Day 2; I'm on my way

I didn't make it back to blog yesterday, however I did work out. It was a beautiful sunny day here so I walked at the park. I didn't walk as long as I would have liked, but I had to pick up my son's girlfriend. I was actually very disappointed and embarrassed at just how out of shape I really am. I think it's easy to be in denial about our health sometimes. I guess that's where I am/was until yesterday. Although I wasn't walking on a level surface, I was really feeling it....just walking. It had rained here the previous couple days so the ground was really saturated. We walked on an unpaved trail that was soggy, wet & uneven, but that really wasn't an excuse for my level of exertion.
I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm 59. I weighed myself today. I'm the absolute biggest I've ever been; 272 at a mere 5'2". There is no excuse for the way I've let myself go. I'm a nurse; I'm supposed to be a role model for my patients. I'm so far from being a role model right now. By the time I hit 40, I want to be much closer to my goal. I'd like to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 pounds as my final goal weight. I can't actually pinpoint a target weight because as an adult, I've never been thin or even average. I can't even imagine what I'd look like that small.
At 19 years old, I think I weighed 180. But then I met the man I would marry two years later. We ate meals out all the time. We didn't eat anything healthy; it was pizza, Chi Chi's, and fast food. I packed on the pounds quickly; by the time we married, I was 210 lbs. After we divorced, I did manage to get down to 190 and a size 16. That didn't last though. Over the next 14 years, I've been up and down, but mostly up. My weight stabilized around 235 until 2006 when I went on an anti-depressant and gained the rest of this weight. Talking about depressing!!

I have chosen this point in time to start this journey because I believe I've hit rock bottom. I hate the way I feel. In the past, I wanted to do it because I hated the way I look. I still hate the way I look, but now I'm really starting to feel the burden that this weight is placing on my body. When I bend over to tie my shoes, I feel like I'm being smothered. I'm not sure if my fat gut is pushing my internal organs up into my diaphragm or what, but bending over leaves me breathless and not in a good way. Walking a short distance like from the parking lot into the hospital leaves me panting like a dog on a hot day. I'm too young to feel this crappy. I can't go on this way.
I was recently at my in-laws-to-be and was downstairs in my pajamas. Apparently when I raised my arm above my head, my father-in-law could see my big gut. In a not-too-kind voice he said, "Cover your stomach". Wow, I just grossed out my father-in-law. Granted, the man has little tact to begin with, but it really cut me like a knife. My future in-laws are both very thin and very body conscious. I'm uncomfortable around them in that regard. I always wonder what they're thinking about me. It's embarrassing to me because my father-in-law is in his upper 60's and still jogs/runs. I struggle to walk without getting out of breath. I'm ready to change all of that.
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