Emotional Journey

June 14, 2009

Yesterday I missed my OA meeting. I worked Friday night and our unit was full so we were really busy. A few of the babies cried all night long and that just grates on the nerves after a while. When I got home, I went straight to bed with the intention of getting up 2 hours later to go to the meeting. But when 10am came and that alarm went off, I just couldn’t do it. I reset the alarm and went back to sleep until 3pm. I got ready for work and then went over to my parents’ house to work out before I headed in for another 12-hour shift. I did day 2 of the C25K. I did much better this time…even on the treadmill. I found a better running speed than the first time I tried it on the treadmill. I was so glad that the 2 days of rest eased my shin pain. This time I concentrated on actually picking my feet up during the running intervals. When I did day 1 on the track, I felt like I was shuffle-running like Charlie Brown. I know I couldn’t have possibly improved THAT much after just one walk/run, but I felt I did. By the end of the session, I felt really pumped and excited for the next workout. I know they recommend a day of rest between workouts, but I want to run again today.

The thing I’m struggling with most is my food. It’s not that I even eat all that badly, but I could do LOTS better. I really want to go back to my 80g of carbs/day like I used to do. That really seemed to work for me. I was able to lose weight and that carb level seems to take away my cravings. Why is it that I know this about my eating issues, but I’m still too darn lazy to implement it right now? I need to get my thinking right. Although I’m willing to do the exercise, the food planning, shopping, preparing, weighing, & the recording seem to be my downfall. I feel like by having to do all this food stuff makes me obsessed with food. I’m constantly thinking about food and that’s not the way I want it to be.
I’m hoping the food issue will be another benefit of going to OA. I want to learn how to address the concept that food is a fact of life without having to obsess about it. I would love to eventually be at a comfort level where healthy food choices just come naturally without wishing I was eating fatty foods and foods that aren’t nutrient dense. I’ve got lots of work to do before I get to that level.
Last night at work, I was talking to a few other girls who are also struggling with their weight. I told them about working Step 1 of the OA Step workbook and how emotional it had been. As I started talking about it, I started to well up with tears again. Before starting on my journey this time, I never realized just how much my weight affected me. I’ve been stuffing my feelings, but I have no idea why or how I even got into the habit of overeating.
I know that my low self-esteem was learned from my mom. She’s always been obsessed with her weight. She was constantly dieting and trying every weight loss gimmick on the market. She had success on phen/fen, but has since gained it all back & probably a bit more.

When I was 10 she began giving me Dexatrim diet pills. I don’t know if I told her that I wanted to lose weight or if she just thought I should lose weight. I wasn’t fat then, but I was chunky. Then in high school I was about the same size as my mom. We shared some clothes and would go shopping together. When I got to college and gained weight, we stopped shopping together. The last time I recall clothes shopping with my mom was somewhere around 1998. I lost enough weight to get into a size 16 which meant I could shop at a regular store instead of a fat chick store. Now that I’m bigger again….no shopping. We don’t hang out much anymore. I am dreading getting to the step where I have to admit all my character flaws and defects. Am I withdrawing from being social with her or are my feelings of not being good enough justified? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. For many years now, I’ve felt like I’ve been an embarrassment to her because of my weight. In the back of my mind, I’ve often wondered how she would react if I got to my goal weight. I think subconsciously I’ve been afraid to lose weight and find out if she’ll want to hang out and shop again. That would hurt.
I’ve already dealt with that rejection in the dating world. I always wanted to find a guy who could just like/love me for who I am at this very moment. Don’t dislike me because I’m not skinny or don’t like me because you’re a chubby chaser and I’m the kind of fat girl you like. Just like me for me. I finally found that with Brent. Fat girls aren’t his preference, but he likes the kind of person I am and I just happen to come in a large package (for now). He loves me now and he’ll still love me smaller or bigger than I am right now. That does give me a sense of peace & security. Plus he’s more than willing to assist & support me any way he can to help me reach my goals. I can’t freaking wait until he moves back to Ohio. I need his support on a daily basis. His cooking is fabulous; mine is good, but I don’t enjoy cooking like he does. He’s my rock.

I’ve rambled long enough. I’m off to do W1D3.
1 Response
  1. I am glad you found my blog, because I really like what you have to say!!

    I was thinking over this for a while. I think that getting a full "night" (day, or morning for you) is just as important as going to OA. More in fact. Sleep is a MUST to keep everything in balance, if your sleep is messed up- usually your food is too. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it, and I know it is important for you to get to meetings. Maybe there is a place you can meet in the middle, so you can honor your sleep needs AND get the support you need.

    I look forward to stopping by and reading!

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