwater. Fat floats people. Big boobs=built-in floatation devices. I need a REALLY heavy belt; after all, I am 50% fat. We were sitting at the front of the boat so we were the last to get in the water. Brent went before I did. I was the very last to go. As I’m holding the line, I stick my head under the water and see how far down everyone is. HOLY SHIT. What if I run out of air? What if my mask falls off, what if I lose my respirator? I start to panic….seriously. I told the instructor that I couldn’t do it & started to swim back to the boat. He told me no. I finally get to the bottom of the ocean; we were only 30 feet under. My heart is pounding. I look over and see Brent sitting on the ocean floor patiently waiting. He pointed to his oxygen gauge like he wasted all his air waiting on me..ha ha. The next step was to find that proper buoyancy level where you can stay under water. It’s a fine balancing act with how you breathe too. I didn’t realize that at first. The instructor is telling me to do this and that to see if I’m at the right buoyancy. Nope. He starts picking up rocks & shoving them in my life jacket. Another test….still not right. We do this for several rounds. Finally he looks at this humongous rock….like a boulder, but then finds some other rock. When we got back to shore Brent made mention of the guy looking at the boulder. He said he thought the guy was going to make me swim with that huge boulder the entire time. Jerk, shut up skinny-ass white boy! So that’s my scuba diving story. It was fearful but fun.

Back to my seriousness….

I noticed in every OA meeting I’ve been to that at least one person, if not several, have mentioned perfection. They can’t move on to the next step because they fear they haven’t done the current step “perfectly”. They've mentioned multiple things where they expect perfection. Do all fat people expect perfection from our/themselves and because we know that perfection isn’t realistic, we just throw our hands up and say “Screw it, I’m not doing any of it if I can’t do it right”? I know that I’ve had that thought many times…too many times to count.
Sean A made mention of this type of negative thinking in his blog recently, but I find it ironic that I read it today & not on the day he posted it. Negative self-talk definitely lives in my head & manifests itself in my life. I REALLY want to change that. I’m finding it difficult because situations happen that reinforce that message in my mind. Back in March I applied for a job at a local hospital for a position doing exactly what I did at my previous nursing job. I had 3 interviews that lasted a total of 6 hours. Honestly people, I thought I had the job in the bag. I miss working in surgery & was so excited about the prospect of getting back to doing those trauma cases & all the blood & guts. It’s just interesting & exciting and you get to see things you never imagine that you’ll ever see. People can really get themselves into some precarious situations (gee doc, I’m not sure how that beer bottle ended up in my rectum). Anywhoo, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I honestly believe it was because I’m fat. The manager who interviewed me made mention, not once, but twice, in the interview about the physical demands of the job. Really lady????!!!! I came from a level I trauma center & did that job WELL for over 7 years; I think I know the freaking demands of the job. So anyway, I’ll be adding that situation to my list of resentments when I get to that step in OA. That step will probably take me a year because I’ll be so swamped with listing all the resentments I have for myself.
My goal is to feel like I’m worth it…whatever “IT” is. I want others to see my worth regardless of what the scales might say. I want to be proud of myself; I just want to be happy.
My intention today was to write about something else, but look what came out. I will start writing my other topic tonight and post it for tomorrow.


Hope everyone has a great day.

August 1, 2009

Having my computer gone for over a week really threw a monkey wrench into my rhythm. Not that I blogged every day, but I felt like I had some schedule of sorts. I need to get back into a groove and start writing again.
Besides my pizza situation, I've actually managed to do fairly well. I must admit that the pizza cost me 2 pounds which I have since taken off again. Damn pizza. I've had some small victories this week.
These are the things I'm starting to notice about myself as of late:
1. At my heaviest, when I would sit down, I would feel like my fat gut pushed up into my boobs and then my boobs would feel as if they were up under my chin. I almost felt strangled by my own fat. I still have fat, but I don't feel like my chin is resting on my boobs when I'm sitting down anymore. Boobs are great, but I really don't want to be using them as a necklace.

2. One day this week I got up very early and went to the school to slog. I was able to run half way around the track. Dare I say I'm making some progress?!

3. I can tell that my clothes are fitting better.

4. I'm currently wearing a pair of panties that I stopped wearing many months ago because every time I wore them, they ended up rolling under my fat roll and practically falling off. Very annoying. Now that my roll isn't so big, they stay in place. Small successes. Love it.

5. Several years ago my mom bought me 2 scales for Christmas. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it was her way of saying "Hey fatass, you keep eating like you are and you'll need both of these to be able to even weigh yourself"...hell, I don't know. But anyway, one was digital and one is the old school kind with the circular disc that spins around. That scale only went up to 260. When I started this journey, I couldn't even weight myself because I was over 270. Now I can!! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see 250-something on the scales. Guess it's all relative to where you started.

6. Thursday I went to visit my guy and he said he can definitely tell that I'm losing. He said my face looks thinner & my skin looks clearer & glowing now that I'm eating better.

7. One day this week I did the elliptical for 65 minutes straight. I planned to do it for 60 minutes, but the calorie counter was close to saying 800 calories burned that I did it until it read 800. I was feeling awesome because that's the longest I've ever done it, but my bubble was quickly burst when I downloaded the Bodybugg only to learn that it was only 600 & something calories and not 800. Oh well! It's 600+ more than what I would have burned sitting on my ass.

8. I've noticed that my bras aren't so tight...less bra overhang. Love that.

9. The arm strap on my Bodybugg isn't so tight-looking. I can tell that my biceps are improving. Triceps seem to take a long time to build. Don't have any guns yet, but perhaps little pistols-in-the-making. I've always been an upper body weakling so this will take time. Lower body was where my strength was so that's the exercises I used to focus on instead of what I NEEDED to work on. When I was in high school, I could squat 450 pounds on the stationary squat machine & I could bench press more than the boy in my weight lifting group. Poor thing.

10. I went to 2 OA meetings last week. I'm going to one today. This might be my last time going to this particular meeting. I'm not sure if it's the format of this meeting that I don't care for or what. There is one girl there who just rubs me the wrong way with the "I'm better than everybody-attitude". I get enough bullshit from some of the crap we endure with our patients at work that when I'm doing something for myself, I just want to find some peace & inspiration without leaving there feeling passive-aggressive.

On the non-weight related issues, after interviewing for 3 jobs, I finally made a decision on what I wanted to do. In my mind, I had nearly decided even before interviewing that I wasn't going to take this one particular job just because it was double the drive time and I didn't think they would be able to financially compensate me compared to what I'm used to making in the city. However the unit director seemed impressed enough to call me back for a 2nd interview which I went to on Wednesday. This one was with 3 other nurses and one scrub tech who got to ask me an entire page of questions. In my head, I was trying to figure out how I could work part time there and keep my full-time job where I currently work. Right now I work 12 hour nights and this is a day shift position.
I was so torn. I had also interviewed in the operating room at the hospital were I work now. Thought that would be handy for scheduling to work at the same place. That isn't going to fly though because they don't allow you to work 2 jobs at the same place. More specifically they won't let you work more than 80 hrs/pay. That defeats the whole purpose of working a PT job. I left HR kinda pissed about the entire thing.
I thought I should give up on finding a part time job and focus on trying to start up my jewelry business & sell my stuff online.
When I got home, I started to do some more research about this little hospital in the country and found out that their retirement plan is with the freakin' state. Ok, so that is totally what I've been after this entire time. I worked 7+ years at Ohio State which is state retirement. I wanted to at least get to the 10 year mark with my retirement because there are extra perks that come with that. My whole mindset shifted in that moment.
My gut feeling is that my current job will eventually be phased out due to some medicaid insurance changes that have happened around here. So I decided in my mind that I would take this job in the boonies even though it's over a 40 minute drive & the money won't be as good. While I'm thinking about all this, one of my co-workers called and told me that she just got a call to provide a reference for me. Cool beans. I'm thinking that since they are calling references right after my 2nd interview, they must be considering offering me the job.
I emailed the manager the next morning & asking her a few other questions and indicating that I would take the job full-time. Haven't heard jack shit from her since. Why o why can't things just go smoothly?!!! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something Monday.
I really want to focus on getting rid of excess...excess weight and excess debt. I want to pay off my debt and have some financial peace of mind...and a savings account.

That's my world in a nutshell as of late.

On a very sad note, please everybody pray for Jen (PriorFatGirl) and her family. Her mom was killed yesterday.

July 13, 09

There's my work for the day. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical. Once again, I had no intention of staying up all night, but I did. I took my son to & from school and then had my interview at 2pm. Another good interview. I'm going to go back in the next 2 weeks for a second interview/observation day to see how I like it. It's totally small compared to the other hospital I came from. Ohio State has 26 ORs and this place only has 3 & 1 procedure room. As a small hospital, they can't pay even as well as the hospital I'm at now so I definitely can't do it as my main job, but I'd consider it as a PT job to get my bills paid off. The compute is also double what I drive now so that's another factor...40+ minutes in the winter; I don't know. Anyhooo, I am supposed to talk to the OR manager at my current hospital at the end of the week. Lots of options on the table now. I might just try to throw Ohio State back in the mix just for the hell of it. Those state benefits sure were nice.



I posted a picture I took tonight after working out. I was really sad to see just how fat I had become. Five years ago I started training with the mother of one of my son's friends. She's in her 40s and is built like a brick shit house as they say--tanned, toned, & muscular. I bought that belt then. I think I weighed about 225 then. As you can see, it's about 4-6 inches short of going around my big ol gut. I'm going to use that as one measure of progress. The other day I took some pictures of myself in clothes that just aren't so cute on me anymore. I'm going to post those soon too.

Have a great night everybody. I'm taking an Advil PM and closing my little peepers now.

Today turned out to be a great day!! My interview was awesome. The lady was super nice. She said I should hear something fairly soon although I won't hold my breath as it's a state job. I'm expecting a snail's pace on that.
On the way home from the interview, I stopped at Kohl's to find a pair of shoes that my son wanted. Yeah, they had his size. DSW didn't; they had about 6 pairs of size 8. What man wears a size 8 shoes? Apparently not many or there wouldn't have been so many.

About 5 minutes after I got home, the UPS man showed up with my new Bodybugg. WooHooo. It came a day before projected. I hope it's done charging before I leave for my happy hour.

Then I was home about an hour and I got a phone call to interview at a hospital that is 40 minutes away. That will be a bitch of a drive especially in the winter, but I'll see what they have to say and what kind of money they'll willing to dish out.
I still have the interview at the end of next week. Now I should call Ohio State, see if I can interview Wednesday, and if I can get my old job back just to round out the interviewing/job choices.

God is GOOD.

I wore a pair of dress casual Dockers to the interview and actually wore a belt with them. That's a first I've worn a belt in quite a while. The pants fit better now than when I bought them. I was feeling good about that so I decided to try on my size 20 jeans. I can get them on now AND zipped, but they aren't fit for public viewing yet. It was camel toe city and they make my butt look flat. Ten or 15 more pounds and they might be ok.

July 8, 2009


Not much to report as of late. I'm holding steady with the 9lbs lost even despite the arrival of my "girl time" this week. I managed to get my butt to bed at a halfway decent hour last night. I went to bed at 1, but it was 230 last time I looked at the clock. I was tired. I'm not sure why it took me so long to fall asleep. I hate that!

Today I got my son off to summer school & then headed over to my parents' to use their treadmill. I've just been using my elliptical as of late. Thought I would mix it up a bit. I did a few intervals of running at 5mph which is up from my 4.3 shuffle. I tried 6mph but that just kicked my ass & only lasted about 5 seconds....literally. I'm not there yet.

Now I'm home and have a gazillion things to get done. I've got an interview at 2pm for an employee health nurse position with the state. It's just a contingent position, but I'll take whatever bit of extra money I can get. Hate, hate, hate being broke. Next week I've got another interview for a part time position in the operating room at the same hospital where I currently work. I need to find out if the hospital will let me work two separate positions there. I miss working in the OR.
I currently work with high risk OB patients, and postpartum moms and their new babies. It was fun at first, but not challenging at all. And seriously if I have to check out one more edematous perineum or help get one more baby onto the boob I might just scream. Calgon...take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

My replacement bodybugg should be here tomorrow. As I suspected, it will be a full 2 weeks lost from using it. I've done quite well sticking to my plan though. Last week Friday-Sunday I didn't work out though. I just find it very difficult to muster the energy to work out even 20 minutes when working 3 12 hour night shifts in a row. I have yet to figure out why working 12hr nights is different than working 12hr days. I never came home and went straight to bed when I was on days. Nowadays if I can keep my eyes open on the drive home, I'm doing great.

Tonight it's salmon for dinner. Yum yum! Then I'm off to a little happy hour/going away party for a co-worker. I'm limiting myself to 1 drink & staying for only 2 hours. I might succumb to peer pressure if I stay longer than that or have more drinks.