I weighed myself early this morning. I'm down one pound. I guess I should be a tiny bit happy about that since it's not a +1. I have to admit that I was hoping for more though. Aren't we all?! Those "experts" who are trying to soothe our misery say that it takes time; "you didn't get fat overnight", they say. I swear I DID. One day 130, the next 180, and pretty soon I was over 200. Eeks. I suppose I should cut myself a little slack; I am my own worst critic and too hard on myself. I don't judge other fat people harshly like I do myself. I need to work on being a good friend to myself.
I struggle with acceptance. It's hard for me to admit that I do, in fact, look as fat as I do. I used to tell myself that I was still strong underneath the fat. I don't even pretend to think that now. I do think that my body can endure more than my heart & lungs right now. That's where I notice my weakness the most. I feel like I'm always breathing more heavily than I used to doing similar tasks. I think that's when I get most pissed off with myself; I've let myself down.
I don't want to accept myself as the fat girl & have that be alright. I acknowledge that I am fat, but it's not okay. I'm definitely not living my best life at this size. This is a prime example. Sunday I had RSVP'ed to go to a former co-worker's bridal shower. I bought the gift and had every intention of going, but after talking to another nurse at work who was also invited, I decided not to go. I told her that I was nervous about going because I didn't want to be the fattest girl there. She told me that she wasn't going for that very reason. I totally let my size stand in the way of doing fun things. The bride is only 23 and super, I mean, super skinny (turn to the side and disappear skinny) and I've seen pictures of her friends on FaceBook. They're all thin and cute. I didn't feel like I'd fit in as the fat, nearly 40 year old. So...I opted not to go.

The nanny, that my brother's family had, went to go to Overeater's Anonymous meetings. I have it on my list of things to do, but haven't mustered the courage to go yet. ( I think because so many of them are held at food eateries--seriously....is it me or is that just kinda jacked up? They don't hold AA meetings in a bar.) She's been successful in her weight loss goals by going there. Perhaps I will try it Thursday evening. I currently go to Al-anon because my fiancee' is an alcoholic; I had found a tremendous amount of support and healing by going to the meetings. I'm hoping and praying that OA will be just as useful. I'll keep you posted on that one.
Now I must go work out. One pound is not enough!